Entries Tagged 'Behaviors' ↓

By:  Suzanne Maiden

What is your therapist really thinking during the therapeutic hour?  A lot.  I can only speak for myself and what thoughts run a marathon through my head.  So fasten your seat belt, here we go.

First, I assess the obvious physical/emotional presentation of my client.  For example, are they within normal limits of height and weight, are they appropriately dressed for the weather and situation, do they have any uncontrolled tics, does their body posture match what they verbalize?  Do they fidget, are they tangential in their speech, are they emotionally labile (crying one moment then hysterically laughing the next), and how comfortable are they in their own skin and in my office?  Of course, I always must assess for signs of substance abuse and suicidal/homicidal ideation.

Second, I intently track their words.  What my client is not saying is often so much more meaningful than what words pass their lips.  I look for incongruent body posture with their words.  What does that look like from where I sit?  Well, when a client cannot hold my gaze, or they clench their jaw, or uncontrollably shake their foot back and forth, something is amiss.   I do not play games as a therapist.  I never intentionally trap or trick my client.  When I observe incongruent posturing, I name it.  I share with them my observation and plainly ask “What’s up….? I notice you say thus and such, but your body language suggests something else.”  Oftentimes, they will smile, and admit that indeed something else is emotionally at work with them.

Third, I assess their defenses - that is, how do they protect themselves from painful stimuli and events?  Some clients take a very aggressive stance and are trigger ready to fight, some emotionally withdraw and retreat, and some (but not most or they wouldn’t be sitting in my office) attempt to resolve conflict with an even keeled approach.

Fourth, if other family members are present (as a Family Therapist, this is often the case) I need to simultaneously track each person.  And, I need to assess what inter-family dynamics exist between each member.  It’s very exciting,  but draining as a therapist.  It’s like watching several toddlers in a big swimming pool and making sure none drown.

Fifth, as a therapist, I grow to love my clients.  I mean I really, really, love my clients with such a tenderness I get chills thinking about it.  No matter how kooky (that should be a clinical term), no matter how warped, no matter how ill they may be - I love them.  I realize their inner turmoil and current level of functioning is a direct result of their woundedness.  As C.G. Jung asked, “How is the symptom serving the soul?”  He meant how are people’s neurosis their method of ‘fixing’ what’s broken.  It may appear dysfuntional by others’ standards, but to know all is to understand all.  It all makes sense if you discard logic.

I get the honor of sitting with them as they process their deepest woundings.  I get the privilege of hearing their deepest secrets.  I am often the first person with whom they share their most inner world.  How could I not be touched by that?

The phrase that speaks to this so well, is Carl Rogers’ concept of ‘Unconditional Positive Regard’ for the client.  I resonate with the Rogerian approach.  I see my clients psychological warts and wrinkles, and they are still beautiful to me.  This is what I think as a therapist.  This is my therapeutic stance.  Because no matter how brilliant my interpretations and predictions are, if my client does not experience a therapeutic lovingness from me, they will not permanently heal to their fullest capacity.

We’re all whores.  We prostitute ourselves everyday.  Yes, this vulgar reality hits hard.  We compromise on what we want, what we need, and what we believe in.  We (most often unconsciously) prostitute ourselves emotionally.  We sacrifice our emotional well being as a trade off for some other outcome.  Usually the other outcome is the fulfillment of another’s ideas for us and oftentimes money is involved.

What does this look like?  It may look like us compromising our very soul for something too over-priced.  The market, e.g. our psyche, cannot bear the inflated cost.  Eventually, our pimp demands payment in full - usually with a very hefty rate.  The result ends up compromising our emotional well-being.  

I knew a young man who desperately wanted to become a doctor - he fantasized about becoming a surgeon.  He watched every surgery show on TV.  This young man was academically gifted and indeed met the criteria for genius I.Q.  The young man’s father vehemently opposed his son’s choice.  Why?  Because the son’s desire to practice medicine was incongruent with his father’s religious beliefs.  The young man became something else.  He became a depressed business man - albeit successful - but emotionally unfulfilled.  The young man died many years later in a tragic crash while on a business trip.  Fate? Accident?  Would it have happened anyway?  Who knows.  It did happen and that young man is dead.  He sacrificed his inner longing for someone else’s idea of what path he should pursue.

I’ve witnessed others emotionally prostitute themselves for financial security.  I know couples who stay in unhealthy relationships for fiscal stability.  Oh, yes, the immediate assurance of financial security is comforting - but our pimp will come prancing with a collection plate in hand.  And, one may state, “But, my income would be significantly reduced!  I cannot compromise my standard of living!”  You’ve just prostituted your emotional well being - and the price may actually cost you addtional fees to include your physical health and even your very sanity. 

Live your life.  Live honoring yourself and your needs.  Be mindful of emotionally prostituting yourself for another’s wants or monetary security.  I do not suggest we each embark on hedonistic paths of selfish pursuits.  I suggest we each become increasingly conscious of what possible pitfalls we could become caught as a result of emotionally prostituting our own inner desires.  Be mindful of selling yourself.  Ponder on this.    

By: Suzanne Maiden 

Our dreams provide us with profound information - pregnant with meaning, dreams illuminate our emotional health.  Dream data suggest what needs psychological excavation, examination, and healing.  When a client needs access to difficult material they consciously resist dredging up, we explore their dreams.   

As Hall (1984) said, “The dream is to the psyche as an x-ray is to the body.”  Oftentimes, new clients minimize and poo-poo the notion that their dreams have meaning.  Usually, it only takes one time for us to explore a “big” dream - and they’re hooked.  Some clients sit and cry after processing a dream, because the dream so accurately portrays their inner world which they are just beginning to explore.  Clients e-mail me, leave voice-mails, and stop me in public excitedly describing a dream they need help dissecting.  Jung said, “Dreams are, after all, compensation for the conscious attitude.”  What we have difficulty consciously owning, the dream clarifies.

I am grateful I trained with notably the best dream analyst in the country.  For 7 years, Barry Williams, has been my own dream analyst.  In the world of psychoanalysis, Depth psychology, and Jungian concepts - Barry is considered the Godfather of dream interpretation - and one of the last greats of this work.  He is a direct disciple of C.G. Jung.  People travel from around the world to work with him.  Because I learned from the master, I feel free to speak with some authority regarding dream interpretation.

What do your dreams mean?  Dreams speak symbolically.  Dreams speak metaphorically.  Dreams carry archetypal energy and schema’s - archetypes are ancient world wide patterns that may be seen in every culture.  For example, some classic archetypal themes include: the ‘wise old woman/man’, the ‘virgin’, the ‘healer’, the ‘warrior’ or the ‘teacher’.  Jung said that dreams perform a self-regulatory function, and are imperative for personal growth and survival.   Because dreams speak symbolically, the symbols are unique to the dreamer - except when larger archetypal motifs dominate.  This is why dream interpretation books with standard answers do not work.  For example, when the dreamer dreams about a snake - it does not automatically mean a penis, unless you’re a strict follower of Freud.  Although, the snake could represent the proverbial penis if the dreamer has this association.  However, it is unlikely. 

Where to begin interpreting your dream?  Keep a dream journal by your bed.  Many dreams are forgotten on the way to the bathroom!  The following is a quick way to interpret you dream.  It is difficult to interpret a dream by yourself (and C.G. Jung declared it nearly impossible to interpret a dream’s meaning by oneself) but this do-it-yourself technique is a good beginning.

1) Write down every detail of the dream; people, colors, smells, location, and feeling-tone.

2) Highlight the most significant parts.

3) Begin a column and re-write the most significant part as a header.  Underneath that header, free-associate.  Write down every association to that one significant piece.  Do this for each significant piece.  

4) Narrow down the associations - which really resonate with you?  Which associations carry big energy?  This creates a picture, or story, you can begin to piece together an overall theme.  What are you left with after this point? 

Two key points:  First, this essay is not applicable to Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder dream recall/flashbacks, or psychic-prophetic dreams.  Second, anyone you dream about is almost always YOU.  For example, if I dream about Sarah Palin, the dream is only using her persona to identify the part of me that is Sarah Palin-ish - whatever she means to me.  However I describe Sarah Palin, is a projection.  A projection is a part of me that I cannot own or consciously carry, so I project onto another.  Whether I love or loathe her, if she shows up in my dream, it still represents the part of me that I love or loath.   

Lastly, “It would be an extraordinary waste of nature’s time if dreams did not contribute in some vitally important way to our survival” (Stevens, 1994).  Honor your dreams and their message.  Dreams can be literally life-saving - they were and continue to be for me…               

By: Suzanne Maiden

As a psychotherapist, I see many young people struggle with their sexual orientation. Many confide feelings of both bi-sexuality or straight homosexuality. And, the sacred space in which they divulge their secret is the first they have verbalized their inner truth. I have the privilege of being the first person with whom they share their most inner struggle ~ their sexual orientation.

The realization that one is attracted to the same gender throws many into a tailspin. How will their families respond? What will their friends say or do? Who will accept them and their sexuality, and who will ultimately be so uncomfortable with their disclosure, that they will be rejected?

The intensity of such feelings are no different than straight sexual attraction. Recently, I had a client who stated, “But, when it’s my first time, I won’t know how to do it.” Why would ‘doing it’ with a same sex partner be any different than with the opposite gender? OK, so the physical equipment is the same. I get it. But, what a potential benefit – experimenting with what you know! When sexual feelings are aroused, most people don’t need an instruction manual, it just happens. The body responds.

If the reader is waiting for me to make some professional value judgment on another’s sexuality, I won’t. It is not my place to assess whether another’s love is right or wrong, good or bad, sacred or sin. Physical attraction is like an alter personality that resides within us. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. Oftentimes an attraction to another violates one’s mental checklist. One can be attracted to another and it makes no logical sense. So it is with same sex love. Many clients who struggle with their sexual orientation state that they would not consciously choose this path. They report ego-dissonance, that is, they feel acute emotional turmoil and bewilderment. They experience anxiety with their bi-sexual or homosexual feelings which they know violate societal norms. They are scared.

Physical attraction is elusive. Physical attraction grabs you by the throat and demands your attention. It follows no script, no rules, no predetermined notion. Same sex attraction and love is no different than heterosexual love. Let tolerance prevail.

 

 Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Dear Zanny,Hi, this is Annie from California. I have a very abusive relationship with my father. We usually don’t see middle ground on many things, but the worst thing is that whenever I disagree and provoke his temper, he explodes and abuses me either verbally and/or physically. My dad has called me hopeless, futile, pathetic, fat, dumb and numerous other put downs that I consider unacceptable for a father to say to his daughter. He’s kicked, slapped, and even spit on me on occasions.After a huge blowout, my father would come back to his rational senses and try to apologize, telling me how much he loves me. As a daughter, I forgave him time after time.

However, this last time, I’ve decided I had enough. I’ve been abused way too much to let this happen to me again. I now hardly speak to my dad, and try to avoid being in the same room with him at all times.

Since I am a college student, it is impossible for me to loose all ties with my father, since he is financially responsible for my tuition and my lifestyle.  My mom has a hard time with all of this, but she often sides with my father asking if I can forgive my dad again because she hates to see the family so broken up. I love my mom, but I can’t let myself be so vulnerable and abused again. What should I do? I’ve talked to friends and a counselor about this, but nothing has changed. Please help me!
Thanks Zanny.

-Annie

Resonse:

1) Your father is an abusive bully who has anger management issues which result in poor impulse control

2) I’m so glad to hear you say that his behavior is unacceptable – that is a healthy response

3) Most children repeatedly will forgive parental abuse, that’s normal because children always want their parents’ approval

4) I am going to challenge you on your thinking. It is NOT impossible for you to cut ties due to his financial help. It’s more difficult to do-it-yourself, and thousands of college students do it every year. Financial aid is available. Go to your college’s financial aide department and begin to explore your options.

5) Regarding your mom:  It is her choice to stay with your father, she is an adult and responsible for her own choices.  I wonder what she gets from staying? People continue in behavioral patterns in which there is a payoff – what’s hers?

6) YOU are NOT breaking up the family if you do not allow your father to hit, slap, or spit on you.  Hold your boundaries. This is a classic blame-the-victim stance.  It’s your father’s abuse and your mother’s condoning it, that will impact the family – NOT YOU.

7) You are the emotionally healthy one in this scenario.  I applaud you for your emotional fortitude to recognize the kookiness of this situation.

Considerations:

1) Decide right now that you will never tolerate either verbal or physical abuse from your father again. Period.

2) Call your parents and tell them, very firmly, that until they can ensure/guarantee your physical safety, you cannot be around them. Do this via phone so your father is not within physical proximity to you.

3) Tell your mother that her stance in protecting your father is also not acceptable to you. She certainly has the prerogative to side with him – but you do not. Say something like: “Mom, I don’t understand why you put the burden on me of keeping the family together. You know dad is both verbally and physically abusive. I will no longer tolerate his behavior. If he ever hits me again, I will call the police and file charges. For my own mental and physical welfare, I cannot be around him unless he can guarantee my safety.”

4) Regarding your father’s financial support. If he attempts to use financial control by threatening to stop assistance you may say something like: “Dad, that’s your choice to use your money however you want. I will be disappointed if you discontinue helping me with my college endeavors. However, I will not continue to put myself at risk – emotionally or physically – to ensure financial aid.”

5) Annie, you have the right to protect yourself. Your email suggests you already know this, you just need validation; so here it is: STOP! Do not allow your father to verbally or physically abuse you. He needs help. He has huge impulse control and anger issues. You’re an adult now and safe. You do not have to tolerate him or anyone ever hurting you again.

Good luck!

By: Suzanne Maiden 

Sometimes we go through the motions of life and all seems well.  We can honestly say we experience relative happiness, contented relationships, and what many would identify as “a good life.”  What happens, then when something comes along and tips the proverbial apple cart?  What now must be metaphorically picked up, examined, and kept or tossed? 

What happens when ‘the other’ enters our realm of awareness and everything is somehow different.  Suddenly the intensity of the connection feels palpable.  In my clinical work with couples, it is amazing how often couples report this phenomenon.  When an attraction is so intense, so electrified, so mind-blowing, it is seldom one-sided.  Although, it certainly can be for various reasons, e.g. someone fantasizes about a movie star, or athlete… or simply, no reciprocity exists.  But that is not of  what I speak.  What happens when, without warning, the other presents themself into your life - and the longing for the other occurs.

As a therapist, this is a common, very common situation.  I’ve written about projection and how that certainly influences to whom we are attracted.  Projection is the inner opposite inner gender we each have; if we cannot easily access it ourselves, we end up projecting it onto someone who holds a very good likeness to our inner opposite.  But, as my beloved, late professor, Dorothy Boswell said, “Ah, but with projection there still must be a hook to hang it on.”  What she meant was that the way in which we see the other, while much of it is filtered through our projection, pieces of our perception are in fact valid.  For me, projection does not answer everything.  Clients express longing for ‘the other’ in every possible way, sexually, playfully, heart-fully, and soulfully.

What is behind the intensity of this longing for the other?  Does it result from boredom? From an existing dull or unhappy marriage or partnership?  Does one long for the other so they can get rescued them from something they themselves feel incapable of doing?  This would certainly provide a nice and tidy answer.  And, sometimes exploring the various possible scenarios with clients, they recognize the motivation for their longing.  But, I’ve experienced the opposite with clients too.  What if the answer to the above is a resolute ”no.”  What if life seemed good, solid, secure and certain until the other appeared?  What if this longing for the other is more about the soul’s work being continued?  What if the Universe opened the door to the other for mutual soul growth?  Possible? 

I believe we always have free will and never obligated to follow an exact path.  Eventually we learn the lessons we need, one way or another for the soul’s advancement.  And yet, what then is the purpose of such intense feelings when one longs for the other?  I do not have an answer.  I only know that the intensity of longing for the other is as real as any other sense.  Because sometimes when the proverbial apple cart gets toppled there may be resistance to placing the apples back as before.  They no longer fit.     

By: Suzanne Maiden

The sublime power of sex; heightened sensual sensations, aroused emotions, the divine expression of love, the final crescendo culminating in physical ecstasy is a true spiritual gift. I recently had a lengthy conversation with a young person regarding the distinction between what we termed ‘physical maintenance’ vs. making love. I was so struck by this person’s eloquence and ability to language such profound feelings. This young male longed for the union he formerly experienced with another. He had access to others, and indeed acted upon their sexual willingness to provide him with ‘physical maintenance.’ But, his experience, in his final analysis, felt barely more than any other physical task one does to maintain the body.

Our dialogue intrigued me. I pondered his emotional longing to sexually express his most tender feelings to another – not just any other but the other. As a psychotherapist, I am very comfortable discussing sexuality. However seemingly odd or culturally aberrant one’s fantasies appear, I’m not squeamish. I am fascinated how sexual fantasies become activated. But, that is a different essay.

I realized, even for many young people, meaningful sex is much more the objective than orgasm. Meaningful sex is the closest way we can go beyond the human condition. The physical connection through sexual intercourse accesses the sacred, the celestial, and the divine ~ in this manner we transcend from physical beings to spiritual. Spiritual ecstasy is when we glimpse the other side with our lover. Through powerful and meaningful sexual union we cross the portal.

When sexual intercourse is seen from this context – an attempt to cross the threshold into spiritual ecstasy, then it is understandable why everyone seeks it. The issue arises when one misinterprets their sexual appetites as merely primal, when in fact they really search for something so much more profound. Casual sex encounters, I postulate, are really misguided attempts to connect with the divine.

Because our culture is uncomfortable with openly discussing sexuality, people acquire false beliefs around sex. Some people end up bumbling around for decades having multiple partners, they get physical maintenance through immediate sexual satisfaction – but the question remains, is it enough? Is the experience life-sustaining? I believe the multiple-partner person actually seeks a sexual union with the other in an effort to transcend them towards spiritual ecstasy. I believe each of us desperately wants to open our divine gift of sexual intimacy which will transcend us to spiritual ecstasy.

By: Suzanne Maiden

None of us know when will die.  Most of us don’t know how we will die.  When someone has a catastrophic disease, this awareness is acutely activated.  I am living on borrowed time.  I am a two-time cancer survivor.  For whatever reason, my body grows deadly tumors.  So far, my oncologist has successfully cut them out; he has been able to do this because the tumors were not attached to any significant needed-to-live organs.  Continue reading →

By: Suzanne Maiden

When your partner is in recovery for substance abuse for either drugs or alcohol or both, the supporting partner should abstain.  Period.  I know many couples who have a partner in recovery and continue to use, specifically alcohol.  I hear, “Why should I stop drinking?  I’m not the alcoholic?” I do not understand this attitude.

I thoroughly enjoy drinking wine.  I especially enjoy fine wine.  I enjoy the buzz and relaxing with friends.  But, if my partner had issues with alcohol – I would never drink again.  I would give up my love of wine.  Why?  Because, I would never want my partner to taste wine on my lips, or smell it on my breath, or do anything that could contribute to their relapse.  I would behaviorally convey that we’re a team.  My partner’s sustained remission would be so paramount to me that I would permanently adapt my behavior. I know my provocative position will elicit a prickly response in many people.  I get it.  And, you may say, “If you’ve never had a partner in recovery then you don’t know what you would do.”  True enough.  It’s always easy to make righteous judgments full of bravado until you walk in that path.  But, I would like to think that my partner’s recovery would be such a priority for me, and for us as a couple, that I would willingly forgo alcohol.  I would like to think that my love for them would trump any temporary use of mind altering substances that I formerly enjoyed.  I am also speaking from the assumption that I am not addicted and have to ability to discontinue at will. 

The bottom line:  If your partner is in recovery, or reached sustained remission, and you still use that substance, ask yourself:

• What do I “need” from the substance?
• Am I metaphorically flipping my finger in a passive-aggressive stance at my partner and thinking: “Ha! I can do it but you can’t?”
• Does my partner want me to stop, but I don’t?
• Do I minimize the impact of my use on my partner?
• Am I addicted either physically or emotionally to that substance? 
• Am I subconsciously sabotaging my partner’s recovery?  For example, often the sober partner has more control over the addict and is  not in a big hurry to help them heal.  They don’t want to give up their power and control in the relationship. 

These are tough questions.  And, they need to be honestly answered if you continue to use while your partner is in recovery.  If you answer “yes” to any of the above, find a competent therapist who specializes in addictions, and/or attend ALANON meetings.  Help yourself better understand your resistance – it will only serve to increase the probability that your relationship survives… if you want.

 

 Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Dear Zanny:

So I woke up at 6:30 this morning to find my husband at the kitchen table already working. It is rare for him to be up this early, and even rarer for him to be working so soon, so I asked him what’s up. He says he’s been up since 5 AM because he had a bad dream about me. I know what’s coming… I’m supposed to go to Lake Tahoe tomorrow for a girl’s weekend. I’ve been hesitant about it since we planned it because my husband is EXTREMELY jealous. I was worried that Tahoe might present too many “threats” (i.e. there might be a man at the slot machine next to me). We have been going to counseling for the last couple of months, but we haven’t even gotten to the jealousy issue.

Anyway, the dream he had was about me “talking” to another man in a flirty way. He says he trusts me to act responsible, but I know he doesn’t. Now I want to cancel the trip (there are other factors too, like $$, childcare) just because I don’t want to deal with him perceiving something that isn’t really there (like there might be a man in the background of a picture we take!).

It’s so frustrating because I have never cheated on him, or any man for that matter. His issues are too long to mention here (hence the counseling)… My question is, how many of you have jealous husbands and how do you deal? I feel trapped.

Dear Trapped:

No wonder you feel trapped!  You’re a prisoner in your own marriage.  First, if you only get one thing out of this response, get this:  Your husband’s jealousy has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.  His insecurities sound very deeply rooted.  I am curious why “We’ve been going to counseling for the last couple of months, but haven’t even gotten to the jealousy issue.”  Why not?  It is clearly a huge issue for you both.  It’s normal for a spouse to feel tinges of jealousy or possessiveness at different times during a marriage – we all have our insecurities.  But what you describe here crosses from within normal range to neurotic.  His neurotic jealousy is not healthy for him, your children, or YOU. 

I. Answer first part of your question:  “How many people have jealous husbands?” A lot!  Many people have jealous spouses.  People handle their partner’s possessiveness in various ways - depending on how extreme their neurosis is.  Some partners verbally reassure the insecure partner that all is well, and it will suffice.  Other partners have to “prove” their loyalty in small ways – especially when there has been a rupture in the relationship, such as an affair, substance abuse, or other issues, this is normal.  But what you describe is not normal.

II. Answer second part of your question:  “How do you deal?”  You have several choices:

1) Continue in therapy but bring this topic up next session – no excuses!

2) Decide what you believe is fair and within normal limits of your personal freedom, be very concrete and clear, then stick to it.  For example, “Tom, I’m going to Lake Tahoe with my girlfriends like we discussed.  I am not doing anything to jeopardize our marriage, or anything I would be resistant to sharing with you. I need you to support me and trust me.”   

3) Get into individual therapy for additional support to help you navigate through this difficult terrain.

4) Leave the marriage.  I don’t say this lightly, but if your spouse cannot loosen his neurotic grip you owe it to yourself to save yourself and your children. 

Remember, every relationship is negotiable, and re-negotiable.  You are 50% of your marriage and you have rights not only as a spouse, but as a human being.  Don’t cave into someone’s neurotic demands.  It may be hard to hold your ground, but in the long run it’s so much healthier for the family unit as a whole. Good Luck!

Swiss psychiatrist, C.G. Jung, talked extensively about the projection of one’s anima/animus - our inner opposite gender.  When we meet our animus (the inner male for women) or anima (inner female for men) - it’s instant kinetic attraction.  My God, you will feel it like a tsunami.  You will find yourself fantasizing about them in every sense.  You may not understand why they have an emotional grip around your very being.  What is happening to me, you ask?  Congratulations, you’ve just encountered your own inner anima/animus.  What is the composition of your particular anima/animus?  Ask yourself:  What does my ideal lover look like, sound like, what kind of job do they have, what type of style clothing do they wear, what does their energy feel like?  Continue reading →

 

 Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Dear Zanny:

I was wondering if there are any other mommies here that have lost a baby.  My daughter was born still on June 1st and I am slowly getting back into my normal routine.  I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar and how they handled the situation.  I have a son who is almost 18 months and I am trying to make his life seem like nothing happened but it is proving to be more difficult.  Any suggestions?

Dear Bereaved Mom:

First, let me say how very, very sorry I am for the death of your child.  Losing a child is the most difficult death to grieve.  Period.  The expectation of a baby’s arrival brings such joy - and then to have your beloved baby die is heart-wrenching.  That you daughter was stillborn you probably have many questions, and even less answers.  I bet the number one word you utter is, “Why?”  Continue reading →

“To know all, is to understand all.”  That’s a Zanny-ism.  A Zanny-ism is an original quote by me.  They may not be brilliant, but they will be practical and applicable to most people.  So, one thing I know for sure is: when you know all the pieces of information, everything else makes sense.  It all fits together.  As a Family Therapist, I see the dynamic over and over again.  Often what a client tells me doesn’t quite all fit together.  I sense something is missing - but even after repeated questioning, the client may sit across from me and shake their head in denial that they’ve provided every piece of information.  Now, the client may not always be aware or have conscious memory of certain events.  I am here to validate repressed memory in clients is very, very real.  The human capacity for such superior cognitive sophistication blows my mind away!  As a therapist, it’s a trip to witness.  Not every client intentionally withholds.  But some do for various motives and when the truth is eventually divulged, it’s an “ah-ha” moment for me.

How can you apply this knowledge?  When you try to figure someone or some situation out - but keep hitting a dead end - it’s almost always because you do not have all of the information.  Even when someone swears they are telling you everything.  Because, when you have all of the information, then the rest of the puzzle makes sense.  It finally all fits together in a very logical way.  When something does not add up, ask yourself what the mostly likely piece of the scenario could be missing.  Even if it it is unlikely and sounds far fetched - you’re probably close to the truth.      

 

 Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Marion from WI left a vm.  Marion was told by a trusted friend that another friend’s kid is involved in high risk behaviors.  What should she do?  If you want to listen to my podcast, click to the left of this screen and play.

Dear Marion:

1) Ask yourself what is your goal?  Once you define your goal, it shapes your course of action.

2) If your goal is to intervene on the kid’s behalf - you will probably disclose to the parent.

3) Before you tell the parents you should ask parent, “If I know something about one of your kids/family members that’s potentially dangerous to them, would you want to know?” Most parents say “yes.” 

4) Pick a time that the parent will have time to process information, e.g., they’re not on the way to work, or other commitment.

5) Remind the parent that you trust your source - and your goal is to intervene so the kid stops whatever high risk behavior/s they are doing.

6) You have to realize not all parents will be receptive to your information.  Your disclosure may cost you the friendship - is that OK?

7) After you disclose to the parent ask how you can help, for example, if it’s substance abuse you can easily get a 10-panel UDS (urine drug screen) that tests for 10 major drug categories.  Your family physician may have them, or you can order on-line.  They’re inexpensive, easy to use and accurate.

Lastly, sometimes doing the right thing is difficult.  I applaud you, Marion, for caring enough to think this through thoroughly.  Good Luck! 

My God  - the ecstasy and agony of love.  Have you ever been addicted to a lover?  How do you know?  Have you ever felt your knees shake, your heart race, tongue-tied, or faint at the sight of them?  Have you broken up and gotten back together - over and over again?  If you can answer “yes” to any of those… you’re an addict.  A former client of mine struggled ending a toxic 10-year marriage.  She and her husband had seperated numerous times and always ended up back in bed together, reuniting and then the cycle began again.   She eventually filed for divorce, and followed through, although the invisible pull towards him was powerful.  I could identify with her torn feelings and broken spirit.

I was addicted to someone once…  I’ll call him “John” - it was the only time in my life when I experienced ”love at first sight” - it was mutual.  We were together for several years.  Our affair was intensely passionate, terribly toxic and dysfunctional, and we were both miserable when we were apart.  Continue reading →