Entries from October 2008 ↓

Would you like to win this bracelet?

You can win this bracelet for free thanks to our new sponsor ICE.com. To win this, go to ICE.com, pick out your favorite item, and then email diva@thedivacast.com saying what your favorite item is. We will add your name for a drawing to win the bracelet above. We will announce the first winner at the end of November and the second winner at the end of December.

When you purchase from ICE.com, use the checkout code of “ACUTE” to get 20% off the purchase price and free shipping until the December 20, 2008.

A chance to win a tennis bracelet, 20% off, and free shipping until the 20th… We are very happy with our new sponsor - ICE.com

 

 Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

 

 Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

By: Suzanne Maiden

I actually ended up recording TWO shows today.  Because you expressed such positive energy around this topic - I had to record an addendum to the ‘Random Acts of Kindness:  Part 2′  WOW!  Your response blows me away.  Thank you so much for taking time to leave voice-mails. 

I avoided this topic for a long time. This topic feels so personal and deeply private that I would rather disclose other intimate pieces of myself instead of my RAK’s ~ Random Acts of Kindness.  I’m not clear why I feel so protective about this part of my life, but I do.  What is a RAK?  A RAK is Acting Kindly in a Random way.  More specifically, I define a RAK as:  To spontaneously engage in a selfless act for another without thought of benefit or reward or praise to self.

On my other podcast, TheDivaCast (http://www.TheDivaCast.com), I casually mentioned a recent RAK – and the response was resoundingly favorable. TheDivaCast received emails and voice-mails from listeners who said they were encouraged and inspired to initiate their own RAKs. Listeners expressed so much enthusiasm about ‘passing it on’ that one listener (click in left box listen) challenges all listeners to participate in RAK however possible.  Because of the overwhelmingly positive response from listeners, I feel compelled to say more regarding acting randomly with kindness.  Here we go.

Many RAK do not involve money.  Some RAK may be as small as holding a door open for someone, helping an elderly person load groceries in their car; or not erupting with anger when another driver cuts you off or does something stupid and annoying - respond with a forgiving wave and smile instead.  Can you imagine how different the roadways would be? 

Other RAK that cost something could include: taking a homeless person for a meal, offering workers a cold beverage, bathroom break, or sandwich, pay for the person behind you in a fast food line, or toll booth.  Or, if you see someone using food stamps in the grocery store line, have the cashier add it to your bill, or purchase someone’s prescription drugs.  A slightly bigger act is to pay for a (young, or in need) family’s dinner at a restaurant and escape before they know.  Several holidays ago, I stood in line and chatted with a newly immigrated Russian woman.  She held a single holiday sweater for herself - her first holiday in this country.  I purchased it for her and said, “Welcome to America.”  This smalll gesture surely didn’t change the world.  But, maybe, just maybe, she will remember that moment and it will sustain her belief in human kindness. 

Another memorable moment for me, is when I literally gave the sweater off myself to a fellow cancer patient.  We both sat and waited for the radiation machine to zap us.  This beautiful young girl, Carmen, was terribly thin, and so chilled.  She admired my sweater.  I took my sweater off and gave it to her.  The following week, I walked in with a gift bag filled with new, hip, age-appropriate sweaters for her.  She was delighted.  The technicians told me she waited for my arrival everyday.  Carmen died shortly after.  Who received the greater gift?  Of course, it was I.

I give money any time someone in need crosses my path.  It may be my last $20 - it’s not much; or more if I have it.  Again, is this a big deal when I can go to the bank and get more?  No.  But, I like to think that the act itself perpetuates positive feelings and maybe shifts another’s attitude. 

If we just look around, need is everywhere.  The idea is to note another’s need and ask yourself, “How can I be of service right now?”  Ideally, and when possible, I prefer to do RAK’s anonymously.  I don’t hang around for expressions of gratitude.  Any public acknowledgement makes me squirm with discomfort and triggers my shyness. 

My personal goal is to engage in 1 RAK/day.  If I miss a day, I may do something bigger or multiple acts the following.  I reiterate, it’s difficult for me to publicly share this piece of myself.  I don’t seek affirmation.  I do what I do because it is my deepest, highest truth.  My efforts are small.  I know I’m not some great philanthropist making extraordinary contributions.  I think of myself as a spiritual being having a human experience and just doing the best I can each day.  I offer my very private RAK concept as one way to simply, selflessly perpetuate global goodwill.

How do you feel about RAK?  Do you do RAK?  Would you be willing to challenge yourself into engaging in One RAK/day for 1 week?  Call me and share your thoughts: 678-884-0524 

By:  Suzanne Maiden

I have a confession:  When I hate my hair - I hate my life.  It’s embarrassingly shallow, I know.  And I may as well be walking around naked for all to assess my body – because psychologically that’s how I feel.  But, it’s my truth - exposed.  And, I don’t think I am alone.  I wonder how much money is spent on hair care each year in this country?  I’m not the only one either.

Europeans are just as vain and even more expressive.  I’m certain.  That is, Europeans adapt a chameleon’s attitude.  They don’t mind going to extreme colors or styles to adapt to their environment or be a wild spark of color amongst it.  It’s the psychology of hair.  What is it about the abundance, or lack of… the texture, the color, and the style of dead cells that spurt from our scalp each month that governs our emotional well-being?  Who knows?  It certainly could meet the diagnostic criteria for neurosis.  I admit, I have a long-term difficult relationship with my unruly curls.   Because they insist on expressing themselves contrary to my wishes. 

How can something as benign as hair impact my attitude?  It’s ridiculous.  It’s shallow.  It’s narcissistic.  My thoughts must be no deeper than a puddle after a Georgia summer rain during the drought.  However, the Bible makes numerous references to hair - thank goodness - I can blame it all on God.  What’s the first story one thinks of?  Yes, Samson and Delilah.  Samson’s hair equated to his physical strength.  When Delilah, in an act of betrayal, had Samson’s hair cut off while he was sleeping - his extraordinary strength vanished.  This story brought increased consciousness to our hair.  Hair care was born!

Our language supports our over identification with hair.  Clichés like, “Her hair is her crowning glory.”  Interestingly, hair does surround the crown chakra, well, if one believes in such things.  No matter, when I have a ’bad hair day’ everything else seems to follow suit.  When my frizz factor pegs the Richter scale - even with products - my attitude escalates too.  For some reason, people seem to especially enjoy critiquing my mane.  I wear my hair naturally curly.  I’ve given up trying to flat iron my curls - it only last for a few hours anyway and it is very damaging. Occasionally, I get reinforcement for sustaining my natural state.  One woman chased me down in a parking lot to inquire who cuts my hair, how is it cut, and what products do I use because she “loved it.”  I do receive many compliments.  People act bi-polar when expressing their opinion about my hair.  They either love it or hate it. 

Conversely, others seem to dismiss their societal manners and feel free to comment on my hair’s unruly appearance. Just this week, an older man spoke to me at the gym.   I saw him looking at me, then he finally approached and said, “Wow, I just can’t quit looking at your hair - it’s uh, really wild.”  I smiled and responded, “Well, is that good or bad?”  He wasn’t sure.  He back peddled and with a smile said, ”Uh, I don’t know you well enough to asses that yet.”  Huh?

I know I’m not alone.  Please tell me I am not.  OK, OK, Okay!  I have evidence that I’m not.  Enter any ladies room (well, if you’re male, I don’t recommend this…) and you will witness women lined up in front of the mirrors.  What do they primp the most?  Their hair.  Yep.  I’ve seen my girlfriends carry HUGE (could be listed as a deadly weapon!) bottles of hair spray, clips, waxes, and serums all to coax, fuss and fret over every strand.  I don’t carry all this stuff, but I get caught up in snagging some of their products as long as they have them out and available. Call me with your hair care issues at at 678-884-0524.  Tell me I’m not alone… I need some support.  Because, when I hate my hair, I hate my life!  Do you ever feel this way?  Does the appearance of your hair influence, positively, or negatively your attitude?  Call me.   

DearZanny, Manic Mommies and Words-To-Mouth will set sail to the Bahamas Nov 7-10 on Carnival’s Imagination.  Manic Mommies successful Internet talk show is hosting this excursion for mommies to escape and rejuvenate.  Manic Mommies podcast is hosted by two Massachusetts working moms ~ Kristin and Erin.  Manic Mommies are real, relevant, and really funny.  Manic Mommies validate and affirm every mom’s day-to-day challenges.  Their huge fan base of loyal listeners will have a rip-roaring fun time.  This ‘Manic Mommies’ getaway is sold out! 

Zanny (that would be me) will present on ‘Intimacy, Sex, and Communications in Your Relationship’ on one day, facilitate a dream workshop the following (bring me your dreams!) with a final ‘Ask Zanny ANYTHING’ open mic Q&A on Sunday evening.  While Carrie  creator of Words-To-Mouth podcast, “Where readers meet authors beyond the printed page…” will host a discussion about various authors and their books.  And, as usual - Carrie will do free book give aways!  Both Carrie and Zanny also co-create TheDivaCast.

This Manic Mommies Getaway on Carnival Cruise is sponsored by: Sara Lee, Saturn, Land’s End, and Quinny. 

By: Suzanne Maiden

Hey Everybody:

I would so appreciate your suggestions.  I am putting together a media kit for potential sponsors - and I need your help.  If you have a particular DearZanny show that you think is good, or even a part of a show - will you please let me know which show and where specifically?  Or, if there is a show you think really stinks, I’m open to hearing that too. 

The DearZanny show has not been officially launched yet, and inspite of no promotional work, I am grateful to see some nice statistics and a steadily growing audience.  I know you’re out there! : )  The ‘Verbal Abuse’ epdisode had over 4,300 hits - impressive for a new podcast.  I really appreciate your efforts, feedback, interactions and support.

Please leave me a vm @ 678-884-0524, or comment on the box below, or just email me: Zanny@DearZanny.com     

By:  Suzanne Maiden

So you think you know what you are, right?  Hmn, not so fast…  People often and erroneously categorize themselves or someone else as either introverted or extroverted.  Swiss psychiatrist, C.G. Jung identified these two dominant personality types, introverted or extroverted.  How do you determine your personality type?  Well, it may not be as obvious as you think.  Introverted and extroverted personality types are NOT based on overt behavior.  That’s a surprise, right?  A tell-tale question is to ask yourself:  Where do I get my emotional energy from? 

Introverted individuals are stimulated by their inner world, they enjoy spending time in their private arena of thoughts; their psychic energy resides internally.  Conversely, extroverted types focus on external events and they feel re-energized by people and crowds.

Most of my friends and colleagues mistakenly peg me as extroverted.  I smile easily and can speak to anyone without difficulty.  But, in actuality, I am a true introvert.  I love my own inner world and private thoughts.  I adore my alone time.  Parties are fun, and I enjoy being with family and friends - briefly.  But, when I need to restore my psychic energy, I go inward.  I listen to music, write, play the piano, walk, and meditate - all solo.  I crave time away from others.  I often prefer my own company.  Arrogant?  Nope, it’s my introverted nature.  If I over-schedule my social life, both my family and I pay a hefty price because I become irritable.  All introverts will resonate with me. 

For you extroverts, you get emotionally recharged by being with others.  You get energized by a crowd.  Why should you care about this?  Because when you understand you and or your loved one’s dominant personality type - their behavior will make sense.  You will understand their resistance or insistence on being social or withdrawn.

If you want to identify your personality type go to http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp   (**This is a correction to previous post - reader brought to my attention other address was incorrect.) This 72 ‘yes’ or ‘no’ questionnaire is known as the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI).  This free, 5 minute quiz, will provide you with your overall personality typology.  The MBTI not only determines your overall introverted or extroverted type - but the four auxiliary functions which include thinking, feeling, intuition, and sensation.  This quick test will illuminate how you and/or your loved one psychologically exist in the world.  I’m an INFP (Introverted Intuitive Feeling Perceiving) - call me at 678-884-0524 and tell me what you are and if you’re surprised.  It’s fun, it’s quick, and you may learn something about yourself.

*corrected website

 

 Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

A listener named Becky left a vm.  Becky stated she has been married for 15 months, she is 33 years old, and her husband is aged 43 years.  Becky ”snooped” on her husband’s computer and found some “shocking” sites he recently visited.  Becky is uncomfortable with her husband’s on-line looking at other women.  She said the women are fully clothed and nothing smacks of  porn or gay/homosexuality.  She read some forum exchanges and concluded her husband may just be seeking validation that his attraction to some different women is normal.  Becky does not know if she should “trust him or confront him.”

Zanny’s Thoughts: 

1.  I am curious about your motivation to “snoop.”  When one partner snoops on the other, it suggests that you sense something is amiss.  What indicators do you see?  What are you looking for?  What was the first sign that led you to check up on your husband?

2.  Be mindful of psychologically splitting.  For example, when you mentioned your “either or” position of “trusting vs. confronting.”  You can do both.  You can lovingly confront him and continue to trust him if you believe/understand his reasoning.  Things are seldom black or white - especially when emotions are involved.

3. How is your sex life?  Does your husband have any odd sexual requests?  Now, the term “odd” is very relative.  Sexual practices can be so variable and there is a very wide range of “normal” within the sexual spectrum.  As long as both of you consent and are comfortable with what erotic energy transpires between you - all is well.  The problem arises when a more “adventurous” partner has fantasies which make their partner uncomfortable.  The more “adventurous” partner typically resorts to alternate sources to fulfill their fantasy.   

 Zanny’s Suggestions:

1. Where is your comfort level on this subject?  What can you emotionally handle, and what is an absolute deal-breaker?  If your husband enjoys looking at fully clothed, attractive women on-line, that are not engaged in porn or gay sex - is that more than you can tolerate?  Men are very visual and some need more visual stimulation to get aroused. (FYI:  women are equally visually aroused - it’s a myth that we’re not…)

2. Get more information.  For example, what does your husband get from these sites (other than an erection) - what need is he emotionally filling?  My guess is that he feels embarrassed and/or ashamed of some of his sexual preferences, so he seeks on-line sex forums to validate and normalize his feelings.  The good news is that at least he’s trying to work through what he perceives is an issue. 

3.  Be honest!  Tell your husband you were snooping, why you snooped, and what you discovered.  Try to come from a place of non-judgement and loving curiosity about his motivation to visit these sites.

4.  You said you are at a “crossroads” in the relationship, and if you push him away, you will lose him.  You’re right, you certainly could, and if you play the hard line, you probably will.  So, make sure you have all the facts before you make any big decisions!  Again, get more information from him.  You need to hear his explanation.  Then you can determine what is acceptable to you and what is not.  Weigh the balance of your love for him verses his sexual needs.  Ask him if he can or is willing to channel some of his sexual energy into you instead of looking on-line.

Lastly, my hope for you both is that you lovingly confront him and he honestly explains his secret desires which don’t conflict with your inner compass.  I would never suggest you engage in sexual behaviors you are not comfortable with, but I would ask that you consider, expanding your sexual repetoire.  The ideal result would be that you can help him fulfill his fantasies, you’re more satisfied, and your sex life soars to new and exciting heights!  It could be a win-win situation.

Good Luck Becky!  Thanks for sharing your story.  Please let us know how it unfolds for you.  Listeners - do you have any questions/comments for Becky?  Please leave me a vm: 678-884-0524, or write in the comment box below.