Entries from July 2008 ↓

Swiss psychiatrist, C.G. Jung, talked extensively about the projection of one’s anima/animus - our inner opposite gender.  When we meet our animus (the inner male for women) or anima (inner female for men) - it’s instant kinetic attraction.  My God, you will feel it like a tsunami.  You will find yourself fantasizing about them in every sense.  You may not understand why they have an emotional grip around your very being.  What is happening to me, you ask?  Congratulations, you’ve just encountered your own inner anima/animus.  What is the composition of your particular anima/animus?  Ask yourself:  What does my ideal lover look like, sound like, what kind of job do they have, what type of style clothing do they wear, what does their energy feel like?  Continue reading →

 

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Dear Zanny:

I was wondering if there are any other mommies here that have lost a baby.  My daughter was born still on June 1st and I am slowly getting back into my normal routine.  I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar and how they handled the situation.  I have a son who is almost 18 months and I am trying to make his life seem like nothing happened but it is proving to be more difficult.  Any suggestions?

Dear Bereaved Mom:

First, let me say how very, very sorry I am for the death of your child.  Losing a child is the most difficult death to grieve.  Period.  The expectation of a baby’s arrival brings such joy - and then to have your beloved baby die is heart-wrenching.  That you daughter was stillborn you probably have many questions, and even less answers.  I bet the number one word you utter is, “Why?”  Continue reading →

“To know all, is to understand all.”  That’s a Zanny-ism.  A Zanny-ism is an original quote by me.  They may not be brilliant, but they will be practical and applicable to most people.  So, one thing I know for sure is: when you know all the pieces of information, everything else makes sense.  It all fits together.  As a Family Therapist, I see the dynamic over and over again.  Often what a client tells me doesn’t quite all fit together.  I sense something is missing - but even after repeated questioning, the client may sit across from me and shake their head in denial that they’ve provided every piece of information.  Now, the client may not always be aware or have conscious memory of certain events.  I am here to validate repressed memory in clients is very, very real.  The human capacity for such superior cognitive sophistication blows my mind away!  As a therapist, it’s a trip to witness.  Not every client intentionally withholds.  But some do for various motives and when the truth is eventually divulged, it’s an “ah-ha” moment for me.

How can you apply this knowledge?  When you try to figure someone or some situation out - but keep hitting a dead end - it’s almost always because you do not have all of the information.  Even when someone swears they are telling you everything.  Because, when you have all of the information, then the rest of the puzzle makes sense.  It finally all fits together in a very logical way.  When something does not add up, ask yourself what the mostly likely piece of the scenario could be missing.  Even if it it is unlikely and sounds far fetched - you’re probably close to the truth.      

 

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Marion from WI left a vm.  Marion was told by a trusted friend that another friend’s kid is involved in high risk behaviors.  What should she do?  If you want to listen to my podcast, click to the left of this screen and play.

Dear Marion:

1) Ask yourself what is your goal?  Once you define your goal, it shapes your course of action.

2) If your goal is to intervene on the kid’s behalf - you will probably disclose to the parent.

3) Before you tell the parents you should ask parent, “If I know something about one of your kids/family members that’s potentially dangerous to them, would you want to know?” Most parents say “yes.” 

4) Pick a time that the parent will have time to process information, e.g., they’re not on the way to work, or other commitment.

5) Remind the parent that you trust your source - and your goal is to intervene so the kid stops whatever high risk behavior/s they are doing.

6) You have to realize not all parents will be receptive to your information.  Your disclosure may cost you the friendship - is that OK?

7) After you disclose to the parent ask how you can help, for example, if it’s substance abuse you can easily get a 10-panel UDS (urine drug screen) that tests for 10 major drug categories.  Your family physician may have them, or you can order on-line.  They’re inexpensive, easy to use and accurate.

Lastly, sometimes doing the right thing is difficult.  I applaud you, Marion, for caring enough to think this through thoroughly.  Good Luck! 

My God  - the ecstasy and agony of love.  Have you ever been addicted to a lover?  How do you know?  Have you ever felt your knees shake, your heart race, tongue-tied, or faint at the sight of them?  Have you broken up and gotten back together - over and over again?  If you can answer “yes” to any of those… you’re an addict.  A former client of mine struggled ending a toxic 10-year marriage.  She and her husband had seperated numerous times and always ended up back in bed together, reuniting and then the cycle began again.   She eventually filed for divorce, and followed through, although the invisible pull towards him was powerful.  I could identify with her torn feelings and broken spirit.

I was addicted to someone once…  I’ll call him “John” - it was the only time in my life when I experienced ”love at first sight” - it was mutual.  We were together for several years.  Our affair was intensely passionate, terribly toxic and dysfunctional, and we were both miserable when we were apart.  Continue reading →

 

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Listener email:

Dear Zanny - I have listened since almost day one to the Divas and was so glad to hear you are doing this show… I value your advice!

My background is a Bachelor of Science in Family Relations and Child Development. I worked counseling parents of disabled or delayed children birth to three and coordinating special services for their children for almost 10 years. My ‘specialty’ was micro premature babies…

I have been with my husband since 10/2000 and we were married 5/02. He was a confirmed bachelor when we met – he is 10 years my senior (I am 33) and I had to threaten him I would break off our relationship if we did not get married – and he ‘caved in’ and we married the following May. I was hearing my ‘clock ticking’ since I wanted two children and I knew with his age he would want children sooner than later or we’d miss that window. I know now I should have left him and found another – but I did not. I was burned in my first marriage by a cheating man and divorced him prior to graduating college. I dated a high school sweetheart almost a year and he did pretty much the same thing. I found my husband through a dating service (this is before Match.com and such!) and liked him since he was OPPOSITE my other ‘men’ I had dated/married. He was a civil engineer, quiet, did not like to socialize. I know I did this out of fear of a cheating man. But I did it any way. Continue reading →

I watched him get out of a new pick-up truck.  He wore a black Harley-Davidson t-shirt and blue jeans with scuffed brown leather boots with rounded toes.  His slicked-backed silver hair matched the several ounces of sterling jewelry that adorned his beefy frame.  His face, from what I could see of it, under the gray sunglasses, looked younger than his hair suggested.  He walked towards me, unsmiling.  I was fighting to lift a filled cooler of ice and beer into the back of my Jeep Wrangler.  I purchased cold drinks for my brother and his fiance who were in the middle of do-it-yourself-move into their new home.  The thermometer read 90 and the humidity made my curly hair exponentially expand.  It was a typical Georgia summer day.  Warm sweat trickled down my spine.  Maybe my all white athletic shorts and fitted t-shirt wasn’t the best choice - I felt like a wilted flower.  He walked closer.  

Continue reading →

 

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Listener wrote: 

Dear Zanny,
My husband attended a party the other night with some friends that are much younger than he is. - I have never met these people.. They next morning I had to use his cell phone because our home phone’s battery died, and found a picture of 2 girls making out.. I was furious.. He did not understand why i was so upset.. Did i overreact? was this really no big deal????

Thanks!

Dear Furious:

You’re entitled to feel however you do.  You don’t need my permission, or anyone else’s to validate your feelings.  The assumption is your husband took these photos, right?  Well, what are the expectations in your marriage?  What are the general rules and boundaries?  Remember, everything and every relationship is negotiable. 

 Suggestions:

1) Tell you husband you need to talk with him about his and ask him when a good time would be - let him name the time.  Never is not an option.

2) Calmly tell you husband why you find these photos upsetting.  Use the “I feel ________, when you _____________, and what I need from you is ___________________” strategy to help him avoid becoming defensive, then you both emotionally escalate which results in a dead end.  Stay calm.

3) Emphasize that marriage is a team and this type of behavior does not positively contribute to the success of your team.  Re-evaluate, together, what expectations you both have in this relationship.  This sounds obvious, but we get stuck in a rut and forget to renegotiate the rules and name the ‘deal breakers.’

4) If your spouse continues to engage in behaviors that are incongruent with your mutually agreed upon standards - get a good Therapist. 

Lastly, even if he is unwilling to attend couples counseling, go by yourself to get the support and validation you need.  Your husband’s behavior may be a one-time no-big-deal event, or it could be the first red flag that your marriage has some issues.  If you begin counseling, your spouse will know you’re serious, and many times the resistant partner will eventually begin to participate.  Either way, a skilled therapist can help give your relationship a tune-up and get back on track.

Thanks for sharing your story.  Good luck!  

 

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Listener email: 

 ”Dear Zanny,
Lately I feel like I am going insane. I live in one of the best cities in the world (New York), however, I am not happy here.

I have a husband who loves me, but we don’t always get along as well as we should. I seem to let his little quirks irritate me. I let it show, and we end up fighting over it. Yet, we go on vacation every year to some place nice, take a couple long weekends per year ( again to some place nice), eat at the best restaurants, see Broadway shows and still I feel like I was happier when I was single living alone in a smaller city. He blames me for us not having friends, yet, we knew no one upon moving here 4 years ago, and meeting other couples is hard, in my opinion. I am not a big socializer, don’t really enjoy meeting new people but I am open to it.

I also despise my job. It is a small office and I avoid my co workers like the plague. It is cliquey, and full of two faced people who talk about you behind your back. It is a lost cause, because of my horrible attitude and complete utter disregard for my peers and management, I feel like I will be fired before I am able to get a new job. I think they keep me because I come to work every day, and am cross trained on all the different functions we do. I get paid fairly well, have benefits, and a decent 401k.

I know most people would love to be in my shoes, but really, I’ve been much happier on the past. I feel like I owe it to my husband to stick this out. If I were to leave I’d be starting from zero and he would be devastated. Thoughts?

Thanks Zanny, enjoy your show.

Signed,
Spoiled little brat in NYC

Sent from my iPod”

Dear Spoiled little brat in NYC:

You don’t sound spoiled to me…  you do sound depressed.  Generally speaking, when someone presents with a similar situation, one of the first question a therapist would ask is:  Do these symptoms result from a situational event, or an underlying medical condition?  A good clinician always rules out medical possibilities because the best therapy in the world won’t cure an underlying medical condition.  Continue reading →