The First Relationship Advice Podcast

Marion from WI left a vm.  Marion was told by a trusted friend that another friend’s kid is involved in high risk behaviors.  What should she do?  If you want to listen to my podcast, click to the left of this screen and play.

Dear Marion:

1) Ask yourself what is your goal?  Once you define your goal, it shapes your course of action.

2) If your goal is to intervene on the kid’s behalf - you will probably disclose to the parent.

3) Before you tell the parents you should ask parent, “If I know something about one of your kids/family members that’s potentially dangerous to them, would you want to know?” Most parents say “yes.” 

4) Pick a time that the parent will have time to process information, e.g., they’re not on the way to work, or other commitment.

5) Remind the parent that you trust your source - and your goal is to intervene so the kid stops whatever high risk behavior/s they are doing.

6) You have to realize not all parents will be receptive to your information.  Your disclosure may cost you the friendship - is that OK?

7) After you disclose to the parent ask how you can help, for example, if it’s substance abuse you can easily get a 10-panel UDS (urine drug screen) that tests for 10 major drug categories.  Your family physician may have them, or you can order on-line.  They’re inexpensive, easy to use and accurate.

Lastly, sometimes doing the right thing is difficult.  I applaud you, Marion, for caring enough to think this through thoroughly.  Good Luck! 

My God  - the ecstasy and agony of love.  Have you ever been addicted to a lover?  How do you know?  Have you ever felt your knees shake, your heart race, tongue-tied, or faint at the sight of them?  Have you broken up and gotten back together - over and over again?  If you can answer “yes” to any of those… you’re an addict.  A former client of mine struggled ending a toxic 10-year marriage.  She and her husband had seperated numerous times and always ended up back in bed together, reuniting and then the cycle began again.   She eventually filed for divorce, and followed through, although the invisible pull towards him was powerful.  I could identify with her torn feelings and broken spirit.

I was addicted to someone once…  I’ll call him “John” - it was the only time in my life when I experienced ”love at first sight” - it was mutual.  We were together for several years.  Our affair was intensely passionate, terribly toxic and dysfunctional, and we were both miserable when we were apart.  Continue reading →

Listener email:

Dear Zanny - I have listened since almost day one to the Divas and was so glad to hear you are doing this show… I value your advice!

My background is a Bachelor of Science in Family Relations and Child Development. I worked counseling parents of disabled or delayed children birth to three and coordinating special services for their children for almost 10 years. My ‘specialty’ was micro premature babies…

I have been with my husband since 10/2000 and we were married 5/02. He was a confirmed bachelor when we met – he is 10 years my senior (I am 33) and I had to threaten him I would break off our relationship if we did not get married – and he ‘caved in’ and we married the following May. I was hearing my ‘clock ticking’ since I wanted two children and I knew with his age he would want children sooner than later or we’d miss that window. I know now I should have left him and found another – but I did not. I was burned in my first marriage by a cheating man and divorced him prior to graduating college. I dated a high school sweetheart almost a year and he did pretty much the same thing. I found my husband through a dating service (this is before Match.com and such!) and liked him since he was OPPOSITE my other ‘men’ I had dated/married. He was a civil engineer, quiet, did not like to socialize. I know I did this out of fear of a cheating man. But I did it any way. Continue reading →

I watched him get out of a new pick-up truck.  He wore a black Harley-Davidson t-shirt and blue jeans with scuffed brown leather boots with rounded toes.  His slicked-backed silver hair matched the several ounces of sterling jewelry that adorned his beefy frame.  His face, from what I could see of it, under the gray sunglasses, looked younger than his hair suggested.  He walked towards me, unsmiling.  I was fighting to lift a filled cooler of ice and beer into the back of my Jeep Wrangler.  I purchased cold drinks for my brother and his fiance who were in the middle of do-it-yourself-move into their new home.  The thermometer read 90 and the humidity made my curly hair exponentially expand.  It was a typical Georgia summer day.  Warm sweat trickled down my spine.  Maybe my all white athletic shorts and fitted t-shirt wasn’t the best choice - I felt like a wilted flower.  He walked closer.  

Continue reading →

Listener wrote: 

Dear Zanny,
My husband attended a party the other night with some friends that are much younger than he is. - I have never met these people.. They next morning I had to use his cell phone because our home phone’s battery died, and found a picture of 2 girls making out.. I was furious.. He did not understand why i was so upset.. Did i overreact? was this really no big deal????

Thanks!

Dear Furious:

You’re entitled to feel however you do.  You don’t need my permission, or anyone else’s to validate your feelings.  The assumption is your husband took these photos, right?  Well, what are the expectations in your marriage?  What are the general rules and boundaries?  Remember, everything and every relationship is negotiable. 

 Suggestions:

1) Tell you husband you need to talk with him about his and ask him when a good time would be - let him name the time.  Never is not an option.

2) Calmly tell you husband why you find these photos upsetting.  Use the “I feel ________, when you _____________, and what I need from you is ___________________” strategy to help him avoid becoming defensive, then you both emotionally escalate which results in a dead end.  Stay calm.

3) Emphasize that marriage is a team and this type of behavior does not positively contribute to the success of your team.  Re-evaluate, together, what expectations you both have in this relationship.  This sounds obvious, but we get stuck in a rut and forget to renegotiate the rules and name the ‘deal breakers.’

4) If your spouse continues to engage in behaviors that are incongruent with your mutually agreed upon standards - get a good Therapist. 

Lastly, even if he is unwilling to attend couples counseling, go by yourself to get the support and validation you need.  Your husband’s behavior may be a one-time no-big-deal event, or it could be the first red flag that your marriage has some issues.  If you begin counseling, your spouse will know you’re serious, and many times the resistant partner will eventually begin to participate.  Either way, a skilled therapist can help give your relationship a tune-up and get back on track.

Thanks for sharing your story.  Good luck!  

Listener email: 

 ”Dear Zanny,
Lately I feel like I am going insane. I live in one of the best cities in the world (New York), however, I am not happy here.

I have a husband who loves me, but we don’t always get along as well as we should. I seem to let his little quirks irritate me. I let it show, and we end up fighting over it. Yet, we go on vacation every year to some place nice, take a couple long weekends per year ( again to some place nice), eat at the best restaurants, see Broadway shows and still I feel like I was happier when I was single living alone in a smaller city. He blames me for us not having friends, yet, we knew no one upon moving here 4 years ago, and meeting other couples is hard, in my opinion. I am not a big socializer, don’t really enjoy meeting new people but I am open to it.

I also despise my job. It is a small office and I avoid my co workers like the plague. It is cliquey, and full of two faced people who talk about you behind your back. It is a lost cause, because of my horrible attitude and complete utter disregard for my peers and management, I feel like I will be fired before I am able to get a new job. I think they keep me because I come to work every day, and am cross trained on all the different functions we do. I get paid fairly well, have benefits, and a decent 401k.

I know most people would love to be in my shoes, but really, I’ve been much happier on the past. I feel like I owe it to my husband to stick this out. If I were to leave I’d be starting from zero and he would be devastated. Thoughts?

Thanks Zanny, enjoy your show.

Signed,
Spoiled little brat in NYC

Sent from my iPod”

Dear Spoiled little brat in NYC:

You don’t sound spoiled to me…  you do sound depressed.  Generally speaking, when someone presents with a similar situation, one of the first question a therapist would ask is:  Do these symptoms result from a situational event, or an underlying medical condition?  A good clinician always rules out medical possibilities because the best therapy in the world won’t cure an underlying medical condition.  Continue reading →

 

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Tim Russert, aged 58, died this week of a cornonry emoblism.  I always liked him - he seemed like a really nice and decent man.  Lolita S. emailed and wanted to know why his death feels so painful to her when she never met him.  If you have felt this way, ask yourself:  “How is this situation similar to something I’ve experienced before?”  Think hard.  Your answer will give you THE answer.  Get it?  Good! : )  I prefer voice mails because it makes the show more interesting, but emails are great too.Listen and leave me a voice mail!

*Talk To Me!  Call me: 678-884-0524, or Listen by cell phone: 1-801-823-1125 

Email me:  Zanny@DearZanny.com.  Do you need relationship advice?  Call Zanny. Let’s talk!  Help make this show more interesting by leaving a voice mail.  

*Disclaimer:  Dear Zanny is for entertainment purposes only.  Any advice suggestions are never intented to substitute proffessional help.  For legal reasons, I will not answer e-mails directly but will use them on a future show so listen and subscribe to have DZ automagically delivered to you

 

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Amanda from IL left a vm and expressed frustration with her girlfriend - but acknowledged, ”I know it’s me.”  Anytime we get a zing from someone - stop, go to the nearest mirror, and look at your reflection.  It’s nearly always a projection.  What characteristics does that person carry that you either deny in yourself, or feel too inferior to own?  It’s normal, you’re human, and - we all do it!  Projection is a gift, because it allows us to see what we most need to integrate into our own psyche.  It’s all good. 

I prefer voice mails because it makes the show more interesting, but emails are great too. Listen and leave me a voice mail!

*Talk To Me!  Call me: 678-884-0524, or Listen by cell phone: 1-801-823-1125 

Email me:  Zanny@DearZanny.com.  Do you need relationship advice?  Call Zanny. Let’s talk!  Help make this show more interesting by leaving a voice mail.  

*Disclaimer:  Dear Zanny is for entertainment purposes only.  Any advice suggestions are never intented to substitute proffessional help.  For legal reasons, I will not answer e-mails directly but will use them on a future show so listen and subscribe to have DZ automagically delivered to you.

 

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How far do we go for our friends?  What are the boundaries when we’ve had life long buddies?  Yikes, always a tough one.  I believe in loyalty to a fault with friends, and covering “their six” in most situations - except when kids are involved.  Listen to Beth’s dilema as to whether or not she should testify in court for her friend when she knows her friend has lied…

I prefer voice mails because it makes the show more interesting, but emails are great too. Listen and leave me a voice mail!

*Talk To Me!  Call me: 678-884-0524, or Listen by cell phone: 1-801-823-1125 

Email me:  Zanny@DearZanny.com.  Do you need relationship advice?  Call Zanny. Let’s talk!  Help make this show more interesting by leaving a voice mail.  

*Disclaimer:  Dear Zanny is for entertainment purposes only.  Any advice suggestions are never intented to substitute proffessional help.  For legal reasons, I will not answer e-mails directly but will use them on a future show so listen and subscribe to have DZ automagically delivered to you.

 

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EMAIL: Beth wrote: 

I love your new podcast!! I heard about it from the Diva Cast and thought I would have a listen.  Well today at work, I caught up on all your episodes (Dear Zanny). I can correlate some of your advice to other events in my life (the cat and mouse and projection of your own feelings of yourself onto other), so I thought I would e-mail with my current dilemma.I have a close friend of 20+ years (since grade school) who is going through a very nasty divorce and custody battle. She has lied about a lot of things (to avoid visitation, etc), done things that I don’t agree with her other children, had her boyfriend move in with us and more…We were roommates (her, me and a total of 7 kids, OY!) and we had a falling out about a bunch of stuff and decided to not extend our lease. 

Well, when I moved out, someone told the custody evaluator that I moved because her boyfriend moved in (which she tells the courts he is not living there, and not her bf),  and that I was frightened for my kids life…. Which is one of the major factors they are considering and now suggesting full custody go to the Dad. Continue reading →

I’ve been MIA the last two months - I had a cancer recurrence, surgery, then off to a healing retreat in Eagle Nest, NM for a week.  I just returned several days ago and have been catching up with my clients.  Thanks for hanging in there with me.  I recieved multiple emails and voice mails - which really inspire me to keep going!  I prefer voice mails because it makes the show more interesting, but emails are great too.Listen and leave me a voice mail!

*Talk To Me!  Call me: 678-884-0524, or Listen by cell phone: 1-801-823-1125 

Email me:  Zanny@DearZanny.com.  Do you need relationship advice?  Call Zanny. Let’s talk!  Help make this show more interesting by leaving a voice mail.  

*Disclaimer:  Dear Zanny is for entertainment purposes only.  Any advice suggestions are never intented to substitute proffessional help.  For legal reasons, I will not answer e-mails directly but will use them on a future show so listen and subscribe to have DZ automagically delivered to you.

 

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This recent episode of surgery to remove a possible cancer recurrence makes me examine my life and where my time and energy goes.  I have my own bucket list of things I want to accomplish before I kick it.  Although I had cancer 8 years ago, the enthusiasm for “living every day as if it’s your last” well, doesn’t last - at least for me.  I did well for a while and completed several things.  I finished graduate school, my writings were published several times, and I delved deeper into my spirituality. 

Now it’s time to create a new list.  I want to learn to play classical piano, and maybe even guitar - I have a gift for music, and haven’t taken all that seriously, but I’m ready.  I want to fly again.  I learned how to fly in the high dessert of CA and reached solo status.  I quit when money ran out, and later my brother was killed in a plane crash… but living close to a community airport and seeing and hearing the small planes, either Cessna’s, or a Piper Cub, and especially open cockpit bi-planes with their big radial engines makes my heart race.  I don’t desire to learn aerobatics like before, now I just want to buzz the neighbors… : )

Thanks for sharing this journey with me.  I’d enjoy hearing what’s on your bucket list!  Please email me, or call:  678-884-0524.  Namste~

So many listeners have offered up lovely words of encouragement .  Your messages are routed to my personal email and when I read them, my heart skips a little at your tender expressions of support.  My upcoming surgery and possible cancer recurrence bring paradoxical feelings.  That is, part of me wants to go inward and carry my private thoughts.  Yet this other part of me must write.  The only way I can overcome my tendency for privacy is to imagine that I’m writing to a trusted friend.  Otherwise my vulnerable, critical self will hit the delete button. 

As a Jungian Therapist, I recognize that my need to write validates C.G. Jung’s “witness” theory.  We need another/s to witness our journey…  that’s why therapy is so healing.  Even if it’s just one person, holding the sacred space and bearing witness to our suffering without judgement promotes healing at the very depth of our psyche.  Right now I must write.  It’s as if some enormous internal energy needs a voice.  So fasten your seat-belts because I am about to disclose my most personal and intimate feelings of being a cancer patient… Continue reading →

Muhammad Ali was with me during a challenging time in my life.  He hung out in my hospital room after I had cancer surgery.  Nope, I was not hallucinating from the drugs.  He visited me daily and told me jokes.  My multiple layers of 150 staples and sutchers holding my 13″ incision together made laughing painful.  But, between the morphine and Muhammad I did.  Muhammad’s grace and charisma transcend his Parkinsonian symptoms.   Muhammad and I were the only two patients on the floor.  When I was finally forced to get out of bed and walk down the hall, I prayed my bare bottom was not in full bloom!  He never mentioned it… 

Muhammad’s visits encouraged and inspired me.  His strength gave me strength.  Between his trembling hands and shuffled gate I felt such compassion for his physical state.  But, the oxymoron to his diminishing physical health was his eyes.  Oh, his eyes were dark, intimidating pools of power.  Muhammad’s eyes held such intelligence and strength that I felt very, very vulnerable on many levels.  His eyes seared right into mine without hesitation or apology.  He missed nothing.  This man could quickly size up his opponent and act without fear.  Yet, there he stood, next to my bed telling me jokes.  I wish I could remember them.  His delightful humor made me forget my sense of feeling emotional naked.  We easily laughed with each other.  Continue reading →

Eckhart Tolle’s new book, A New Earth, is wreaking havoc with some conservative Christians - some of whom are my friends.  I purchased the book on my return trip from Aruba.  I devoured Tolle’s book in the 3.5 hour flight.  I underlined, starred, and made marginalia notes.  I felt elated seeing Tolle’s very well-written thoughts regarding Ego, being present, and one’s life purpose.  Tolle quotes many great minds including C.G. Jung, and Christ.  What a gift Tolle gave to the planet!

I was excited to share this book with my friends.  So I did.  I feel sad to see so much resistance to this literature.  It smacks of antiquated and arrogant censorship - cloaked in Christianity.  What, please educate me, is wrong with reading, discussing, boisterously-but-respectfully sharing differences of thought?  Doesn’t mindful contemplation serve to expand knowledge and either confirm or change one’s opinion?  How can we grow as spiritual beings if we don’t explore other perspectives?  Some myopic Christians actually think Tolle’s book is the work of the anti-Christ!  God help us.

I for one, consciously choose to remain open to many paths.  I identity myself as a Christian, because I do believe Christ was the Messiah.  BUT, I also integrate many other religions into my way of viewing the world - such as Eastern philosophies.   

I don’t ask you to love Tolle’s book the way I do.  I ask that tolerance prevail, and we not be so quick to discount such work because it doesn’t fit in within our spiritual box.  It’s time to take off the lid and expand our consciousness - or at least tolerate others who do.