Entries Tagged 'Behaviors' ↓

 

 Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Marion from WI left a vm.  Marion was told by a trusted friend that another friend’s kid is involved in high risk behaviors.  What should she do?  If you want to listen to my podcast, click to the left of this screen and play.

Dear Marion:

1) Ask yourself what is your goal?  Once you define your goal, it shapes your course of action.

2) If your goal is to intervene on the kid’s behalf - you will probably disclose to the parent.

3) Before you tell the parents you should ask parent, “If I know something about one of your kids/family members that’s potentially dangerous to them, would you want to know?” Most parents say “yes.” 

4) Pick a time that the parent will have time to process information, e.g., they’re not on the way to work, or other commitment.

5) Remind the parent that you trust your source - and your goal is to intervene so the kid stops whatever high risk behavior/s they are doing.

6) You have to realize not all parents will be receptive to your information.  Your disclosure may cost you the friendship - is that OK?

7) After you disclose to the parent ask how you can help, for example, if it’s substance abuse you can easily get a 10-panel UDS (urine drug screen) that tests for 10 major drug categories.  Your family physician may have them, or you can order on-line.  They’re inexpensive, easy to use and accurate.

Lastly, sometimes doing the right thing is difficult.  I applaud you, Marion, for caring enough to think this through thoroughly.  Good Luck! 

My God  - the ecstasy and agony of love.  Have you ever been addicted to a lover?  How do you know?  Have you ever felt your knees shake, your heart race, tongue-tied, or faint at the sight of them?  Have you broken up and gotten back together - over and over again?  If you can answer “yes” to any of those… you’re an addict.  A former client of mine struggled ending a toxic 10-year marriage.  She and her husband had seperated numerous times and always ended up back in bed together, reuniting and then the cycle began again.   She eventually filed for divorce, and followed through, although the invisible pull towards him was powerful.  I could identify with her torn feelings and broken spirit.

I was addicted to someone once…  I’ll call him “John” - it was the only time in my life when I experienced ”love at first sight” - it was mutual.  We were together for several years.  Our affair was intensely passionate, terribly toxic and dysfunctional, and we were both miserable when we were apart.  Continue reading →

 

 Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Listener email:

Dear Zanny - I have listened since almost day one to the Divas and was so glad to hear you are doing this show… I value your advice!

My background is a Bachelor of Science in Family Relations and Child Development. I worked counseling parents of disabled or delayed children birth to three and coordinating special services for their children for almost 10 years. My ‘specialty’ was micro premature babies…

I have been with my husband since 10/2000 and we were married 5/02. He was a confirmed bachelor when we met – he is 10 years my senior (I am 33) and I had to threaten him I would break off our relationship if we did not get married – and he ‘caved in’ and we married the following May. I was hearing my ‘clock ticking’ since I wanted two children and I knew with his age he would want children sooner than later or we’d miss that window. I know now I should have left him and found another – but I did not. I was burned in my first marriage by a cheating man and divorced him prior to graduating college. I dated a high school sweetheart almost a year and he did pretty much the same thing. I found my husband through a dating service (this is before Match.com and such!) and liked him since he was OPPOSITE my other ‘men’ I had dated/married. He was a civil engineer, quiet, did not like to socialize. I know I did this out of fear of a cheating man. But I did it any way. Continue reading →

I watched him get out of a new pick-up truck.  He wore a black Harley-Davidson t-shirt and blue jeans with scuffed brown leather boots with rounded toes.  His slicked-backed silver hair matched the several ounces of sterling jewelry that adorned his beefy frame.  His face, from what I could see of it, under the gray sunglasses, looked younger than his hair suggested.  He walked towards me, unsmiling.  I was fighting to lift a filled cooler of ice and beer into the back of my Jeep Wrangler.  I purchased cold drinks for my brother and his fiance who were in the middle of do-it-yourself-move into their new home.  The thermometer read 90 and the humidity made my curly hair exponentially expand.  It was a typical Georgia summer day.  Warm sweat trickled down my spine.  Maybe my all white athletic shorts and fitted t-shirt wasn’t the best choice - I felt like a wilted flower.  He walked closer.  

Continue reading →

 

 Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Listener wrote: 

Dear Zanny,
My husband attended a party the other night with some friends that are much younger than he is. - I have never met these people.. They next morning I had to use his cell phone because our home phone’s battery died, and found a picture of 2 girls making out.. I was furious.. He did not understand why i was so upset.. Did i overreact? was this really no big deal????

Thanks!

Dear Furious:

You’re entitled to feel however you do.  You don’t need my permission, or anyone else’s to validate your feelings.  The assumption is your husband took these photos, right?  Well, what are the expectations in your marriage?  What are the general rules and boundaries?  Remember, everything and every relationship is negotiable. 

 Suggestions:

1) Tell you husband you need to talk with him about his and ask him when a good time would be - let him name the time.  Never is not an option.

2) Calmly tell you husband why you find these photos upsetting.  Use the “I feel ________, when you _____________, and what I need from you is ___________________” strategy to help him avoid becoming defensive, then you both emotionally escalate which results in a dead end.  Stay calm.

3) Emphasize that marriage is a team and this type of behavior does not positively contribute to the success of your team.  Re-evaluate, together, what expectations you both have in this relationship.  This sounds obvious, but we get stuck in a rut and forget to renegotiate the rules and name the ‘deal breakers.’

4) If your spouse continues to engage in behaviors that are incongruent with your mutually agreed upon standards - get a good Therapist. 

Lastly, even if he is unwilling to attend couples counseling, go by yourself to get the support and validation you need.  Your husband’s behavior may be a one-time no-big-deal event, or it could be the first red flag that your marriage has some issues.  If you begin counseling, your spouse will know you’re serious, and many times the resistant partner will eventually begin to participate.  Either way, a skilled therapist can help give your relationship a tune-up and get back on track.

Thanks for sharing your story.  Good luck!  

 

 Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Listener email: 

 ”Dear Zanny,
Lately I feel like I am going insane. I live in one of the best cities in the world (New York), however, I am not happy here.

I have a husband who loves me, but we don’t always get along as well as we should. I seem to let his little quirks irritate me. I let it show, and we end up fighting over it. Yet, we go on vacation every year to some place nice, take a couple long weekends per year ( again to some place nice), eat at the best restaurants, see Broadway shows and still I feel like I was happier when I was single living alone in a smaller city. He blames me for us not having friends, yet, we knew no one upon moving here 4 years ago, and meeting other couples is hard, in my opinion. I am not a big socializer, don’t really enjoy meeting new people but I am open to it.

I also despise my job. It is a small office and I avoid my co workers like the plague. It is cliquey, and full of two faced people who talk about you behind your back. It is a lost cause, because of my horrible attitude and complete utter disregard for my peers and management, I feel like I will be fired before I am able to get a new job. I think they keep me because I come to work every day, and am cross trained on all the different functions we do. I get paid fairly well, have benefits, and a decent 401k.

I know most people would love to be in my shoes, but really, I’ve been much happier on the past. I feel like I owe it to my husband to stick this out. If I were to leave I’d be starting from zero and he would be devastated. Thoughts?

Thanks Zanny, enjoy your show.

Signed,
Spoiled little brat in NYC

Sent from my iPod”

Dear Spoiled little brat in NYC:

You don’t sound spoiled to me…  you do sound depressed.  Generally speaking, when someone presents with a similar situation, one of the first question a therapist would ask is:  Do these symptoms result from a situational event, or an underlying medical condition?  A good clinician always rules out medical possibilities because the best therapy in the world won’t cure an underlying medical condition.  Continue reading →

 

 Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

How far do we go for our friends?  What are the boundaries when we’ve had life long buddies?  Yikes, always a tough one.  I believe in loyalty to a fault with friends, and covering “their six” in most situations - except when kids are involved.  Listen to Beth’s dilema as to whether or not she should testify in court for her friend when she knows her friend has lied…

I prefer voice mails because it makes the show more interesting, but emails are great too. Listen and leave me a voice mail!

*Talk To Me!  Call me: 678-884-0524, or Listen by cell phone: 1-801-823-1125 

Email me:  Zanny@DearZanny.com.  Do you need relationship advice?  Call Zanny. Let’s talk!  Help make this show more interesting by leaving a voice mail.  

*Disclaimer:  Dear Zanny is for entertainment purposes only.  Any advice suggestions are never intented to substitute proffessional help.  For legal reasons, I will not answer e-mails directly but will use them on a future show so listen and subscribe to have DZ automagically delivered to you.

EMAIL: Beth wrote: 

I love your new podcast!! I heard about it from the Diva Cast and thought I would have a listen.  Well today at work, I caught up on all your episodes (Dear Zanny). I can correlate some of your advice to other events in my life (the cat and mouse and projection of your own feelings of yourself onto other), so I thought I would e-mail with my current dilemma.I have a close friend of 20+ years (since grade school) who is going through a very nasty divorce and custody battle. She has lied about a lot of things (to avoid visitation, etc), done things that I don’t agree with her other children, had her boyfriend move in with us and more…We were roommates (her, me and a total of 7 kids, OY!) and we had a falling out about a bunch of stuff and decided to not extend our lease. 

Well, when I moved out, someone told the custody evaluator that I moved because her boyfriend moved in (which she tells the courts he is not living there, and not her bf),  and that I was frightened for my kids life…. Which is one of the major factors they are considering and now suggesting full custody go to the Dad. Continue reading →

Eckhart Tolle’s new book, A New Earth, is wreaking havoc with some conservative Christians - some of whom are my friends.  I purchased the book on my return trip from Aruba.  I devoured Tolle’s book in the 3.5 hour flight.  I underlined, starred, and made marginalia notes.  I felt elated seeing Tolle’s very well-written thoughts regarding Ego, being present, and one’s life purpose.  Tolle quotes many great minds including C.G. Jung, and Christ.  What a gift Tolle gave to the planet!

I was excited to share this book with my friends.  So I did.  I feel sad to see so much resistance to this literature.  It smacks of antiquated and arrogant censorship - cloaked in Christianity.  What, please educate me, is wrong with reading, discussing, boisterously-but-respectfully sharing differences of thought?  Doesn’t mindful contemplation serve to expand knowledge and either confirm or change one’s opinion?  How can we grow as spiritual beings if we don’t explore other perspectives?  Some myopic Christians actually think Tolle’s book is the work of the anti-Christ!  God help us.

I for one, consciously choose to remain open to many paths.  I identity myself as a Christian, because I do believe Christ was the Messiah.  BUT, I also integrate many other religions into my way of viewing the world - such as Eastern philosophies.   

I don’t ask you to love Tolle’s book the way I do.  I ask that tolerance prevail, and we not be so quick to discount such work because it doesn’t fit in within our spiritual box.  It’s time to take off the lid and expand our consciousness - or at least tolerate others who do. 

Finding out that a loved one suicided is like being hit by an emotional tsunami.  The aftershock and devastation to loved ones left behind is gut-wrenching.  A listener emailed and asked for resources.  Here is the best in the nation:

1) The Link Counseling Center - phone: 404-256-9797, email: www.thelink.org.  The Link was founded by Iris Bolton who wrote, My Son, My Son, after her son suicided.  Iris has devoted the last 30 years of her life to helping others heal.

2) Compassionate Friends (CF) - www.compassionatefriends.ca is a national resource for bereaved parents who have lost a child at any age for any cause.  Go to either The Link or CF website to find a local chapter near you.

3) Suicide Crisis Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 

Always take the mention of suicide seriously!  Listen to this podcast for more suggestions on what to do.

It’s all about sex. Really. Years ago as an early psychology student I read something about Sigmund Freud that always stuck with me. Freud was overheard at a cocktail party when he claimed that all of people’s neurosis manifested from some type of sexual issues. Yep. I found it interesting, but didn’t believe it. Now, as a practicing Family Therapist, I get it. Continue reading →

I wrote my thesis on SIB (Self Injurious Behavior) - it’s a topic close to my heart.  No, I’ve never been a “cutter.” But I love someone who engages in this behavior.  Cutters are on the increase.  I am a Family Therapist and 90% of my adolescent clients currently cut, or have experimented with it.  Yep.  What do they look like?  They look like kids you would see at your local coffee shop.  They are “A” students, varsity sport players, church youth leaders, and high achievers.  They typically abstain from recreational drug use.  So, WHY?  Why do these seemingly all-American kids cut themselves?

Continue reading →

How many times have you angrily erupted and the recipient looks at you like you’ve just grown two heads?  What’s up with that?  This displaced anger or “over reaction” is nearly always a sign that your emotional tank is too full.  Sometimes if your erupt at someone, it doesn’t have anything to do with them specifically - that is when your feelings/anger is “displaced.”  Other times, the person you spew verbal vomit has just ticked you off for the laaaaaaaasssst time!  Maybe their comment was innocent, but it held just enough toxic energy to trigger you - like the match to the powder keg. 

 This is when you need to step back and self-examine why your emotional barometer is pegged to the max.  We all do it, have done it, and (I for sure) will end up doing it again.  It’s definitely time for emotional introspection so you can address the real cause of your anger. 

 

 Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Kim from TX sends an email to TheDivaCast.com first, and we (The Divas) agreed that it was better responded to by me, Zanny. Kim has been married for 5 years to “a wonderful father, a good provider, and a life partner…” but his fatal flaw is the verbal abuse he spews, sometimes daily, at Kim. She has tried various tactics to entice him to change his behavior. Nothing has worked. What needs to happen now?

Talk To Me! Call me: 678-884-0524, or Listen by cell phone: 1-801-823-1125

Email me: Zanny@DearZanny.com. Do you need relationship advice? Call Zanny. Let’s talk!

Zanny

Disclaimer: Dear Zanny is for entertainment purposes only. Any advice offered is never intented to substitute proffessional help.

It is Easter morning - a day Christians observe Christ’s resurrection.  Many families around the world will be together.  Some people are eager and willing while others join their family of origin with tense trepidation.  If you experience increasing anxiety over family get-togethers, you are normal. 

Most families have some level of dysfunctional behaviors and long standing patterns which nobody challenges.  As adult children returning to the nest, we often revert back to being the child and engaging in the same neurotic behaviors and feeling like we are adolescents - or younger.  How do you cope with a forced family function?  Have a game plan before you go. Continue reading →