Entries from September 2008 ↓

By:  Suzanne Maiden 

Grief knows no time frame.  Grief takes no prisoners - grief has it’s way with you and then tramples what is left.  Autumn is a bitter-sweet time of year for me.  I love the change in weather, I adore the vivid, vibrant colors and last expression of life before winter claims her last breath.  The juxtaposition of mother earth’s last hallelujah followed by winter’s death feels uncannily symbolic. 

My brother, Rob McMillin, was killed in a commercial airline crash 14 years ago on Halloween Day.  Fourteen years.  How can my heart still hurt?  I have three brothers and am the third born and only girl.  I grew up with an abundance of testosterone running a muck in our home.  I am very comfortable with male energy and having older brothers boss me around.  As children, Rob especially loved to reign authority over me.  In retaliation, I provoked him until he hit me, and when our father returned home - ohhh, did Rob ever suffer.  Then the cycle started all over again.  Our poor mother.  

We were never emotionally close, in fact, we were opposite in many ways.  Rob graduated as a Mechanical Engineer from Carnegie Mellon University and later earned an MBA.  He was black and white, cut and dry.  As a psychotherapist I see a gazillion shades of gray.  My more liberal stance drove Rob crazy, and his narrow view pushed every last emotional button in me.  One of our last big arguments was over abortion rights.  My pro-choice position infuriated him.   

Why then, can grief still grab me with such a ferocity?  Because we often grieve for what was not in the relationship.  When a relationship is conflicted and then one person dies, grief almost always becomes complicated.  ‘Complicated Grief’ is a clinical term.  Complicated grief results from several possible contributing variables such as:  sudden death, loss of a child (even an adult child), or a conflicted relationship.  For example, when a loved one died because of their high risk behavior/s, such as substance abuse, casual sex, or recklessness in any other way - the griever is left with a mountain of mixed emotions.  If the griever had a combination of all the above, e.g., a child who engaged in high risk behaviors - which typically created conflict in the relationship - the griever will have a tremendously difficult time navigating through the rough terrain. 

I have facilitated grief support groups for several years, have been a paid presenter to various groups and colleges and am published on this topic.  What I know is this:  Time is never an accurate measurement of where someone is in their grief progress.  Time alone does not heal grief.  Grief must be consciously processed.  Even after emotionally working the problem, grief will periodically make an unannounced visit.  Typically anniversary dates such as the loved one’s birthday, date of death, or family gatherings - even happy gatherings may trigger an emotional avalanche of  intense sadness.  If you or someone you know experiences acute sadness many years later, be gentle with them.  Validate their feelings and reassure them that their current feelings are a predictable and normal response.  

Lastly, if I could recommend only one book to a griever it would be Therese Rando, Ph.D., How To Go On Living When  Someone You Love Dies.  Click below on the direct link to Amazon for purchase.  Rando is world renowned for her clinical research on bereavement.  This book is the best, most succinct I have ever read on the subject.  When JFK Jr.’s plane crashed several years ago the Kennedy family hired Rando to provide support.  If you have questions or comments please call me at 678-884-0524. 

 

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I received a vm from ‘cheating wife’ asking for guidance.  She stated she has been with her husband since she was aged 16.  They have been together for 9 years.  Caller stated she, “…constantly seeks attention from men” and last year she actually had sexual intercourse with a man which resulted in two treatable sexually transmitted diseases.  Caller noted “…I’m an intelligent woman… but I just cannot forgive myself… and I don’t know where my mind’s at…”

Zanny’s Thoughts:

1. Cheating is an emotional decision - not a logical one:  Most people cheat on a partner because something in their relationship is missing.  That does not mean that the innocent partner is defective or at fault.  It just means the cheating partner is seeking something that feels missing in their current relationship, or within themselves.

2. When someone is constantly seeking approval from the opposite sex:  Generally speaking, it is because that is their place of emotional wounding.  Typically the wounding is from their opposite gendered parent.  In other words, sometimes women with emotionally detached, inattentive, or disapproving fathers will attempt to work out their father complex by seeking out approval from every male possible.  The attention-seeking behavior is compensatory for the father’s emotional detachment.

3.  Spouse’s Sexuality:  You mentioned the possibility that your husband is gay…  this knowledge could certainly impact your self-esteem as a woman.  How are you together sexually?  Do you have good chemistry, are you physically compatible?  How do you feel about his [alleged] bi/homo-sexuality?

4. Husband blames himself:  Why?  Is your husband conflicted about his sexuality and feels guilty for his possible bi-sexual feelings, so he forgives you over and over again?  He would benefit from therapy too. 

5. Tried therapy - but therapist justified your behavior:  It is never a therapist’s job to shame a client.  If s/he did, I would recommend you RUN.  Why?  Because that would indicate that their own moral judgment is sneaking into the therapeutic session - that is always an unwelcome, unwanted guest.  A therapist’s judgment is counter-productive for the client.    

6. Where are you going wrong?  You’re looking for external validation instead of finding it internally.  No one can ever ‘complete us’ or endlessly fill us up.  It’s not our lover’s job.  It’s our own work to do.  For emotional stability and happiness, we must look inward.  Each of us is responsible for our own emotional health - and as long as we seek external validation we will be riding an emotional roller coaster with someone else in the drivers seat.    

7. Two treatable STD’s:  What a gift.  Yes, a real wake-up call for you.  If you’ve been unfaithful since you’ve been together - this is a chronic situation.  When cheating on a partner is chronic it suggests so much more is going on on so many levels.

8. What to do now?  Go back to that SAME therapist.  She sounds like she knows what she’s talking about.  Sorry, I know that’s not what you want to hear.  But, she sounds right on.  Tell her you were disappointed, upset, and maybe even angry when she “justified” your cheating.  Process it with her.  If you still don’t like her, for some other reason then ask her to refer you to someone else.  She sounds competent.  Again, it is not her job to shame you!

Lastly, what will it take for you to forgive yourself?  How long will you hold yourself with such contempt and self-loathing?  Your behavior results from the only way you know how, at this point, to get some deep need met.  This doesn’t make you a bad person.  You’re doing the best you know how to do; but in an unhealthy and potentially life-threatening way.  When you understand your underlying motivation - your behavior will make perfect sense.  Then, you can break the dysfunctional cycle.  You can heal.  I forgive you, can you?

By:  Suzanne Maiden

Who knew that he would - or even could - be in a position to help me later?  I certainly had no idea.  I pulled up to valet parking and greeted the attendant with a smile.  I’d seen him several times before.  Months ago, after seeing him several times and chatting, I brought him a bottle of good wine with condiments.  He seemed genuinely grateful.  I forgot all about it until today.

Today, I drove to Emory Hospital for some routine tests.  Hurricane Ike’s destruction left those of us in Atlanta a little short on gasoline.  Some say if other’s wouldn’t panic, there would be enough for everyone. While others speculate that we don’t have fuel because the refineries actually cannot get it out due to power outages.  Regardless of why there was a shortage - I still needed to find some.  I knew I had enough gas to get to Emory, but the return trip would be dicey if I didn’t find a gas station that actually had fuel.  I would have to drive conservatively - not typically my style.  Every station I passed was desserted and had plastic shopping bags over the handle to indicate “No Gas.” 

I trusted that somehow, I would get what I needed.  Like deja vu, once again, I pulled up to valet park and the same attendant eagerly walked over to me, opened my door and offered assistance.  I asked him if he knew of any gas stations that actually had fuel.  He shook his head, then thought of one place that may still have some fuel.  I asked him if he would take my jeep and fill it up.  I placed $50. in his hand, and told him I’d settle with him later.  He personally took my vehicle and found fuel.  I was so grateful that when I hopped in my jeep on the return trip home, my gas tank was on full.

I had no idea when I gifted him with something minor, he would return the favor when I really needed it.  I don’t engage in random acts of kindness because I think that person will owe me something, or for any other personal gain.  It reinforces my premise that being kind to every person we meet, regardless of their station in life, is the right thing to do.  I try to engage in one random act of kindness per day.           

I believe in random acts of kindness to strangers.  I believe in ‘paying it forward’ and reaching out to others.  I believe good always, eventually, triumphs over evil.  I believe people are innately good.  Maybe I’m naive - but I prefer it that way.  Doing random acts of kindness to others has a boomerang effect.  The boomerang seldom returns to the one who initiated the throw, but to another and then another and in this way we help raise planetary consciousness. 

By:  Suzanne Maiden

What is your therapist really thinking during the therapeutic hour?  A lot.  I can only speak for myself and what thoughts run a marathon through my head.  So fasten your seat belt, here we go.

First, I assess the obvious physical/emotional presentation of my client.  For example, are they within normal limits of height and weight, are they appropriately dressed for the weather and situation, do they have any uncontrolled tics, does their body posture match what they verbalize?  Do they fidget, are they tangential in their speech, are they emotionally labile (crying one moment then hysterically laughing the next), and how comfortable are they in their own skin and in my office?  Of course, I always must assess for signs of substance abuse and suicidal/homicidal ideation.

Second, I intently track their words.  What my client is not saying is often so much more meaningful than what words pass their lips.  I look for incongruent body posture with their words.  What does that look like from where I sit?  Well, when a client cannot hold my gaze, or they clench their jaw, or uncontrollably shake their foot back and forth, something is amiss.   I do not play games as a therapist.  I never intentionally trap or trick my client.  When I observe incongruent posturing, I name it.  I share with them my observation and plainly ask “What’s up….? I notice you say thus and such, but your body language suggests something else.”  Oftentimes, they will smile, and admit that indeed something else is emotionally at work with them.

Third, I assess their defenses - that is, how do they protect themselves from painful stimuli and events?  Some clients take a very aggressive stance and are trigger ready to fight, some emotionally withdraw and retreat, and some (but not most or they wouldn’t be sitting in my office) attempt to resolve conflict with an even keeled approach.

Fourth, if other family members are present (as a Family Therapist, this is often the case) I need to simultaneously track each person.  And, I need to assess what inter-family dynamics exist between each member.  It’s very exciting,  but draining as a therapist.  It’s like watching several toddlers in a big swimming pool and making sure none drown.

Fifth, as a therapist, I grow to love my clients.  I mean I really, really, love my clients with such a tenderness I get chills thinking about it.  No matter how kooky (that should be a clinical term), no matter how warped, no matter how ill they may be - I love them.  I realize their inner turmoil and current level of functioning is a direct result of their woundedness.  As C.G. Jung asked, “How is the symptom serving the soul?”  He meant how are people’s neurosis their method of ‘fixing’ what’s broken.  It may appear dysfuntional by others’ standards, but to know all is to understand all.  It all makes sense if you discard logic.

I get the honor of sitting with them as they process their deepest woundings.  I get the privilege of hearing their deepest secrets.  I am often the first person with whom they share their most inner world.  How could I not be touched by that?

The phrase that speaks to this so well, is Carl Rogers’ concept of ‘Unconditional Positive Regard’ for the client.  I resonate with the Rogerian approach.  I see my clients psychological warts and wrinkles, and they are still beautiful to me.  This is what I think as a therapist.  This is my therapeutic stance.  Because no matter how brilliant my interpretations and predictions are, if my client does not experience a therapeutic lovingness from me, they will not permanently heal to their fullest capacity.

We’re all whores.  We prostitute ourselves everyday.  Yes, this vulgar reality hits hard.  We compromise on what we want, what we need, and what we believe in.  We (most often unconsciously) prostitute ourselves emotionally.  We sacrifice our emotional well being as a trade off for some other outcome.  Usually the other outcome is the fulfillment of another’s ideas for us and oftentimes money is involved.

What does this look like?  It may look like us compromising our very soul for something too over-priced.  The market, e.g. our psyche, cannot bear the inflated cost.  Eventually, our pimp demands payment in full - usually with a very hefty rate.  The result ends up compromising our emotional well-being.  

I knew a young man who desperately wanted to become a doctor - he fantasized about becoming a surgeon.  He watched every surgery show on TV.  This young man was academically gifted and indeed met the criteria for genius I.Q.  The young man’s father vehemently opposed his son’s choice.  Why?  Because the son’s desire to practice medicine was incongruent with his father’s religious beliefs.  The young man became something else.  He became a depressed business man - albeit successful - but emotionally unfulfilled.  The young man died many years later in a tragic crash while on a business trip.  Fate? Accident?  Would it have happened anyway?  Who knows.  It did happen and that young man is dead.  He sacrificed his inner longing for someone else’s idea of what path he should pursue.

I’ve witnessed others emotionally prostitute themselves for financial security.  I know couples who stay in unhealthy relationships for fiscal stability.  Oh, yes, the immediate assurance of financial security is comforting - but our pimp will come prancing with a collection plate in hand.  And, one may state, “But, my income would be significantly reduced!  I cannot compromise my standard of living!”  You’ve just prostituted your emotional well being - and the price may actually cost you addtional fees to include your physical health and even your very sanity. 

Live your life.  Live honoring yourself and your needs.  Be mindful of emotionally prostituting yourself for another’s wants or monetary security.  I do not suggest we each embark on hedonistic paths of selfish pursuits.  I suggest we each become increasingly conscious of what possible pitfalls we could become caught as a result of emotionally prostituting our own inner desires.  Be mindful of selling yourself.  Ponder on this.    

By: Suzanne Maiden 

Our dreams provide us with profound information - pregnant with meaning, dreams illuminate our emotional health.  Dream data suggest what needs psychological excavation, examination, and healing.  When a client needs access to difficult material they consciously resist dredging up, we explore their dreams.   

As Hall (1984) said, “The dream is to the psyche as an x-ray is to the body.”  Oftentimes, new clients minimize and poo-poo the notion that their dreams have meaning.  Usually, it only takes one time for us to explore a “big” dream - and they’re hooked.  Some clients sit and cry after processing a dream, because the dream so accurately portrays their inner world which they are just beginning to explore.  Clients e-mail me, leave voice-mails, and stop me in public excitedly describing a dream they need help dissecting.  Jung said, “Dreams are, after all, compensation for the conscious attitude.”  What we have difficulty consciously owning, the dream clarifies.

I am grateful I trained with notably the best dream analyst in the country.  For 7 years, Barry Williams, has been my own dream analyst.  In the world of psychoanalysis, Depth psychology, and Jungian concepts - Barry is considered the Godfather of dream interpretation - and one of the last greats of this work.  He is a direct disciple of C.G. Jung.  People travel from around the world to work with him.  Because I learned from the master, I feel free to speak with some authority regarding dream interpretation.

What do your dreams mean?  Dreams speak symbolically.  Dreams speak metaphorically.  Dreams carry archetypal energy and schema’s - archetypes are ancient world wide patterns that may be seen in every culture.  For example, some classic archetypal themes include: the ‘wise old woman/man’, the ‘virgin’, the ‘healer’, the ‘warrior’ or the ‘teacher’.  Jung said that dreams perform a self-regulatory function, and are imperative for personal growth and survival.   Because dreams speak symbolically, the symbols are unique to the dreamer - except when larger archetypal motifs dominate.  This is why dream interpretation books with standard answers do not work.  For example, when the dreamer dreams about a snake - it does not automatically mean a penis, unless you’re a strict follower of Freud.  Although, the snake could represent the proverbial penis if the dreamer has this association.  However, it is unlikely. 

Where to begin interpreting your dream?  Keep a dream journal by your bed.  Many dreams are forgotten on the way to the bathroom!  The following is a quick way to interpret you dream.  It is difficult to interpret a dream by yourself (and C.G. Jung declared it nearly impossible to interpret a dream’s meaning by oneself) but this do-it-yourself technique is a good beginning.

1) Write down every detail of the dream; people, colors, smells, location, and feeling-tone.

2) Highlight the most significant parts.

3) Begin a column and re-write the most significant part as a header.  Underneath that header, free-associate.  Write down every association to that one significant piece.  Do this for each significant piece.  

4) Narrow down the associations - which really resonate with you?  Which associations carry big energy?  This creates a picture, or story, you can begin to piece together an overall theme.  What are you left with after this point? 

Two key points:  First, this essay is not applicable to Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder dream recall/flashbacks, or psychic-prophetic dreams.  Second, anyone you dream about is almost always YOU.  For example, if I dream about Sarah Palin, the dream is only using her persona to identify the part of me that is Sarah Palin-ish - whatever she means to me.  However I describe Sarah Palin, is a projection.  A projection is a part of me that I cannot own or consciously carry, so I project onto another.  Whether I love or loathe her, if she shows up in my dream, it still represents the part of me that I love or loath.   

Lastly, “It would be an extraordinary waste of nature’s time if dreams did not contribute in some vitally important way to our survival” (Stevens, 1994).  Honor your dreams and their message.  Dreams can be literally life-saving - they were and continue to be for me…               

By: Suzanne Maiden

As a psychotherapist, I see many young people struggle with their sexual orientation. Many confide feelings of both bi-sexuality or straight homosexuality. And, the sacred space in which they divulge their secret is the first they have verbalized their inner truth. I have the privilege of being the first person with whom they share their most inner struggle ~ their sexual orientation.

The realization that one is attracted to the same gender throws many into a tailspin. How will their families respond? What will their friends say or do? Who will accept them and their sexuality, and who will ultimately be so uncomfortable with their disclosure, that they will be rejected?

The intensity of such feelings are no different than straight sexual attraction. Recently, I had a client who stated, “But, when it’s my first time, I won’t know how to do it.” Why would ‘doing it’ with a same sex partner be any different than with the opposite gender? OK, so the physical equipment is the same. I get it. But, what a potential benefit – experimenting with what you know! When sexual feelings are aroused, most people don’t need an instruction manual, it just happens. The body responds.

If the reader is waiting for me to make some professional value judgment on another’s sexuality, I won’t. It is not my place to assess whether another’s love is right or wrong, good or bad, sacred or sin. Physical attraction is like an alter personality that resides within us. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. Oftentimes an attraction to another violates one’s mental checklist. One can be attracted to another and it makes no logical sense. So it is with same sex love. Many clients who struggle with their sexual orientation state that they would not consciously choose this path. They report ego-dissonance, that is, they feel acute emotional turmoil and bewilderment. They experience anxiety with their bi-sexual or homosexual feelings which they know violate societal norms. They are scared.

Physical attraction is elusive. Physical attraction grabs you by the throat and demands your attention. It follows no script, no rules, no predetermined notion. Same sex attraction and love is no different than heterosexual love. Let tolerance prevail.

 

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Dear Zanny,Hi, this is Annie from California. I have a very abusive relationship with my father. We usually don’t see middle ground on many things, but the worst thing is that whenever I disagree and provoke his temper, he explodes and abuses me either verbally and/or physically. My dad has called me hopeless, futile, pathetic, fat, dumb and numerous other put downs that I consider unacceptable for a father to say to his daughter. He’s kicked, slapped, and even spit on me on occasions.After a huge blowout, my father would come back to his rational senses and try to apologize, telling me how much he loves me. As a daughter, I forgave him time after time.

However, this last time, I’ve decided I had enough. I’ve been abused way too much to let this happen to me again. I now hardly speak to my dad, and try to avoid being in the same room with him at all times.

Since I am a college student, it is impossible for me to loose all ties with my father, since he is financially responsible for my tuition and my lifestyle.  My mom has a hard time with all of this, but she often sides with my father asking if I can forgive my dad again because she hates to see the family so broken up. I love my mom, but I can’t let myself be so vulnerable and abused again. What should I do? I’ve talked to friends and a counselor about this, but nothing has changed. Please help me!
Thanks Zanny.

-Annie

Resonse:

1) Your father is an abusive bully who has anger management issues which result in poor impulse control

2) I’m so glad to hear you say that his behavior is unacceptable – that is a healthy response

3) Most children repeatedly will forgive parental abuse, that’s normal because children always want their parents’ approval

4) I am going to challenge you on your thinking. It is NOT impossible for you to cut ties due to his financial help. It’s more difficult to do-it-yourself, and thousands of college students do it every year. Financial aid is available. Go to your college’s financial aide department and begin to explore your options.

5) Regarding your mom:  It is her choice to stay with your father, she is an adult and responsible for her own choices.  I wonder what she gets from staying? People continue in behavioral patterns in which there is a payoff – what’s hers?

6) YOU are NOT breaking up the family if you do not allow your father to hit, slap, or spit on you.  Hold your boundaries. This is a classic blame-the-victim stance.  It’s your father’s abuse and your mother’s condoning it, that will impact the family – NOT YOU.

7) You are the emotionally healthy one in this scenario.  I applaud you for your emotional fortitude to recognize the kookiness of this situation.

Considerations:

1) Decide right now that you will never tolerate either verbal or physical abuse from your father again. Period.

2) Call your parents and tell them, very firmly, that until they can ensure/guarantee your physical safety, you cannot be around them. Do this via phone so your father is not within physical proximity to you.

3) Tell your mother that her stance in protecting your father is also not acceptable to you. She certainly has the prerogative to side with him – but you do not. Say something like: “Mom, I don’t understand why you put the burden on me of keeping the family together. You know dad is both verbally and physically abusive. I will no longer tolerate his behavior. If he ever hits me again, I will call the police and file charges. For my own mental and physical welfare, I cannot be around him unless he can guarantee my safety.”

4) Regarding your father’s financial support. If he attempts to use financial control by threatening to stop assistance you may say something like: “Dad, that’s your choice to use your money however you want. I will be disappointed if you discontinue helping me with my college endeavors. However, I will not continue to put myself at risk – emotionally or physically – to ensure financial aid.”

5) Annie, you have the right to protect yourself. Your email suggests you already know this, you just need validation; so here it is: STOP! Do not allow your father to verbally or physically abuse you. He needs help. He has huge impulse control and anger issues. You’re an adult now and safe. You do not have to tolerate him or anyone ever hurting you again.

Good luck!