Entries from March 2008 ↓

I wrote my thesis on SIB (Self Injurious Behavior) - it’s a topic close to my heart.  No, I’ve never been a “cutter.” But I love someone who engages in this behavior.  Cutters are on the increase.  I am a Family Therapist and 90% of my adolescent clients currently cut, or have experimented with it.  Yep.  What do they look like?  They look like kids you would see at your local coffee shop.  They are “A” students, varsity sport players, church youth leaders, and high achievers.  They typically abstain from recreational drug use.  So, WHY?  Why do these seemingly all-American kids cut themselves?

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How many times have you angrily erupted and the recipient looks at you like you’ve just grown two heads?  What’s up with that?  This displaced anger or “over reaction” is nearly always a sign that your emotional tank is too full.  Sometimes if your erupt at someone, it doesn’t have anything to do with them specifically - that is when your feelings/anger is “displaced.”  Other times, the person you spew verbal vomit has just ticked you off for the laaaaaaaasssst time!  Maybe their comment was innocent, but it held just enough toxic energy to trigger you - like the match to the powder keg. 

 This is when you need to step back and self-examine why your emotional barometer is pegged to the max.  We all do it, have done it, and (I for sure) will end up doing it again.  It’s definitely time for emotional introspection so you can address the real cause of your anger. 

 

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Kim from TX sends an email to TheDivaCast.com first, and we (The Divas) agreed that it was better responded to by me, Zanny. Kim has been married for 5 years to “a wonderful father, a good provider, and a life partner…” but his fatal flaw is the verbal abuse he spews, sometimes daily, at Kim. She has tried various tactics to entice him to change his behavior. Nothing has worked. What needs to happen now?

Talk To Me! Call me: 678-884-0524, or Listen by cell phone: 1-801-823-1125

Email me: Zanny@DearZanny.com. Do you need relationship advice? Call Zanny. Let’s talk!

Zanny

Disclaimer: Dear Zanny is for entertainment purposes only. Any advice offered is never intented to substitute proffessional help.

It is Easter morning - a day Christians observe Christ’s resurrection.  Many families around the world will be together.  Some people are eager and willing while others join their family of origin with tense trepidation.  If you experience increasing anxiety over family get-togethers, you are normal. 

Most families have some level of dysfunctional behaviors and long standing patterns which nobody challenges.  As adult children returning to the nest, we often revert back to being the child and engaging in the same neurotic behaviors and feeling like we are adolescents - or younger.  How do you cope with a forced family function?  Have a game plan before you go. Continue reading →

 

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This email came from Anabella, a 42 year-old Italian immigrant.  Her own mother was abusive both phsycially and emotionally.  Now, Anabella’s father is dying and her mother wants Anabella and her two young children to stay with her.  NO! NO! NO!  Anabella - you’re entitled to protect yourself.  Listen how. 

Two wonderful books on this topic that I highly recommend are: 1) Toxic Parents by: Dr. Susan Forward and 2) The Drama of The Gifted Child by: Alice Miller.

*Talk To Me!  Call me: 678-884-0524, or Listen by cell phone: 1-801-823-1125Email me:  Zanny@DearZanny.com.  Do you need relationship advice?  Call Zanny. Let’s talk! 

*Disclaimer:  Dear Zanny is for entertainment purposes only.  Any advice offered is never intented to substitute proffessional help. 

 

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Pursuer-distancer relationship dynamics occur in all types of relationships - lovers, siblings, and friendships - but why?  What does the pursuer need that the distancer senses and makes them RUN?!  The pursuer (one who’s chasing) needs to take a deep breath and stop for a moment and ask themselves, “What is it I am asking the other do do for me that I cannot do for myself?”  Each of us is responsible for our own emotional well-being.  It’s a fairytale to think someone else can fulfill us all the time in every way.  It is our responsibility to do our own inner work and become emotionally self-reliant.

Talk To Me!  Call me: 678-884-0524, or Listen by cell phone: 1-801-823-1125

Email me:  Zanny@DearZanny.com.  Do you need relationship advice?  Call Zanny. Let’s talk! 

Zanny

Disclaimer:  Dear Zanny is for entertainment purposes only.  Any advice offered is never intented to substitute proffessional help. 

My values got tested recently.  I was about to hire a contractor to do some granite installation in my home.  The owner of the business did the consult.  He is a very attractive man from another country.  He was overtly flirtatious, borderline inappropriate, but I did not take it seriously and merely laughed it off.  That was not the biggest problem.

Later that week, I was invited to a friends for dinner.  She and her husband just had their kitchen remodeled by the very same company.  It looked lovely.  She was pleased with the work, but an ugly event occurred.  The brother to the owner of the business made their cabinets.  When he came to their home, he said, “I want my money now because you are a Jew.”  My friend thought she had heard incorrectly, until he repeated his anti-semitic remark.  I was horrified, shocked, and hurt for her.  Now I had a moral decision - this granite business is known to be one of the best around and everything was set to begin the project.

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I went to the gym this morning.  Yep, I did the 10:30 a.m. centergery class with some of my girlfriends.  I noticed a woman in front of me.  She had lovely legs.  Since I’m nearly 47 years-old, my legs certainly aren’t what they used to be!  I only wish I would have appreciated what I had when it looked great.  So, after class I approached the woman, who is probably a decade younger than I.  I said, “You have such beautiful legs!”  she undramatically responded, “Oh, huh…  Thanks, but they have a lot of scars from sports injuries…”  Was her response humility or her own sense of inferiority?  I suspect the later.  Nonetheless, her response made me sad.

I realize I often am guilty of the same behavior.  When someone compliments me, I quickly find fault with myself and why their perception is incorrect.  We women tend to do this more often than men.  Yes - it’s a stereotype, I own it.  But, have you ever complimented a man and they enthusiastically say “Thanks!”  They don’t give you 20 reasons why your compliment is inaccurate.

What I want to convey is this:  Let’s compliment each-other, sincerely of course, and see another’s inner and outer beauty.  And, the next time someone compliments you, accept it with graciousness and class by responding with a humble, “Thank you.”

The big hoopla today is all about NY Governor, Eliot Spitzer, and his alleged appetite for high priced call girls ~ aka prostitutes.  Ironically, it was Spitzer himself while Attorney General who investigated similar activities several years ago which sent 18 people to prison for money laundering and corruption.  Of course late night comedians are having the last laugh. 

Why is prostitution illegal?  What’s wrong with consenting adults exchanging money for sex?  One may not morally agree with such a transaction - but who is it hurting?  People prostitute themselves everyday in all sorts of ways…  Wouldn’t things be more simple if pimps were pushed out of their paternal role and prostitution made legal?  What if all prostitutes had to get mandatory health screens to avoid and prohibit the spread of STD’s?

Personally, I think prostitution should be legalized in this country.  Prostitution is never going away, just like prohibition didn’t deter drinking decades earlier.  People still consumed alcohol.  Prohibition actually increased mortality rates.  Why?  Because people made “bathtub” booze which often contained lethal amounts of toxic substances and people died.  No parameters were in place to protect the people.  Their behavior did not change, they just went underground.   

I think prostitution should be legalized.  Illegalizing prostitution, like previous prohibition, has done more damage to people than save them.  If prostitution were legal, parameters could be in place to help protect people who chose to participate in the oldest gig on the planet.