Entries Tagged 'Behaviors' ↓

Relationships are like bank accounts.  Like bank accounts, in relationships you make deposits, withdrawals, and check your balance.  Friends and lovers and couples would be healthier if they applied this principle to their relationships.  It’s not hard.  It’s like banking.  Sometimes money goes in, and sometimes it goes out, and sometimes things are just status quo, you know, balanced.  In relationships emotional energy is the currency. 

Relationships require emotional energy.  The energy is seldom in perfect balance.  Sometimes one person is ’extra expensive’ - requiring a lot of emotional currency.  Perhaps a friend or lover or significant other needs to make hefty withdrawals - maybe they are in crisis, or depressed (from either neuro-chemical or situational causes), or just plain life happens and they need to withdrawal some emotional currency - the energy from the relationship you’ve built.  What does that look like?  Oftentimes, patience. 

 Sometimes the person in need of emotional currency needs to verbalize their conflict, or maybe they need to emotionally isolate.  One may choose to give the emotional currency or state feel like the joint account has  ’insufficient funds’.  The later is a tough one.

When one person repeatedly makes deposits to the relationship and the other makes withdrawals, the account becomes drained.  For a healthy emotional account, both people must contribute to joint deposits.  A healthy balance allows both partners to make deposits and withdrawals.

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By:  Suzanne Maiden, M.A.

I was pleasantly surprised to see the Today Show with Dr. Nancy Snyderman and the Editor in Chief, Ann Shoket, of Seventeen Magazine, discuss cutting behaviors in young women.  ‘Cutting’ is the layperson word for Self -Injurious Behaviors (SIB).  Why would I be happy to hear this touchy topic be talked about on mainstream T.V?  Because cutters and why they cut are grossly misunderstood.  I wrote my graduate thesis on SIB.   Many medical personnel and mental health professionals find cutters’ behaviors troubling, treatment-resistant, and plain disgusting.  As a practicing Family Therapist I have successfully treated many cutters.  I appreciate your bringing awareness to this issue.  I would like to offer just a bit more insight based on my experience.

Katie Stewart bravely shared her painfully private struggle with the Today Show .  In many ways, she represents the various women with whom I have worked – bright, beautiful, and the seemingly a “great kid”.   Unless one would see their scars, cutters do not fit an easily identifiable profile.  Outwardly, they present as very together.  Inwardly, they battle demons.  Most want to quit.  Many report extreme shame and guilt over their irresistible urge to self-injure and go to great lengths to hide their scars.  But why?  Why does anyone self-injure?  There are multiple hypothesis as to why people self injure to include:  1) non-validating environment, 2) poor attachment in childhood, 3) addicted to their own opiate release system, and 4) history of sexual abuse. 

The data strongly support the positive correlation between sexual abuse and future SIB.  Not every person who has been sexually abused will end up self-injuring.  Conversely, not every person who engages in self-injury has a positive history for sexual abuse.  However, in my personal experience, the majority of my clients who self-injure do report a positive history of prior sexual abuse. 

What’s sexual abuse have to do with self-injury?  The cutters who do have a positive history for sexual abuse frequently report that self-injury is the only way they know to access their pain – or express it.  Ironically, many self-injurers do not feel pain while actively self-injuring.  Why?  Because sexual abuse survivors tend to be very adept at the ability to dissociate.  That is, when sexual abuse occurs, the victim often mentally “checks out”.  This ability helps the victim endure the abuse when they cannot physically escape.  Many cutters report they are in a dissociative state when they self-injure and many do not realize the extent of tissue trauma until they “come back” mentally. 

Cutters are often the modern day lepers of emergency rooms and therapists’ office.  Nobody wants to deal with them and their self destructive acts.  However, their wounds are the physical manifestation of their internal suffering.  If they knew how to access their pain in a healthier way – many would.  Thank you TODAY Show and Seventeen Magazine for bringing this dark phenomenon into the light.          

I guess we’ve each done it at different times.  We laugh at someone verses with them.  This seems to happen more in group settings than individual because groups often give us psychological insulation - we feel protected within the parameters of the group.  We may say or do things we would not engage in as an individual.  In psychology, we label this phenomenon as ‘group think’ - sort of like ‘monkey see, monkey do’ type mentality. 

Groups, predictably, psychologically collapse to the lowest denominator of the group member - this is certainly true in family systems.  The most neurotic family member calls the shots for the entire family.  The family acquieses to the needs of the sickest family member.  Groups frequently mimic familial dynamics.

It fascinates me when a group will bully or slam or make fun of or criticize or laugh at another.  This is an example of when the group slips to the lowest denominator of the dominant and twisted person.  I feel ashamed when I’m with a group and this occurs.  I do recognize the distinction between teasing verses unkindness or cruelty.  I have gotten into heated arguments when I’ve been in this situation - when someone is intentionally and cruelly critiquing another.  I give credit to my mother. 

My mother is innately kind.  My first lesson in not participating in the group think and laughing at others was when I was in third grade.  We lived in Stow, OH.  A girl in my class Bonita, was larger than the rest of us and mentally impaired.  Chronologically, Bonita belonged in 5th grade, but her mental lethargy required her to be placed with my third grade class.  Bonita loved physical affection.  She ran up to anyone and tried to kiss them.  Well, this caused quite the stir on our playground.  Everybody ran away when Bonita approached with her body crushing hugs and drowning wet kisses.  Children laughed and sneered and made fun of Bonita.  I felt great compassion for her.  Most of the time, I allowed her to kiss me on the cheek, and agreed to push her on the swing.  The other kids made fun of me for befriending Bonita.  I didn’t care.  I even tried to physically defend her against the class bullies.  This was difficult for me because although I was tall, I was very skinny and didn’t have any physical strength to back up my verbal threats.  Most of the time, I got the bullies to leave Bonita alone.  I couldn’t stand anyone hurting her either physically or emotionally.

Several years later, we lived in Williamsville, NY.  My mother was driving and we came to a 4-way stop sign.  I impulsively stuck my tongue out at the opposite car.  I was about 11 years-old, and I cannot remember why I did such a thing.  My mother turned and slapped me hard across my face.  I was shocked.  She told me that I had no idea who could be in that car and they may interpret my behavior as cruel mockery.  Between Bonita and my mother’s hard slap, I got it. 

I am extremely sensitive to laughing or mocking or making fun of another.  I don’t do it.  Laughing at others with intentional malice is cruel.  It’s a small person who engages in the behavior.  I am so glad I have surrounded myself with the kindest of friends.    

By:  Suzanne Maiden

We’re all seekers.  We quest for meaning and purpose.  We want to know, at the deepest level, that life and Soul are synonymous.  We want purposeful lives profound with meaning.  But Good God!  The task most oftentimes seems insurmountably impossible.  So we bumble our way, walking down various paths never knowing, actually guessing, if the current road we’ve choosen will take us to our final destination.  Destination = Soul = Logos or God or Yahweh = Home.

The vast paths each of us select vary as much as the types of species in the entire animal kingdom.  This variability allows a lot of latitude for judgement from others.  We critique others and their method of searching for meaning.  Simultaneously, we may secretly wonder if maybe they know something we don’t?

Oftentimes, our quest is an unconscious one.  That is, the invisible pull towards meaning is strong.  The intangible, unnameable something gnaws at our very essence, but what is it?  What mystery silently beckons us?  Many of us unconsciously move through the everyday motions of life.  This does not present too many problems until we want something more.  When we want more, yet remain unconscious and unaware of how to access Soul, then we often externally search.   

For many, our unconscious impulses leave us to externally search for Soul through acquisition.  We buy things.  We buy big homes, vehicles, and clothes which we project our split-off parts of self on. 

A concrete, hypothetical, example is someone who remodels their kitchen.  We want a new structure.  Now, of course, the need may be real and valid.  OK.  But, what happens when it’s ‘never good enough’ scenario plays out?  We pay someone to come and demolish the existing structure to create something anew.  Already, the metaphor is percolating…  That is, we pay someone else to destroy our existing psychological structure and recreate another.  Except, it’s not good enough, nor will it ever be.  The unconscious purchaser is really asking for someone else to recreate their structure - their psychological structure.  The purchaser attempts to find meaning in their life via external search for Soul.  They are willing to pay someone a hefty price to do the work, but the work is not another’s - it is our own.     

This pattern of behavior is predictable, and usually necessary for most of us, until we discover the futility of it all.  Because when we get all the material things we so desperately sought, and still feel empty, our real work can begin.  The climate is perfect for Soul growth.

For some, this expedition for Soul Search typically does not occur until the middle years of our life.  C. G. Jung noted this as the typical pattern.  But what happens when this next and appropriate phase is never reached?  Then, we continue to externally search for Soul.  We seek meaning through every external way possible.  We vehemently avoid doing our inner work.  Inner work is the only access to Soul. 

Inner work is hard work.  Inner work is analogous to an archaeological dig; it takes time and care and gentle excavation to reach and explore the buried pieces of Self.  What is Inner work?  Inner work is identifying the split off parts of Self and consciously working towards healing those broken pieces.  Inner work is any venue that increases consciousness.  By being conscious of behavior patterns and underlying impulses and urges and motivations - which typically cannot be fully done without help (e.g. therapist, spiritual teacher, shaman…), we can begin to heal ourselves and our wounding.  

When we begin to heal ourselves we can withdrawal our negative projections onto others.  We can stop pointing our proverbial finger at others and our intolerance for their shortcomings.  We reorient our perspective and earnestly look in the mirror.  If we can look at ourselves, then we can begin to healthfully integrate our split-off parts of Self.  When we can assimilate our woundedness, C.G. Jung said we’re never done, we walk towards psyche’s goal:  Individuation. 

Through this process we may minimize our external search for Soul.  When we look externally in search for Soul, we will never find it.  Finding Soul has always been and always will be the result of our inner work.  Soul has been sitting with us through our entire journey.  Look inside. 

By:  Suzanne Maiden

Ooooohhhhhhh, I have a new favorite song:  Crush, by David Archuleta.  The lyrics inspired me to think about what distinguishes a crush verses a real connection, e.g., love, verses a simple crush?  What is a crush?  What is love?  Do all love relationships begin with a crush?  Who knows?  How do you decipher between them? 

What happens when you have a crush on another and you know it may be like licking an ice-cream cone except this flavor  will only inflame your tongue like a dessert fire?  And yet… the pull is very strong.  It’s analogous to the moon pulling the tide.  The tide is strong in it’s own right, but the moon’s magnetic pull dictates how the tide will express itself.  The two seemingly tandem events need each-other for expression.  The moon dominates the tide, and the tide must acquiesce.  It unfolds the way nature intended.  Could this metaphor be applied to human desire, or crushes?  While the magnetic pull of the moon cannot be denied, the tide still ebbs and flows by itself.   

If we’re honest we all get crushes or feel an attraction to others - even those of us in committed relationships.  Each of us feels sexual tension towards various people at different times.  We look at another and contemplate, “Yeah, maybe a different time, different place… maybe.”  Get a group of women together, and a little alcohol in the mix, and their crush confessions come out.  Some people experience this more than others.  I certainly have to own my experience of different crushes at different times for whatever reason.  I haven’t acted on any, but the feelings have been present at various times. 

I have a confession; I have had a small, itsy-bitsy crush on my surgical oncologist, Charlie.  He’s excessively chubby.  He’s bald.  He’s extremely intelligent - OK, smart-as-hell would be my exact description.  And, oh yeah, and we laugh and laugh and laugh.  Charlie has to call me at different times to give me my CAT scan results.  We often talk for an extended period, until I finally say, “Charlie, don’t you have a life you need to save?”  I own my affection for him, and have never taken it seriously.  I regard my crush as the ‘hero worship’ scenario.  He saved my life.  And I know he would do whatever it takes to save me.  I sense he genuinely cares for me as a fellow human being.  Of course I feel affection for him.  I know that is as far is it will go. 

I diligently work at being conscious on my behaviors and underlying feelings.  It’s hard work, and I find I that I am never done.  That’s why I stay in therapy, because when I’m unconscious of my behaviors, I can count on my therapist, Barry, to set me straight - which he frequently gets the opportunity to do.  If I feel a crush or attraction to someone, I teasingly tell my husband, “Did I tell you?  He’s my next husband, hahhahaa.”  We both laugh.  No harm, no foul.  

Actually, if events unfolded so that I had the opportunity to re-marry, I would not.  I’m not interested in marriage.  It’s just not on my agenda.  In many ways, I’m better single.  But who knows this until they marry?  And, my stance does not mean I’m unhappy in my own marriage.  

So, what about crushes?  Why do we get them?  When do you know if it’s more?  Does that mean you act on it?  I don’t know.  And if we acted on every attraction - nothing in the planet would ever get done!  What about the deeper connection that penetrates physical exteriors?  As Archuleta sings, “Am I crazy or falling in love?  Is it real, or just another crush?  Do you catch your breath when I look at you?  Are you holding back like the way I do… cause I’m trying, trying to walk away, but I know this crush ain’t going away…”  

How do you decipher the difference between a crush or love?  What do you do about it?  How do you manage the intense feelings?  Call me:  678-884-0524 and anonymously share.  I know you’re out there - because some of you have privately confessed your crushes with me… 

By:  Suzanne Maiden 

We all can easily identify who they are.  The ‘unattractive ones.’  We learn at a very early age how our culture, and our specific sub-culture defines beauty.  Interestingly enough, many cultures agree on what constitutes facial beauty; body weight and shape seem to be more variable. 

Northern American culture values thinness and fitness.  The oxymoron is that our population is one of the fattest in the world.  In Brazil for example, voluptuous bottoms in women are considered very sexy.  In Greece the female who sports a Botticelli body (which would be defined as ‘fat’ by our society) are courted for their voluminous curves.  And, the well known song “Baby’s Got Back” speaks to the African American culture who value women with fuller figures.  One of the lines in the lyrics speaks to women’s measurements and what is ideal.  The lyrics sing: “…36, 26, 36?  Only if she’s 5′3″…”  Again, facial features seem to be more concrete and less flexible in beauty definition.

So what happens when the individual who does not meet the cultural criteria of beauty?  The metaphorical ‘Ugly Duckling’ scenario emerges.  They experience rejection by their peers.  I was the ‘Ugly Duckling’ during my high school years.  Nobody asked me to the prom.  Nobody asked me out.  I was awkward and didn’t really fit any specific peer group.  I was unattractive and had not yet discovered my athletic talents.  I had one best friend, Alison, and we did everything together.  The internal experience and deep psychological wounding of being cast as the Ugly Duckling never completely fades.  The experience indelibly shapes our future internal definition of self.

Now, I eventually ‘came into my own’ in my mid to late 20’s.  I learned how to control my mass of naturally curly hair, my acne subsided, and I learned to wear figure-flattering clothes vs. my former too-big-shirts which I used to mask my big boobs.  I chuckle now, because in high school I was 5′7″ and weighed 117lbs.  I actually had a beautiful figure, but because I have a classic hour glass figure, it did not meet the current criteria of beauty.  I felt huge and ridiculously tall next to the my petite classmates.  The profound impact to my psyche permanently shaped me.  Not only did I never feel pretty enough, I felt downright homely. 

I attended my 20 year high school class reunion; I made sure that I looked really good. I had the sweetest experience.  Several of the males didn’t recognize me, and were falling all over themselves to figure out who I was.  One said, “Oh my God, I can’t believe I don’t remember you!”  He continued to look at my name-tag and obviously couldn’t recall any memory of me.  I smiled and said, “Yeah where were you when I needed a date to the prom?”

Having been formerly cast and identified as the Ugly Duckling, I feel anyone’s pain who shares this experience.  Now as a practicing Family Therapist, and with some hind-sight, I suggest the following for anyone who thinks they fall into the Ugly Duckling category:

1) Identify your own talents and gifts

2) Develop these talents and gifts - maybe you’re gifted at painting, writing, music.  Maybe you have a unique hobby, regardless of how obscure, that makes interesting conversation.  Use it.  People love interesting people.  A famous ‘unattractive’ celebrity was author, Truman Capote.  He was insanely popular in New York society - and a party was not considered complete without him.  Every hostess coveted his presence.  

3) Use your sense of humor.  A good example is Woody Allen.  Most people would not describe him as ’hot’ or handsome.  But Woody Allen is slap-your-mama funny.  People adore him!  Be able to laugh at yourself.

4) Realize external beauty fades and is so temporary.  Only internal beauty is long lasting.  Yeah, yeah, you’e heard it before, but really think about this.  Why?  Because the beautiful people will eventually be at a handicap when their beauty subsides - if they haven’t developed any other aspect of ’self.’ 

5) Be kind and generous to everyone.  People respond to kindness and generosity of spirit - even the beautiful people.  We’re all insecure, I don’t care how beautiful other’s perceive us to be, most of us doubt ourselves and feel inadequate relative to others.  The proverbial grass always looks greener.  A kind word and generous intentions yield more dividends than a beautiful face or body. 

The long term impact of being early identified as the Ugly Duckling becomes part of one’s psychological landscape.  History cannot be changed, but it can be cognitively tweaked.  The way in which we regard the experience can be shaped.  I am actually glad I had the experience of being cast as the Ugly Duckling.  The experience forced me to develop other aspects of myself that I would not have done otherwise, it gave me considerably greater compassion for others who are ‘less perfect’ and I learned the value of genuine kindness and compassion.  I would not change it.     

By:  Suzanne Maiden 

Have you ever loved someone and it makes no sense?  I recently had a client who stated that he loves a woman with such fervor and such frenetic intensity that throughout the session he repeatedly asked me if he were sane.  I reassured him, that his sanity was well intact.  He struggled to wrap his mind around having profound feelings for another when it felt irrational to his cognitive side.  This man could not make logical sense of why he could have such profound and deep feelings for a woman that appeared incongruent with his internal checklist.  Have you ever loved another and it makes no sense? 

Sometimes love is irrational.  Sometimes love makes no sense.  Sometimes love does not care about age difference, or ethnicity, or physical criteria, or health, or money; love does not care if it violates your mental checklist.  Love is non-discriminatory.  Love Just Is.  Love expresses itself without our permission, without our conscious consent, and without our logical cognition.  Love insists on being acknowledged.  Love wants expression.  

Love wants a voice - which may be nothing more than a divine whisper.  Loving another can never be wrong.  Love is the closest emotion to the divine we can express as spiritual beings who temporarily have a human experience.  Love is the Alpha and Omega.  Love is trump.   

By: Suzanne Maiden

Bodies talk.  Apparently they have a lot to say.  Our body speaks metaphorically and tells us exactly what we need to know about our psychological wounding.  Through illness, the body speaks symbolically.  The anatomical location and chakra point of an illness provide us with an abundance of  information.  Oh, many of you will resist my words and immediately become defensive and react with cognitive reasoning.  Some will intellectualize, deny, and refute this reality.  It can feel like too much to integrate that we may have some ownership in our health issues.  

However, in my humble opinion, our resistance does not negate this phenomenon.  The mind and body are intimately, deeply, inexorably woven.  The data support the mind-body connection.  If you find yourself defensive, it is OK.  I get it.  I was too.  But it is important, both physically and psychologically to understand the enormous impact psyche has on the body.  Because when we integrate our cognition with psyche, we awaken.  We identify aspects of soul which need emotional  healing.  Illness forces the issue.

I am a cancer survivor.  I do not like to dwell on this, nor is this a covert means to elicit compassion.  I am OK with my experience.  Cancer catapulted my awareness.  I was forced to examine what toxic energies I continued to carry.  But this essay’s focus is not my cancer history.  My own cancer is merly a springboard to provide validity on how I regard my body as a metaphor for what needed psychological healing.  And, my own therapist had to drag me to this realization - I kicked and screamed and resisted his interpretation of events the entire way.  But now I get it.  He will chuckle at this writing.  I resisted his assertion that my cancer had anything to do with my emotional wounding.  How dare he even suggest that I had culpability!  But I surely did.  Unless I actively worked my stuff, I knew I would die.  I’ve never met one other person who has survived my type particular type of cancer- a 9cm hemangiopericytoma.  The only people I’ve met who are familiar with this rare disease are the loved one’s left behind.   

What illnesses present themselves to you?  Where are they located?  Our Western culture, so egotistically inflated with ’scientific data’ often denounces Eastern thoughts which suggest illness and psyche directly correlate.  However, Western medicine is coming around.  I understand that even Ivy League Medical Schools offer alternative medicine curriculum and expose future physicians to cultural variations for healing.  This is good.  I do not suggest that anyone sacrifice Western medicine to exclusively embrace Eastern philosophy.  I suggest we integrate both philosophies - for they are not mutually exclusive but can live as companions.  East and West finally meet, meld and mesh.  I think this is wise.      

By:  Suzanne Maiden

I swore I would NEVER do THAT to my body - hahahahahahha.  The Universe has such a wonderfully wicked and playful sense of humor.  Because now, after a rare, nasty, mean-spirited cancer that left me with a 13″ scar from my right spine over my right hip into my right groin… I want one.  I want a tattoo. 

Me, a tattoo?  My family does not do tattoos.  My mother had me destined to become a debutante!  But, instead of donning silver slippers, I selected steel-toed combat boots.  Because much to my parents horror, I did not become a debutante, I enlisted in the US Air Force.  And even as an Active Duty military person I never considered a tattoo.  Odd how life reconfigures us and our story.

Now, when I look at my disfigured, scarred body, I think, “I need something to ritualize this experience…”  I conclude the ancient Greek Ouroboros (the serpent consuming it’s own tail) would be the perfect metaphor for me.  Why?  Because the Ouroboros represents the cyclical nature of life and death over and over.  Several months prior to my initial cancer diagnoses, I dreamed of serpents.  They obsessively slithered into my nightly dream life.  I hated them.  But, what I later learned, is the serpent is a powerful symbol of healing. 

Christianity has given the snake a bad rap.  Many indigenous cultures still regard the serpent as the creature who comes from below to bring primordial knowledge.  Even Christianity must give credit to the serpent.  Because, without the snake Adam and Eve would have remained in the Garden of Eden.  Without the serpent - they would have never become conscious.  The serpent brings consciousness to us, to our lives, to our inner conflicts.  If you’re unfamiliar with the Ouroboros, just look at my website header on the right is a shadow of the Ourboros. 

If I am to mark my flesh, it must represent something spiritually significant.  The serpent is a spiritual icon for me.  A friend of mine suggested perhaps having the serpent slither around the entire 13″ scar… what a lovely and apropos image  for me.  This is analogous to out modern day medical symbol for healing - the caduceus which portrays double inter-twinned snakes around the staff.

I still dream of snakes.  Sometimes I’m in the center with serpents in a circle surrounding me.  Each one, individually approaches me and has secret wisdom to impart - but alas, I do not speak serpent language.  The patient, primordial, cold- blooded creatures continue coming to me.  Sometimes they dance with me.  I know something big is approaching me when they begin to appear in my dream world again.  I had a long respite from dream serpents.  Then, weeks before I was diagnosed with more cancer, they slithered into my night psyche again.  This time, the white snake was prominent.  The white snake is the hero of a well known Russian Fairy tale.  The white snake brings wisdom to the king of the land.  I should be so fortunate.

So, once again, I am reminded to never say “never.”  Or, the Universe creates an experience to challenge me.  Here I sit contemplating not if, I should get a tattoo, but how I want it to look.  For me, it is a personal symbol.  I do not do it for anyone else’s eyes but my own. 

What do you think of tattoos?  Would you ever get one?  Call me: 678-884-0524.      

 

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By: Suzanne Maiden

I actually ended up recording TWO shows today.  Because you expressed such positive energy around this topic - I had to record an addendum to the ‘Random Acts of Kindness:  Part 2′  WOW!  Your response blows me away.  Thank you so much for taking time to leave voice-mails. 

I avoided this topic for a long time. This topic feels so personal and deeply private that I would rather disclose other intimate pieces of myself instead of my RAK’s ~ Random Acts of Kindness.  I’m not clear why I feel so protective about this part of my life, but I do.  What is a RAK?  A RAK is Acting Kindly in a Random way.  More specifically, I define a RAK as:  To spontaneously engage in a selfless act for another without thought of benefit or reward or praise to self.

On my other podcast, TheDivaCast (http://www.TheDivaCast.com), I casually mentioned a recent RAK – and the response was resoundingly favorable. TheDivaCast received emails and voice-mails from listeners who said they were encouraged and inspired to initiate their own RAKs. Listeners expressed so much enthusiasm about ‘passing it on’ that one listener (click in left box listen) challenges all listeners to participate in RAK however possible.  Because of the overwhelmingly positive response from listeners, I feel compelled to say more regarding acting randomly with kindness.  Here we go.

Many RAK do not involve money.  Some RAK may be as small as holding a door open for someone, helping an elderly person load groceries in their car; or not erupting with anger when another driver cuts you off or does something stupid and annoying - respond with a forgiving wave and smile instead.  Can you imagine how different the roadways would be? 

Other RAK that cost something could include: taking a homeless person for a meal, offering workers a cold beverage, bathroom break, or sandwich, pay for the person behind you in a fast food line, or toll booth.  Or, if you see someone using food stamps in the grocery store line, have the cashier add it to your bill, or purchase someone’s prescription drugs.  A slightly bigger act is to pay for a (young, or in need) family’s dinner at a restaurant and escape before they know.  Several holidays ago, I stood in line and chatted with a newly immigrated Russian woman.  She held a single holiday sweater for herself - her first holiday in this country.  I purchased it for her and said, “Welcome to America.”  This smalll gesture surely didn’t change the world.  But, maybe, just maybe, she will remember that moment and it will sustain her belief in human kindness. 

Another memorable moment for me, is when I literally gave the sweater off myself to a fellow cancer patient.  We both sat and waited for the radiation machine to zap us.  This beautiful young girl, Carmen, was terribly thin, and so chilled.  She admired my sweater.  I took my sweater off and gave it to her.  The following week, I walked in with a gift bag filled with new, hip, age-appropriate sweaters for her.  She was delighted.  The technicians told me she waited for my arrival everyday.  Carmen died shortly after.  Who received the greater gift?  Of course, it was I.

I give money any time someone in need crosses my path.  It may be my last $20 - it’s not much; or more if I have it.  Again, is this a big deal when I can go to the bank and get more?  No.  But, I like to think that the act itself perpetuates positive feelings and maybe shifts another’s attitude. 

If we just look around, need is everywhere.  The idea is to note another’s need and ask yourself, “How can I be of service right now?”  Ideally, and when possible, I prefer to do RAK’s anonymously.  I don’t hang around for expressions of gratitude.  Any public acknowledgement makes me squirm with discomfort and triggers my shyness. 

My personal goal is to engage in 1 RAK/day.  If I miss a day, I may do something bigger or multiple acts the following.  I reiterate, it’s difficult for me to publicly share this piece of myself.  I don’t seek affirmation.  I do what I do because it is my deepest, highest truth.  My efforts are small.  I know I’m not some great philanthropist making extraordinary contributions.  I think of myself as a spiritual being having a human experience and just doing the best I can each day.  I offer my very private RAK concept as one way to simply, selflessly perpetuate global goodwill.

How do you feel about RAK?  Do you do RAK?  Would you be willing to challenge yourself into engaging in One RAK/day for 1 week?  Call me and share your thoughts: 678-884-0524 

By:  Suzanne Maiden

I have a confession:  When I hate my hair - I hate my life.  It’s embarrassingly shallow, I know.  And I may as well be walking around naked for all to assess my body – because psychologically that’s how I feel.  But, it’s my truth - exposed.  And, I don’t think I am alone.  I wonder how much money is spent on hair care each year in this country?  I’m not the only one either.

Europeans are just as vain and even more expressive.  I’m certain.  That is, Europeans adapt a chameleon’s attitude.  They don’t mind going to extreme colors or styles to adapt to their environment or be a wild spark of color amongst it.  It’s the psychology of hair.  What is it about the abundance, or lack of… the texture, the color, and the style of dead cells that spurt from our scalp each month that governs our emotional well-being?  Who knows?  It certainly could meet the diagnostic criteria for neurosis.  I admit, I have a long-term difficult relationship with my unruly curls.   Because they insist on expressing themselves contrary to my wishes. 

How can something as benign as hair impact my attitude?  It’s ridiculous.  It’s shallow.  It’s narcissistic.  My thoughts must be no deeper than a puddle after a Georgia summer rain during the drought.  However, the Bible makes numerous references to hair - thank goodness - I can blame it all on God.  What’s the first story one thinks of?  Yes, Samson and Delilah.  Samson’s hair equated to his physical strength.  When Delilah, in an act of betrayal, had Samson’s hair cut off while he was sleeping - his extraordinary strength vanished.  This story brought increased consciousness to our hair.  Hair care was born!

Our language supports our over identification with hair.  Clichés like, “Her hair is her crowning glory.”  Interestingly, hair does surround the crown chakra, well, if one believes in such things.  No matter, when I have a ’bad hair day’ everything else seems to follow suit.  When my frizz factor pegs the Richter scale - even with products - my attitude escalates too.  For some reason, people seem to especially enjoy critiquing my mane.  I wear my hair naturally curly.  I’ve given up trying to flat iron my curls - it only last for a few hours anyway and it is very damaging. Occasionally, I get reinforcement for sustaining my natural state.  One woman chased me down in a parking lot to inquire who cuts my hair, how is it cut, and what products do I use because she “loved it.”  I do receive many compliments.  People act bi-polar when expressing their opinion about my hair.  They either love it or hate it. 

Conversely, others seem to dismiss their societal manners and feel free to comment on my hair’s unruly appearance. Just this week, an older man spoke to me at the gym.   I saw him looking at me, then he finally approached and said, “Wow, I just can’t quit looking at your hair - it’s uh, really wild.”  I smiled and responded, “Well, is that good or bad?”  He wasn’t sure.  He back peddled and with a smile said, ”Uh, I don’t know you well enough to asses that yet.”  Huh?

I know I’m not alone.  Please tell me I am not.  OK, OK, Okay!  I have evidence that I’m not.  Enter any ladies room (well, if you’re male, I don’t recommend this…) and you will witness women lined up in front of the mirrors.  What do they primp the most?  Their hair.  Yep.  I’ve seen my girlfriends carry HUGE (could be listed as a deadly weapon!) bottles of hair spray, clips, waxes, and serums all to coax, fuss and fret over every strand.  I don’t carry all this stuff, but I get caught up in snagging some of their products as long as they have them out and available. Call me with your hair care issues at at 678-884-0524.  Tell me I’m not alone… I need some support.  Because, when I hate my hair, I hate my life!  Do you ever feel this way?  Does the appearance of your hair influence, positively, or negatively your attitude?  Call me.   

By:  Suzanne Maiden

So you think you know what you are, right?  Hmn, not so fast…  People often and erroneously categorize themselves or someone else as either introverted or extroverted.  Swiss psychiatrist, C.G. Jung identified these two dominant personality types, introverted or extroverted.  How do you determine your personality type?  Well, it may not be as obvious as you think.  Introverted and extroverted personality types are NOT based on overt behavior.  That’s a surprise, right?  A tell-tale question is to ask yourself:  Where do I get my emotional energy from? 

Introverted individuals are stimulated by their inner world, they enjoy spending time in their private arena of thoughts; their psychic energy resides internally.  Conversely, extroverted types focus on external events and they feel re-energized by people and crowds.

Most of my friends and colleagues mistakenly peg me as extroverted.  I smile easily and can speak to anyone without difficulty.  But, in actuality, I am a true introvert.  I love my own inner world and private thoughts.  I adore my alone time.  Parties are fun, and I enjoy being with family and friends - briefly.  But, when I need to restore my psychic energy, I go inward.  I listen to music, write, play the piano, walk, and meditate - all solo.  I crave time away from others.  I often prefer my own company.  Arrogant?  Nope, it’s my introverted nature.  If I over-schedule my social life, both my family and I pay a hefty price because I become irritable.  All introverts will resonate with me. 

For you extroverts, you get emotionally recharged by being with others.  You get energized by a crowd.  Why should you care about this?  Because when you understand you and or your loved one’s dominant personality type - their behavior will make sense.  You will understand their resistance or insistence on being social or withdrawn.

If you want to identify your personality type go to http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp   (**This is a correction to previous post - reader brought to my attention other address was incorrect.) This 72 ‘yes’ or ‘no’ questionnaire is known as the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI).  This free, 5 minute quiz, will provide you with your overall personality typology.  The MBTI not only determines your overall introverted or extroverted type - but the four auxiliary functions which include thinking, feeling, intuition, and sensation.  This quick test will illuminate how you and/or your loved one psychologically exist in the world.  I’m an INFP (Introverted Intuitive Feeling Perceiving) - call me at 678-884-0524 and tell me what you are and if you’re surprised.  It’s fun, it’s quick, and you may learn something about yourself.

*corrected website

 

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A listener named Becky left a vm.  Becky stated she has been married for 15 months, she is 33 years old, and her husband is aged 43 years.  Becky ”snooped” on her husband’s computer and found some “shocking” sites he recently visited.  Becky is uncomfortable with her husband’s on-line looking at other women.  She said the women are fully clothed and nothing smacks of  porn or gay/homosexuality.  She read some forum exchanges and concluded her husband may just be seeking validation that his attraction to some different women is normal.  Becky does not know if she should “trust him or confront him.”

Zanny’s Thoughts: 

1.  I am curious about your motivation to “snoop.”  When one partner snoops on the other, it suggests that you sense something is amiss.  What indicators do you see?  What are you looking for?  What was the first sign that led you to check up on your husband?

2.  Be mindful of psychologically splitting.  For example, when you mentioned your “either or” position of “trusting vs. confronting.”  You can do both.  You can lovingly confront him and continue to trust him if you believe/understand his reasoning.  Things are seldom black or white - especially when emotions are involved.

3. How is your sex life?  Does your husband have any odd sexual requests?  Now, the term “odd” is very relative.  Sexual practices can be so variable and there is a very wide range of “normal” within the sexual spectrum.  As long as both of you consent and are comfortable with what erotic energy transpires between you - all is well.  The problem arises when a more “adventurous” partner has fantasies which make their partner uncomfortable.  The more “adventurous” partner typically resorts to alternate sources to fulfill their fantasy.   

 Zanny’s Suggestions:

1. Where is your comfort level on this subject?  What can you emotionally handle, and what is an absolute deal-breaker?  If your husband enjoys looking at fully clothed, attractive women on-line, that are not engaged in porn or gay sex - is that more than you can tolerate?  Men are very visual and some need more visual stimulation to get aroused. (FYI:  women are equally visually aroused - it’s a myth that we’re not…)

2. Get more information.  For example, what does your husband get from these sites (other than an erection) - what need is he emotionally filling?  My guess is that he feels embarrassed and/or ashamed of some of his sexual preferences, so he seeks on-line sex forums to validate and normalize his feelings.  The good news is that at least he’s trying to work through what he perceives is an issue. 

3.  Be honest!  Tell your husband you were snooping, why you snooped, and what you discovered.  Try to come from a place of non-judgement and loving curiosity about his motivation to visit these sites.

4.  You said you are at a “crossroads” in the relationship, and if you push him away, you will lose him.  You’re right, you certainly could, and if you play the hard line, you probably will.  So, make sure you have all the facts before you make any big decisions!  Again, get more information from him.  You need to hear his explanation.  Then you can determine what is acceptable to you and what is not.  Weigh the balance of your love for him verses his sexual needs.  Ask him if he can or is willing to channel some of his sexual energy into you instead of looking on-line.

Lastly, my hope for you both is that you lovingly confront him and he honestly explains his secret desires which don’t conflict with your inner compass.  I would never suggest you engage in sexual behaviors you are not comfortable with, but I would ask that you consider, expanding your sexual repetoire.  The ideal result would be that you can help him fulfill his fantasies, you’re more satisfied, and your sex life soars to new and exciting heights!  It could be a win-win situation.

Good Luck Becky!  Thanks for sharing your story.  Please let us know how it unfolds for you.  Listeners - do you have any questions/comments for Becky?  Please leave me a vm: 678-884-0524, or write in the comment box below.    

 

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I received a vm from ‘cheating wife’ asking for guidance.  She stated she has been with her husband since she was aged 16.  They have been together for 9 years.  Caller stated she, “…constantly seeks attention from men” and last year she actually had sexual intercourse with a man which resulted in two treatable sexually transmitted diseases.  Caller noted “…I’m an intelligent woman… but I just cannot forgive myself… and I don’t know where my mind’s at…”

Zanny’s Thoughts:

1. Cheating is an emotional decision - not a logical one:  Most people cheat on a partner because something in their relationship is missing.  That does not mean that the innocent partner is defective or at fault.  It just means the cheating partner is seeking something that feels missing in their current relationship, or within themselves.

2. When someone is constantly seeking approval from the opposite sex:  Generally speaking, it is because that is their place of emotional wounding.  Typically the wounding is from their opposite gendered parent.  In other words, sometimes women with emotionally detached, inattentive, or disapproving fathers will attempt to work out their father complex by seeking out approval from every male possible.  The attention-seeking behavior is compensatory for the father’s emotional detachment.

3.  Spouse’s Sexuality:  You mentioned the possibility that your husband is gay…  this knowledge could certainly impact your self-esteem as a woman.  How are you together sexually?  Do you have good chemistry, are you physically compatible?  How do you feel about his [alleged] bi/homo-sexuality?

4. Husband blames himself:  Why?  Is your husband conflicted about his sexuality and feels guilty for his possible bi-sexual feelings, so he forgives you over and over again?  He would benefit from therapy too. 

5. Tried therapy - but therapist justified your behavior:  It is never a therapist’s job to shame a client.  If s/he did, I would recommend you RUN.  Why?  Because that would indicate that their own moral judgment is sneaking into the therapeutic session - that is always an unwelcome, unwanted guest.  A therapist’s judgment is counter-productive for the client.    

6. Where are you going wrong?  You’re looking for external validation instead of finding it internally.  No one can ever ‘complete us’ or endlessly fill us up.  It’s not our lover’s job.  It’s our own work to do.  For emotional stability and happiness, we must look inward.  Each of us is responsible for our own emotional health - and as long as we seek external validation we will be riding an emotional roller coaster with someone else in the drivers seat.    

7. Two treatable STD’s:  What a gift.  Yes, a real wake-up call for you.  If you’ve been unfaithful since you’ve been together - this is a chronic situation.  When cheating on a partner is chronic it suggests so much more is going on on so many levels.

8. What to do now?  Go back to that SAME therapist.  She sounds like she knows what she’s talking about.  Sorry, I know that’s not what you want to hear.  But, she sounds right on.  Tell her you were disappointed, upset, and maybe even angry when she “justified” your cheating.  Process it with her.  If you still don’t like her, for some other reason then ask her to refer you to someone else.  She sounds competent.  Again, it is not her job to shame you!

Lastly, what will it take for you to forgive yourself?  How long will you hold yourself with such contempt and self-loathing?  Your behavior results from the only way you know how, at this point, to get some deep need met.  This doesn’t make you a bad person.  You’re doing the best you know how to do; but in an unhealthy and potentially life-threatening way.  When you understand your underlying motivation - your behavior will make perfect sense.  Then, you can break the dysfunctional cycle.  You can heal.  I forgive you, can you?

By:  Suzanne Maiden

Who knew that he would - or even could - be in a position to help me later?  I certainly had no idea.  I pulled up to valet parking and greeted the attendant with a smile.  I’d seen him several times before.  Months ago, after seeing him several times and chatting, I brought him a bottle of good wine with condiments.  He seemed genuinely grateful.  I forgot all about it until today.

Today, I drove to Emory Hospital for some routine tests.  Hurricane Ike’s destruction left those of us in Atlanta a little short on gasoline.  Some say if other’s wouldn’t panic, there would be enough for everyone. While others speculate that we don’t have fuel because the refineries actually cannot get it out due to power outages.  Regardless of why there was a shortage - I still needed to find some.  I knew I had enough gas to get to Emory, but the return trip would be dicey if I didn’t find a gas station that actually had fuel.  I would have to drive conservatively - not typically my style.  Every station I passed was desserted and had plastic shopping bags over the handle to indicate “No Gas.” 

I trusted that somehow, I would get what I needed.  Like deja vu, once again, I pulled up to valet park and the same attendant eagerly walked over to me, opened my door and offered assistance.  I asked him if he knew of any gas stations that actually had fuel.  He shook his head, then thought of one place that may still have some fuel.  I asked him if he would take my jeep and fill it up.  I placed $50. in his hand, and told him I’d settle with him later.  He personally took my vehicle and found fuel.  I was so grateful that when I hopped in my jeep on the return trip home, my gas tank was on full.

I had no idea when I gifted him with something minor, he would return the favor when I really needed it.  I don’t engage in random acts of kindness because I think that person will owe me something, or for any other personal gain.  It reinforces my premise that being kind to every person we meet, regardless of their station in life, is the right thing to do.  I try to engage in one random act of kindness per day.           

I believe in random acts of kindness to strangers.  I believe in ‘paying it forward’ and reaching out to others.  I believe good always, eventually, triumphs over evil.  I believe people are innately good.  Maybe I’m naive - but I prefer it that way.  Doing random acts of kindness to others has a boomerang effect.  The boomerang seldom returns to the one who initiated the throw, but to another and then another and in this way we help raise planetary consciousness.