The First Relationship Advice Podcast

By:  Suzanne Maiden, M.A., LPC 

Years before I became a therapist, I began my own therapeutic journey.  My first therapist, Ed, said something so profound I never forgot.  I was depressed and felt hopeless.  I thought about suicide.  I didn’t have a plan or anything, but it surely seemed as a possible option at the time.  Although I felt deep shame about my suicidal fantasies, I knew I needed help, and confessed to him.  I asked if my thoughts were normal - did everyone think about suicide at some point?  Was I crazy?  Ed calmly answered, “Suzanne, if someone has never thought about suicide - they are not paying attention.  Life is hard!” 

I sighed with relief.  I was, at least in that moment, normal.   Well, whatever defines normal - and that’s a whole other blog post.  Ed validated my suicidal thoughts and feelings as being within the normal spectrum of human emotions.  Today, as a practicing psychotherapist, the majority of my patients, at some point, express some suicidal ideation.  That’s the psycho-babble clinical jargon for suicidal thoughts.   According to Swiss psychiatrist C. G. Jung, when someone feels suicidal - they have the right idea!  Yes!  Jung used to tell his patients, in his thick Swiss accent, “Thank God!  You understand now that something needs to die!”  Jung meant that something needs to die psychologically for the patient - not physically.  Suicidal feelings signal something very big within us needs addressed and resolved - not physically killed.  A popular saying by therapists who assist suicidal patients is, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”  According to SAVE - Suicide Awareness Voices of Education:

• Suicides take the lives of almost 30,000 Americans each year
• Over half of all suicides are completed with a firearm
• For young people, 15-24, suicide is the third leading cause of death
• The highest risk factor for suicide is depression
• 80% of people who seek treatment for depression are treated SUCESSFULLY!

If you or someone you know struggles with suicidal thoughts, please seek immediate medical attention at your local emergency room, call 911, or call: 1-800-273-TALK (8255).  There is HELP.  There is HOPE.  There is HEALING.  

By:  Suzanne Maiden, M.A., LPC

Only the bravest of the brave go to and stay in therapy - the psychological kind.  THERAPY IS HARD WORK for the patient.  Therapy (you know, the counseling kind), requires an enormous emotional and financial commitment.  Then there is that pesky time factor, ideally, the patient should attend 1 session per week - more if they’re in crisis.  Who willingly adds three extra hours of work to their week?  How is it three hours?  Well, on average, the commute alone is about a two hour roundtrip, add in the therapeutic hour - which is actually 50 minutes - and 3 hours are gone!  Therapy is expensive.  Many providers are moving towards private pay because dealing with insurance companies is ridiculously time consuming and not cost-effective for the therapist.  Depending on where you live and the providers credentials, therapy rates may vary from $75.00 - $350.00/hour.  Ouch!   

The emotional expense for the patient is initially pricey.  At first, therapy may seem like a high-cost-low-yield investment.  One of the biggest surprises for the client - therapy doesn’t always feel good right away.  Immediate relief is no guarantee.  Why then, would anyone in their right mind engage in this?  Yes, I know what you’re thinking: ‘Well it they were in their right mind, they wouldn’t need therapy…’  Not so.  I’ve NEVER, never ever, met anyone who could not benefit from some therapy.  I stay in therapy.  We all need a good therapist.  Why?  Because we are all wounded.  Life is hard.  We all have an innate need to be deeply understood.  We all have an innate need to be heard and witnessed and loved.

After several multiple sessions, and depending on their level of functioning, the patient begins to heal.  How?  Because a competent therapist helps the patient identify wounds and traumatic events which contribute towards current dysfunctional behaviors.  This is a process.  It cannot be rushed.  Patients often ask: “I’ve been coming here for 6 weeks?  How come I don’t feel any better?  I actually feel worse!”  Why?  Because it takes years for our psyche to create and maintain defense mechanisms - the emotional blocks we create to avoid feeling pain.  Therapy is like a gentle exfoliation of ‘dead’ or necrotic emotional tissue.  It is hard for the patient to let go of the very structures that have been their emotional glue.  It hurts.  Therefore, the therapist’s role is to facilitate a balance between challenging the patient vs. allowing them freedom to go at their own pace.  A good therapist is constantly negotiating this holding the tensions-of-the-opposites.  Therapy is more like a marathon vs. a sprint. 

Therapy is hard work for the patient - but it is the best investment anyone can make in themselves.  The final dividends are richly fulfilling and yield increased emotional well-being.

By: Suzanne Maiden, M.A., LPC

I was invited to speak to a group this past week.  I spoke about SIB, Self-Injurious Behavior, aka, ‘cutting’.  I gave the attendees my four-page handout citing facts and stats regarding definitions, gender and racial differences, typical age groups, and various scientific theories.  I enjoy presenting and sharing my knowledge.

Then, a middle-aged man with a wave of steel-colored hair looked up over his metal-frame glasses and asked:  “You said you have fairly good success with helping cutters.  What do you attribute that to?”  I readily responded:  “Therapeutic brilliance never cures the client.  But love does.” 

Out of all the data I presented to this educated group, and all of my care in looking professional, speaking well, and emulating speakers that I’ve admired - this statement alone seemed to win their confidence in me.  I saw people nod.  This moment of my pure authenticity resonated as their truth.  What qualities does a good therapist possess?  Yes, the obvious is needed.  A good therapist needs to have a solid theoretical framework, based on data and research, from which they operate.  Most therapists that I know, are eclectic and integrate a variety of techniques such as experiential with humanistic, and dose of cognitive-behavioral therapy to assist their clients.  This is good.  This works.  But, in my experience, when the client experiences genuine lovingness from the therapist - this hastens the healing process.  Carl Rogers referred to this as ‘unconditional positive regard.’  

When we feel safe, contained, valued, deeply understood and loved by the therapist - we are able to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and emotionally exposed, knowing that whatever we bring into the therapeutic setting is OK.  This is what helps us heal.  Love.                

Relationships are like bank accounts.  Like bank accounts, in relationships you make deposits, withdrawals, and check your balance.  Friends and lovers and couples would be healthier if they applied this principle to their relationships.  It’s not hard.  It’s like banking.  Sometimes money goes in, and sometimes it goes out, and sometimes things are just status quo, you know, balanced.  In relationships emotional energy is the currency. 

Relationships require emotional energy.  The energy is seldom in perfect balance.  Sometimes one person is ’extra expensive’ - requiring a lot of emotional currency.  Perhaps a friend or lover or significant other needs to make hefty withdrawals - maybe they are in crisis, or depressed (from either neuro-chemical or situational causes), or just plain life happens and they need to withdrawal some emotional currency - the energy from the relationship you’ve built.  What does that look like?  Oftentimes, patience. 

 Sometimes the person in need of emotional currency needs to verbalize their conflict, or maybe they need to emotionally isolate.  One may choose to give the emotional currency or state feel like the joint account has  ’insufficient funds’.  The later is a tough one.

When one person repeatedly makes deposits to the relationship and the other makes withdrawals, the account becomes drained.  For a healthy emotional account, both people must contribute to joint deposits.  A healthy balance allows both partners to make deposits and withdrawals.

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By:  Suzanne Maiden, M.A.

I was pleasantly surprised to see the Today Show with Dr. Nancy Snyderman and the Editor in Chief, Ann Shoket, of Seventeen Magazine, discuss cutting behaviors in young women.  ‘Cutting’ is the layperson word for Self -Injurious Behaviors (SIB).  Why would I be happy to hear this touchy topic be talked about on mainstream T.V?  Because cutters and why they cut are grossly misunderstood.  I wrote my graduate thesis on SIB.   Many medical personnel and mental health professionals find cutters’ behaviors troubling, treatment-resistant, and plain disgusting.  As a practicing Family Therapist I have successfully treated many cutters.  I appreciate your bringing awareness to this issue.  I would like to offer just a bit more insight based on my experience.

Katie Stewart bravely shared her painfully private struggle with the Today Show .  In many ways, she represents the various women with whom I have worked – bright, beautiful, and the seemingly a “great kid”.   Unless one would see their scars, cutters do not fit an easily identifiable profile.  Outwardly, they present as very together.  Inwardly, they battle demons.  Most want to quit.  Many report extreme shame and guilt over their irresistible urge to self-injure and go to great lengths to hide their scars.  But why?  Why does anyone self-injure?  There are multiple hypothesis as to why people self injure to include:  1) non-validating environment, 2) poor attachment in childhood, 3) addicted to their own opiate release system, and 4) history of sexual abuse. 

The data strongly support the positive correlation between sexual abuse and future SIB.  Not every person who has been sexually abused will end up self-injuring.  Conversely, not every person who engages in self-injury has a positive history for sexual abuse.  However, in my personal experience, the majority of my clients who self-injure do report a positive history of prior sexual abuse. 

What’s sexual abuse have to do with self-injury?  The cutters who do have a positive history for sexual abuse frequently report that self-injury is the only way they know to access their pain – or express it.  Ironically, many self-injurers do not feel pain while actively self-injuring.  Why?  Because sexual abuse survivors tend to be very adept at the ability to dissociate.  That is, when sexual abuse occurs, the victim often mentally “checks out”.  This ability helps the victim endure the abuse when they cannot physically escape.  Many cutters report they are in a dissociative state when they self-injure and many do not realize the extent of tissue trauma until they “come back” mentally. 

Cutters are often the modern day lepers of emergency rooms and therapists’ office.  Nobody wants to deal with them and their self destructive acts.  However, their wounds are the physical manifestation of their internal suffering.  If they knew how to access their pain in a healthier way – many would.  Thank you TODAY Show and Seventeen Magazine for bringing this dark phenomenon into the light.          

OK, I’ve gotten on board with the whole new text era.  Initially, I did not understand why people texted.  I witnessed many young people’s fingers frantically flying across doll-house sized key pads and thought:  Why?  Why not use the same cell phone and call the person?  Like, why not just have a real conversation?

Then, I started texting.  I get it now!  Texting is convenient when a phone call is  impractical.  You can text anytime -  day or middle of the night, not so with a phone call.  Texting is a great way to send a quick message without having an extended phone conversation.  And, for whatever cheap thrill I derive, it’s just fun.  Texting is like getting a cool letter in the mail, or an anticipated email or post on facebook.

Now, the bad side.  Texting, while fun, can be hazardous to relationships.  Because there is a LOT of room for misinterpretation.  Subtle nuances don’t come across clearly.  Typos and abbreviations can lead to general confusion for the recipient.  While texting is fun and sometimes necessary, it can create more communication problems.          

I guess we’ve each done it at different times.  We laugh at someone verses with them.  This seems to happen more in group settings than individual because groups often give us psychological insulation - we feel protected within the parameters of the group.  We may say or do things we would not engage in as an individual.  In psychology, we label this phenomenon as ‘group think’ - sort of like ‘monkey see, monkey do’ type mentality. 

Groups, predictably, psychologically collapse to the lowest denominator of the group member - this is certainly true in family systems.  The most neurotic family member calls the shots for the entire family.  The family acquieses to the needs of the sickest family member.  Groups frequently mimic familial dynamics.

It fascinates me when a group will bully or slam or make fun of or criticize or laugh at another.  This is an example of when the group slips to the lowest denominator of the dominant and twisted person.  I feel ashamed when I’m with a group and this occurs.  I do recognize the distinction between teasing verses unkindness or cruelty.  I have gotten into heated arguments when I’ve been in this situation - when someone is intentionally and cruelly critiquing another.  I give credit to my mother. 

My mother is innately kind.  My first lesson in not participating in the group think and laughing at others was when I was in third grade.  We lived in Stow, OH.  A girl in my class Bonita, was larger than the rest of us and mentally impaired.  Chronologically, Bonita belonged in 5th grade, but her mental lethargy required her to be placed with my third grade class.  Bonita loved physical affection.  She ran up to anyone and tried to kiss them.  Well, this caused quite the stir on our playground.  Everybody ran away when Bonita approached with her body crushing hugs and drowning wet kisses.  Children laughed and sneered and made fun of Bonita.  I felt great compassion for her.  Most of the time, I allowed her to kiss me on the cheek, and agreed to push her on the swing.  The other kids made fun of me for befriending Bonita.  I didn’t care.  I even tried to physically defend her against the class bullies.  This was difficult for me because although I was tall, I was very skinny and didn’t have any physical strength to back up my verbal threats.  Most of the time, I got the bullies to leave Bonita alone.  I couldn’t stand anyone hurting her either physically or emotionally.

Several years later, we lived in Williamsville, NY.  My mother was driving and we came to a 4-way stop sign.  I impulsively stuck my tongue out at the opposite car.  I was about 11 years-old, and I cannot remember why I did such a thing.  My mother turned and slapped me hard across my face.  I was shocked.  She told me that I had no idea who could be in that car and they may interpret my behavior as cruel mockery.  Between Bonita and my mother’s hard slap, I got it. 

I am extremely sensitive to laughing or mocking or making fun of another.  I don’t do it.  Laughing at others with intentional malice is cruel.  It’s a small person who engages in the behavior.  I am so glad I have surrounded myself with the kindest of friends.    

By: Suzanne Maiden

My therapist said today:  “Christmas is a diabolical system in America…. We have lost our way.”  Whoa.  I’d never heard those two words, ‘Christmas’ and ‘diabolical’ used together before.  Let me explain.

I began our session saying that I felt discombobulated during this Christmas season.  I love the idea of Christmas.  I love the idea of giving to others to our fullest capacity without expectation of return.  I love my increased intense feeling of connection to the Divine.  I love the collective celebration of the miracle of Christ.  It is beautiful.  But I wasn’t feeling the love this season.

Instead, I couldn’t wait for it all to be over.  I  disliked fighting the traffic and shortness in others, whether is be sales people or customers.  And of course family complexes and neurosis glibly come trotting out in full expression.  Nothing about my experience felt reverent or restorative or remotely holy.

When I explored my dissatisfaction with my therapist, Barry, he replied: “Your feelings are accurate because Christmas is a diabolical system in America.”  What?  Barry continued and said, ”Unfortunately, Christmas in America has become an extroverted experience.”  How?  Because many of us are outward and excessive during this time.  Our social calendars are often overbooked with parties, some we actually complain about feeling obligated to attend.  We loose our focus and the point of togetherness.  The Sacred, Soul, the Divine, God feels mysteriously absent.  We consume too much food and often too much alcohol.  We wake up hungover and extra pounds on the bathroom scale as evidence of our gluttony.  We purchase presents out of obligation instead of heartfelt love.

Christmas is a time for reflection and a recapitulation of our connectedness to all that Is.  Christmas is the season to increase our commune with God.  Of course, we can collectively celebrate and honor this event.  But the way in which many of us do somehow and sadly feels vacant of the Sacred.  I long for something deeper and more meaningful.   

Christmas is about the miracle of light; it’s about the miracle of Christ’s light in the midst of darkness.  This is something to celebrate, but in a much more introverted and reverent manner.  One of the loveliest Christmases I experienced was in Venice.

I was active duty Air Force and stationed at RAF Bentwaters, England.  My girlfriend, Paula, invited me to spend Christmas with her and her family in Venice.  I vividly remembering walking the streets on Christmas Eve and the excitement, merriment and joy from others exuded everywhere.  The dinner we ate felt more about the anticipation and sanctity of Christ’s birth than the menu.  The gourmet cuisine was to honor the blessed gift.  The message of the Divine seemed ever present.  This was two decades ago, and perhaps things have changed.  I hope they have not sadly followed our excessive commercialism.  

I am aware that this post may sound Anti-American.  Not so.  I love my country.  I feel blessed to be an American.  I proudly served 5 years Active Duty Air Force.  I get tears when I stand for our National Anthem or see our flag boldly blowing in the wind.  

My disappointment in Christmas just left me to examine what is the missing piece.  I agree with my therapist: Christmas in America has become a diabolic system contaminated with commercial excessiveness.  We mistakenly regard Christmas as an extroverted event.  In small doses and when done with meaning, this is fine.  But, we have become gluttonous consumers and slaves to commercialism.  If we want a deeper experience, if we seek to access the essence of the Divine, then we need to reorient our stance inward.       

 

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By: Suzanne Maiden

As a Family Therapist one question frequently asked is: “How do I find a good therapist?” Below are 5 basic components to consider:

I. Word of Mouth is still one of the best ways to find a skilled therapist. If you’re resistant to asking a friend, consider calling the following to ask for referrals:

* Primary Care Physician/Doctor’s Office
* Local church (call several)
* Hospice or Funeral Home (if grief related)
* Local Hospital Mental Health Unit
* School Guidance Counselor (s)
* Community Mental Health Center (often listed in the front of your phone book)
* EAP (employee assisstance program)

II. The First Call – What to Ask?

* What are your clinical specialties?
* What population do you enjoy working with most?
* Do you accept insurance? Will you consider a sliding scale?
* Do you have access to a competent psychiatrist if medications may be needed?
* Average length of treatment?
* Are you in therapy? Have you ever been?
Most therapists have the academic training to treat the full spectrum of mental health issues. However, as therapists we have our clinical strengths. For example, one of my areas of expertise is SIB (self-injurious behavior) or ‘cutters.’ Many therapists dislike working with this population for various reasons. I can work with cutters all day long. Don’t be afraid to ask. The last question surprises people. You want your therapist to have actively spent time working on their issues before they help you work on yours. I stay in therapy because I need a great therapist for me to be a good therapist. It’s like Tiger Woods continuing to take golf lessons – it keeps him on top of his game.

III. The First Appointment – What to Expect:

* You want the therapist to take a thorough history. Yes, I know, you or your loved one may be in crisis and you finally make it to the therapist’s office; you’ve got a lot to say. You don’t want to spend part of your 50 minutes by answering a lot of questions. But a thorough history potentially eliminates big future ‘uh oh’s’ and errors.  It’s imperative to your best treatment.  Nearly every time I compromise on initial history taking - I regret it because I inevitably miss a big piece of information that perhaps my client did not think was a big deal - but was key for correct diagnosis and treatment.
* Be honest about all medication use, especially recreational drugs to include alcohol.
* Make sure you understand confidentiality policies. Therapists are mandated reporters. Loosely, a mandated reporter is legally obliged to report suicidal/homicidal threats and physical/sexual abuse. This does NOT mean that if the client mentions suicidal/homicidal thoughts that they will be reported. Only, if the client presents imminent danger to self or others, then therapist must take appropriate action.

IV. Trust Your Gut – But Don’t Quit Prematurely

* Trust your gut whether the therapist is a good fit; BUT, give a new therapist 6 sessions before you bail. Rapport takes some time.
* It’s important that you like the therapist as a person; this doesn’t mean that you agree with everything they say, I guarantee you won’t, that’s OK
* It’s important that you feel confident in their ability
* It’s important that you experience the therapist as genuine, compassionate, sensitive, and non-judgmental of whatever you bring into the session

V. A Good Therapist Can Change Your Life:

The therapeutic relationship is one of the most intimate relationships you will ever know because it is supposed to be a safe haven to explore your inner world and deepest thoughts. It is completely about you - the client. Reciprocity does not, nor should it, exist. That is, the therapist is always in service of the client.

Lastly, the therapeutic role is to assist the client in exploring healthy life choices and identify barriers which may inhibit that process. Therapy can be one of the most growth-enhancing and healing events anyone can ever experience. Make that call.

By: Suzanne Maiden

It’s nearly the New Year and I traditionally like to tidy up lose ends.  I am naturally organized, except for lately, things (papers, study materials, academic books etc.) seem to stack up like snowfall during a winter storm.  I like a structured environment to perform at my optimum; I’m not neurotic but I focus better.  So in that effort - well to get it together for the New Year, I’m going through my emails… 

I’m sorting through my 1234 emails.  I found some feedback from listeners.  Any feedback I receive I am grateful.  Even negative feedback lets me know that someone is out there in podcast land and listening.  It stokes my motivation to keep pushing through the pain-in-the-booty factor to produce shows.  Thanks to each and everyone of you who contribute to any of the three shows I do:  1)  http://www.InsytWorks.com, 2) http://TheDivaCast.com, and of course 3) http://www.DearZanny.com.  Below are some comments from listeners:     

Hi Robin and Susan,

I just listened to your InsytWorks podcast on the subject of Elliot Spitzer and prostitution. You and Susan are remarkably talented. Please don’t misinterpret this, but if Loren Michaels (the produce of Saturday Night Live) got wind of you two, you’d be able to buy your own airliner! Again, I am not being condescending in any sense, I think you guys are incredibly articulate and passionate about your subject matter and I can also appreciate the seriousness of the topic. I happen to love satire, however, and I found quite a bit of humor in your exchange. Susan is remarkably bright and witty. I enjoyed it very much and again, I hope you don’t take offense to my comments. I also hope that Susan is fairing well with her cancer. All the best, Tom

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Hi Suzanne!  I discovered your show a few months ago and am totally caught up on all of your episodes now.  Thanks to you and your husband for putting it out.  I am a counselor on a long maternity leave (I had two babies close together, so I am taking 2 years off to enjoy babyhood).  I come from a very cognitive-behavioral background, so your show is stretching my mind.  I really enjoyed your topical discussions of grief and self-mutilation.  My suggestion is this:  I would love to hear more topical discussions from a depth perspective (ex - domestic violence explained from a depth psych perspective).  Thanks for all you both do.  Oh - I am also a huge fan of the Diva Cast (even though I am only 28).  It is very encouraging to hear ladies in a life stage ahead of me with so much zest for life and career.  It reminds me that there is life again after babies.  
Much appreciation for what you do - Katherine from McKinney, TX

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Note from Mama Whyte!: I Love all of your podcasts!  I listen to them religiously!
You are such an amazing girl, and a true diva
~ Chrissy

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Dear Suzanne & Robin,First I want to say I’ve become such a fan of your podcasts.  I listen to TheDivaCast, Insyt Works, and now Dear Zanny!  Of course I also listen to Carrie’s Words to Mouth.  I am listening to an old Insyt podcast on Being Loving.  Suzanne, I was so surprised to hear that someone would ever think you are being superficial or that you may need to win them over.  I’ve always been drawn to the authenticity and wisdom of what you share.  It was so helpful to me today to hear you say that when you are being loving and someone can still have a strong or visceral reaction directed at you.  I can completely identify with that.  Anyway, all that to say what you said today really resonated with me.  Thank you!Oh, also I will be going on the Manic Mommies Cruise (feeling like a bit of a podcast stalker now - please do not misinterpret -I have a very long commute and you all keep me entertained!)  Kindest regards, Angela

By:  Suzanne Maiden

We’re all seekers.  We quest for meaning and purpose.  We want to know, at the deepest level, that life and Soul are synonymous.  We want purposeful lives profound with meaning.  But Good God!  The task most oftentimes seems insurmountably impossible.  So we bumble our way, walking down various paths never knowing, actually guessing, if the current road we’ve choosen will take us to our final destination.  Destination = Soul = Logos or God or Yahweh = Home.

The vast paths each of us select vary as much as the types of species in the entire animal kingdom.  This variability allows a lot of latitude for judgement from others.  We critique others and their method of searching for meaning.  Simultaneously, we may secretly wonder if maybe they know something we don’t?

Oftentimes, our quest is an unconscious one.  That is, the invisible pull towards meaning is strong.  The intangible, unnameable something gnaws at our very essence, but what is it?  What mystery silently beckons us?  Many of us unconsciously move through the everyday motions of life.  This does not present too many problems until we want something more.  When we want more, yet remain unconscious and unaware of how to access Soul, then we often externally search.   

For many, our unconscious impulses leave us to externally search for Soul through acquisition.  We buy things.  We buy big homes, vehicles, and clothes which we project our split-off parts of self on. 

A concrete, hypothetical, example is someone who remodels their kitchen.  We want a new structure.  Now, of course, the need may be real and valid.  OK.  But, what happens when it’s ‘never good enough’ scenario plays out?  We pay someone to come and demolish the existing structure to create something anew.  Already, the metaphor is percolating…  That is, we pay someone else to destroy our existing psychological structure and recreate another.  Except, it’s not good enough, nor will it ever be.  The unconscious purchaser is really asking for someone else to recreate their structure - their psychological structure.  The purchaser attempts to find meaning in their life via external search for Soul.  They are willing to pay someone a hefty price to do the work, but the work is not another’s - it is our own.     

This pattern of behavior is predictable, and usually necessary for most of us, until we discover the futility of it all.  Because when we get all the material things we so desperately sought, and still feel empty, our real work can begin.  The climate is perfect for Soul growth.

For some, this expedition for Soul Search typically does not occur until the middle years of our life.  C. G. Jung noted this as the typical pattern.  But what happens when this next and appropriate phase is never reached?  Then, we continue to externally search for Soul.  We seek meaning through every external way possible.  We vehemently avoid doing our inner work.  Inner work is the only access to Soul. 

Inner work is hard work.  Inner work is analogous to an archaeological dig; it takes time and care and gentle excavation to reach and explore the buried pieces of Self.  What is Inner work?  Inner work is identifying the split off parts of Self and consciously working towards healing those broken pieces.  Inner work is any venue that increases consciousness.  By being conscious of behavior patterns and underlying impulses and urges and motivations - which typically cannot be fully done without help (e.g. therapist, spiritual teacher, shaman…), we can begin to heal ourselves and our wounding.  

When we begin to heal ourselves we can withdrawal our negative projections onto others.  We can stop pointing our proverbial finger at others and our intolerance for their shortcomings.  We reorient our perspective and earnestly look in the mirror.  If we can look at ourselves, then we can begin to healthfully integrate our split-off parts of Self.  When we can assimilate our woundedness, C.G. Jung said we’re never done, we walk towards psyche’s goal:  Individuation. 

Through this process we may minimize our external search for Soul.  When we look externally in search for Soul, we will never find it.  Finding Soul has always been and always will be the result of our inner work.  Soul has been sitting with us through our entire journey.  Look inside. 

By:  Suzanne Maiden

Ooooohhhhhhh, I have a new favorite song:  Crush, by David Archuleta.  The lyrics inspired me to think about what distinguishes a crush verses a real connection, e.g., love, verses a simple crush?  What is a crush?  What is love?  Do all love relationships begin with a crush?  Who knows?  How do you decipher between them? 

What happens when you have a crush on another and you know it may be like licking an ice-cream cone except this flavor  will only inflame your tongue like a dessert fire?  And yet… the pull is very strong.  It’s analogous to the moon pulling the tide.  The tide is strong in it’s own right, but the moon’s magnetic pull dictates how the tide will express itself.  The two seemingly tandem events need each-other for expression.  The moon dominates the tide, and the tide must acquiesce.  It unfolds the way nature intended.  Could this metaphor be applied to human desire, or crushes?  While the magnetic pull of the moon cannot be denied, the tide still ebbs and flows by itself.   

If we’re honest we all get crushes or feel an attraction to others - even those of us in committed relationships.  Each of us feels sexual tension towards various people at different times.  We look at another and contemplate, “Yeah, maybe a different time, different place… maybe.”  Get a group of women together, and a little alcohol in the mix, and their crush confessions come out.  Some people experience this more than others.  I certainly have to own my experience of different crushes at different times for whatever reason.  I haven’t acted on any, but the feelings have been present at various times. 

I have a confession; I have had a small, itsy-bitsy crush on my surgical oncologist, Charlie.  He’s excessively chubby.  He’s bald.  He’s extremely intelligent - OK, smart-as-hell would be my exact description.  And, oh yeah, and we laugh and laugh and laugh.  Charlie has to call me at different times to give me my CAT scan results.  We often talk for an extended period, until I finally say, “Charlie, don’t you have a life you need to save?”  I own my affection for him, and have never taken it seriously.  I regard my crush as the ‘hero worship’ scenario.  He saved my life.  And I know he would do whatever it takes to save me.  I sense he genuinely cares for me as a fellow human being.  Of course I feel affection for him.  I know that is as far is it will go. 

I diligently work at being conscious on my behaviors and underlying feelings.  It’s hard work, and I find I that I am never done.  That’s why I stay in therapy, because when I’m unconscious of my behaviors, I can count on my therapist, Barry, to set me straight - which he frequently gets the opportunity to do.  If I feel a crush or attraction to someone, I teasingly tell my husband, “Did I tell you?  He’s my next husband, hahhahaa.”  We both laugh.  No harm, no foul.  

Actually, if events unfolded so that I had the opportunity to re-marry, I would not.  I’m not interested in marriage.  It’s just not on my agenda.  In many ways, I’m better single.  But who knows this until they marry?  And, my stance does not mean I’m unhappy in my own marriage.  

So, what about crushes?  Why do we get them?  When do you know if it’s more?  Does that mean you act on it?  I don’t know.  And if we acted on every attraction - nothing in the planet would ever get done!  What about the deeper connection that penetrates physical exteriors?  As Archuleta sings, “Am I crazy or falling in love?  Is it real, or just another crush?  Do you catch your breath when I look at you?  Are you holding back like the way I do… cause I’m trying, trying to walk away, but I know this crush ain’t going away…”  

How do you decipher the difference between a crush or love?  What do you do about it?  How do you manage the intense feelings?  Call me:  678-884-0524 and anonymously share.  I know you’re out there - because some of you have privately confessed your crushes with me… 

By:  Suzanne Maiden 

We all can easily identify who they are.  The ‘unattractive ones.’  We learn at a very early age how our culture, and our specific sub-culture defines beauty.  Interestingly enough, many cultures agree on what constitutes facial beauty; body weight and shape seem to be more variable. 

Northern American culture values thinness and fitness.  The oxymoron is that our population is one of the fattest in the world.  In Brazil for example, voluptuous bottoms in women are considered very sexy.  In Greece the female who sports a Botticelli body (which would be defined as ‘fat’ by our society) are courted for their voluminous curves.  And, the well known song “Baby’s Got Back” speaks to the African American culture who value women with fuller figures.  One of the lines in the lyrics speaks to women’s measurements and what is ideal.  The lyrics sing: “…36, 26, 36?  Only if she’s 5′3″…”  Again, facial features seem to be more concrete and less flexible in beauty definition.

So what happens when the individual who does not meet the cultural criteria of beauty?  The metaphorical ‘Ugly Duckling’ scenario emerges.  They experience rejection by their peers.  I was the ‘Ugly Duckling’ during my high school years.  Nobody asked me to the prom.  Nobody asked me out.  I was awkward and didn’t really fit any specific peer group.  I was unattractive and had not yet discovered my athletic talents.  I had one best friend, Alison, and we did everything together.  The internal experience and deep psychological wounding of being cast as the Ugly Duckling never completely fades.  The experience indelibly shapes our future internal definition of self.

Now, I eventually ‘came into my own’ in my mid to late 20’s.  I learned how to control my mass of naturally curly hair, my acne subsided, and I learned to wear figure-flattering clothes vs. my former too-big-shirts which I used to mask my big boobs.  I chuckle now, because in high school I was 5′7″ and weighed 117lbs.  I actually had a beautiful figure, but because I have a classic hour glass figure, it did not meet the current criteria of beauty.  I felt huge and ridiculously tall next to the my petite classmates.  The profound impact to my psyche permanently shaped me.  Not only did I never feel pretty enough, I felt downright homely. 

I attended my 20 year high school class reunion; I made sure that I looked really good. I had the sweetest experience.  Several of the males didn’t recognize me, and were falling all over themselves to figure out who I was.  One said, “Oh my God, I can’t believe I don’t remember you!”  He continued to look at my name-tag and obviously couldn’t recall any memory of me.  I smiled and said, “Yeah where were you when I needed a date to the prom?”

Having been formerly cast and identified as the Ugly Duckling, I feel anyone’s pain who shares this experience.  Now as a practicing Family Therapist, and with some hind-sight, I suggest the following for anyone who thinks they fall into the Ugly Duckling category:

1) Identify your own talents and gifts

2) Develop these talents and gifts - maybe you’re gifted at painting, writing, music.  Maybe you have a unique hobby, regardless of how obscure, that makes interesting conversation.  Use it.  People love interesting people.  A famous ‘unattractive’ celebrity was author, Truman Capote.  He was insanely popular in New York society - and a party was not considered complete without him.  Every hostess coveted his presence.  

3) Use your sense of humor.  A good example is Woody Allen.  Most people would not describe him as ’hot’ or handsome.  But Woody Allen is slap-your-mama funny.  People adore him!  Be able to laugh at yourself.

4) Realize external beauty fades and is so temporary.  Only internal beauty is long lasting.  Yeah, yeah, you’e heard it before, but really think about this.  Why?  Because the beautiful people will eventually be at a handicap when their beauty subsides - if they haven’t developed any other aspect of ’self.’ 

5) Be kind and generous to everyone.  People respond to kindness and generosity of spirit - even the beautiful people.  We’re all insecure, I don’t care how beautiful other’s perceive us to be, most of us doubt ourselves and feel inadequate relative to others.  The proverbial grass always looks greener.  A kind word and generous intentions yield more dividends than a beautiful face or body. 

The long term impact of being early identified as the Ugly Duckling becomes part of one’s psychological landscape.  History cannot be changed, but it can be cognitively tweaked.  The way in which we regard the experience can be shaped.  I am actually glad I had the experience of being cast as the Ugly Duckling.  The experience forced me to develop other aspects of myself that I would not have done otherwise, it gave me considerably greater compassion for others who are ‘less perfect’ and I learned the value of genuine kindness and compassion.  I would not change it.     

 

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By: Suzanne Maiden

I had a great time presenting at the Manic Mommies Escape ‘08. I talked about key techniques you can use when communicating with your partner.  And, these skills work wonders with your colleagues, bosses, and family members.  Try it out and let me know.  I’d love to hear your results. Call me: 678-884-0524.

By:  Suzanne Maiden 

Have you ever loved someone and it makes no sense?  I recently had a client who stated that he loves a woman with such fervor and such frenetic intensity that throughout the session he repeatedly asked me if he were sane.  I reassured him, that his sanity was well intact.  He struggled to wrap his mind around having profound feelings for another when it felt irrational to his cognitive side.  This man could not make logical sense of why he could have such profound and deep feelings for a woman that appeared incongruent with his internal checklist.  Have you ever loved another and it makes no sense? 

Sometimes love is irrational.  Sometimes love makes no sense.  Sometimes love does not care about age difference, or ethnicity, or physical criteria, or health, or money; love does not care if it violates your mental checklist.  Love is non-discriminatory.  Love Just Is.  Love expresses itself without our permission, without our conscious consent, and without our logical cognition.  Love insists on being acknowledged.  Love wants expression.  

Love wants a voice - which may be nothing more than a divine whisper.  Loving another can never be wrong.  Love is the closest emotion to the divine we can express as spiritual beings who temporarily have a human experience.  Love is the Alpha and Omega.  Love is trump.