Entries Tagged 'Grief' ↓
August 21st, 2008 — Self Care, Grief
By: Suzanne Maiden
Another plane crash. One hundred-fifty-three are dead, and thousands begin to grieve. Broken hearts bleed as pieces of mangled bodies and bits of aircraft parts are “bagged and tagged” and carried off to a make-shift morgue. Unfortunately, I am a card carrying member of the ‘losing a loved one to an aviation disaster’ club.
On October 31, 1994 American Eagle flight 4184 carried a full load of passengers. They were destined for Chicago-O’Hare but due to traffic congestion and weather, air traffic control diverted the ATR-72 turboprop to Roselawn, IN. Twenty some minutes later, the aircraft began “…rapidly rotating at more than 50 degrees of bank per second, the aircraft was on its back…G forces exceeded two and one-half times normal. The aircraft dropped more than 600 feet every second. G forces reached 5.2…the outer 10 feet of both wings and the horizontal tail separated from the airliner. The last voice heard on the black box was the pilot who said, ‘Aw, shit!’ as the aircraft smashed to the ground and disintegrated into pieces.” (Stephen Frederick, 1996, Unheeded Warning, p. 47)
My brother, Rob McMillin, aged 37 years, was on that plane. He was returning early from a business meeting in an attempt to take his two sons, Douglas and Jamey, aged 5 and 3 years, respectively, trick-or-treating for Halloween. We did not know only pieces of his foot and torso would return to us in a sealed casket weeks later.
As a practicing psychotherapist, bereavement is one of my clinical specialties. This is a very condensed version of what you need to know if you or someone you care about is grieving:
- Generally, it takes about 24 months to regain emotional equilibrium from a loved one’s sudden death. This doesn’t mean ‘healed’ – it means you can begin to function with a relative sense of normalcy.
- Sudden death typically is a more complicated type of grief to navigate. This means, the process is amplified and extended vs. anticipatory death.
- Get support. Identify support groups in your area and go, or if you’re not a group person, get a therapist who specializes in bereavement. Call a local hospice for suggestions of locations and therapists. People erroneously assume that family members can support them – unlikely. Family members have their own emotional work to do.
- Allow yourself to grieve! You cannot outrun, anesthetize, or forget your pain. I tried. Grief will haunt you in very insidious ways. You’ve got to work it, work it, work it. Be conscious of your pain; acknowledge how this loss impacts every aspect of your being. Allow yourself a set aside time to process, then it’s OK to put it mentally away for a short period. The grieving process is like a marathon, not a sprint. Pace yourself.
- Suicidal thoughts are normal and especially peak around the 9 month post incident point. It’s a very predictable pattern. Don’t try to handle these powerful emotions by yourself. Tell a trusted friend and get help!
- Engage in comforting rituals. Plant a tree, talk aloud to your loved one, create photo albums, celebrate their life in whatever ways feel meaningful. I baked my brother his favorite birthday cake every year. I sloshed around in his grey leather dock-siders for months – even though they were too big, I loved seeing where his feet molded the worn leather.
- Ambivalent feelings are normal. You will experience idolizing your loved one to being very angry with them. This is so normal. Don’t wallow in guilt if you (eventually) feel pissed off at them for dying. You’re normal.
- Eliminate Emotional Parasites. If there are people in your life that drain you, e.g. emotional vampires – disengage from them. This may be a permanent change or temporary. Honor your feelings. Grief takes exhorbanant amounts of emotional energy. Don’t allow someone to parasitically feed off of you. Protect your energy supply.
The above are overly brief suggestions from my unfinished manuscript on grief. If you have questions, please leave me a vm at: 678-884-0524. Don’t suffer alone, or try to navigate through the terrain of grief solo – get support!
August 2nd, 2008 — Self Care, Personal News, Grief
by: Suzanne Maiden
My body is no longer beautiful. I am disfigured. Cancer surgery to remove a fist-sized tumor that attached itself to my lower spine, hip, and back of my stomach muscle - left my body rearranged. What a humbling, deflating reality. My right hip is significantly bigger than my left because the surgeon stuffed “live” tissue into the gaping hole the tumor left. Who knew you just can’t take a big tumor out without replacing it with something else? The doctor took my right stomach muscle and wrapped if over the hip area. And, because I don’t have that muscle anymore, the right side of my stomach sticks out more than the left.
When I wear dresses or skirts, the right hem is always higher than the left side. I look like I’m constantly standing with my left knee bent and right hip jutting out. I’m cockeyed. For someone who loves clothes this really stinks. Of course, I could pay to have everything altered. It’s a cruel twist to be robbed of something you’ve kept up and taken care of. But the oxymoron is it must be exactly what I needed. Continue reading →
July 26th, 2008 — Behaviors, Kids, Grief, Podcast
Dear Zanny:
I was wondering if there are any other mommies here that have lost a baby. My daughter was born still on June 1st and I am slowly getting back into my normal routine. I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar and how they handled the situation. I have a son who is almost 18 months and I am trying to make his life seem like nothing happened but it is proving to be more difficult. Any suggestions?
Dear Bereaved Mom:
First, let me say how very, very sorry I am for the death of your child. Losing a child is the most difficult death to grieve. Period. The expectation of a baby’s arrival brings such joy - and then to have your beloved baby die is heart-wrenching. That you daughter was stillborn you probably have many questions, and even less answers. I bet the number one word you utter is, “Why?” Continue reading →
June 18th, 2008 — Family, Grief, Podcast
Tim Russert, aged 58, died this week of a cornonry emoblism. I always liked him - he seemed like a really nice and decent man. Lolita S. emailed and wanted to know why his death feels so painful to her when she never met him. If you have felt this way, ask yourself: “How is this situation similar to something I’ve experienced before?” Think hard. Your answer will give you THE answer. Get it? Good! : ) I prefer voice mails because it makes the show more interesting, but emails are great too.Listen and leave me a voice mail!
*Talk To Me! Call me: 678-884-0524, or Listen by cell phone: 1-801-823-1125
Email me: Zanny@DearZanny.com. Do you need relationship advice? Call Zanny. Let’s talk! Help make this show more interesting by leaving a voice mail.
*Disclaimer: Dear Zanny is for entertainment purposes only. Any advice suggestions are never intented to substitute proffessional help. For legal reasons, I will not answer e-mails directly but will use them on a future show so listen and subscribe to have DZ automagically delivered to you
April 13th, 2008 — Behaviors, Relationships, Grief, Podcast
Finding out that a loved one suicided is like being hit by an emotional tsunami. The aftershock and devastation to loved ones left behind is gut-wrenching. A listener emailed and asked for resources. Here is the best in the nation:
1) The Link Counseling Center - phone: 404-256-9797, email: www.thelink.org. The Link was founded by Iris Bolton who wrote, My Son, My Son, after her son suicided. Iris has devoted the last 30 years of her life to helping others heal.
2) Compassionate Friends (CF) - www.compassionatefriends.ca is a national resource for bereaved parents who have lost a child at any age for any cause. Go to either The Link or CF website to find a local chapter near you.
3) Suicide Crisis Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Always take the mention of suicide seriously! Listen to this podcast for more suggestions on what to do.
September 19th, 2007 — Grief, Podcast
Today marks the 6th anniversary of 9/11. Why do we still invest so much time and energy into commemorating the dead? Because sudden death almost always complicates the healing process. Ritual facilitates healing; often when ritual is missing, griever’s get stuck. Rituals don’t have to be expensive or lengthy or involve anyone else. They can be simple but simultaneously so powerful. We will all experience the loss of someone we love.
Zanny’s brother, Rob, was killed in an American Eagle plane crash on Halloween Day, 1994. Nine months later, her mother-in-law, Nelly, was murdered. Zanny is certified from the American Academy of Bereavement as a grief-support group facilitator, she has published her work on grief, and presented to numerous groups and organizations.
Talk To Me! Call me at 678-884-0524.
Email me: Zanny@DearZanny.com. Do you need relationship advice? Call Zanny. Let’s talk!
Blessings to one and all.
love, Zanny
Disclaimer: DearZanny is for entertainment purposes only. Any advice offered is never intended to substitute professional help.
September 6th, 2007 — Grief, Podcast
A caller asks: My dog, Molly, died of cancer several months ago, we were constant companions. I still miss her. My friends and some family members think I’m silly. Am I normal to still feel so sad? Answer: Yes! Pet loss hurts. We become so attached to our beloved animals - regardless what species it may be. However, to rule out if your grief needs some professional intervention, listen to be sure. Talk To Me! Call me at 678-884-0524. Email me: Zanny@DearZanny.com. Do you need relationship advice? Call Zanny. Let’s talk! Blessings to one and all. love, Zanny
September 1st, 2007 — Grief, Podcast
Addendum to previous show. This weekend marks the 10-year anniversary of Princess Diana’s death. How can someone we’ve never met reduce us to tears? Ask yourself: Where have I ever felt this way before? When you can answer that, you will know. Many times, new death resurrects previous losses. So, even when it’s someone you’ve never met before, if it feels similar to previous loss you’ve had - it will touch old wounds and you will get an emotional ZAP! It’s normal.
Talk To Me! Call me at 678-884-0524.
Email me: Zanny@DearZanny.com. Do you need relationship advice? Call Zanny! Let’s talk!
Blessings to one and all.
love, Zanny
August 30th, 2007 — Grief, Podcast
This is the third DearZanny show. This weekend marks the 10-year anniversary of Princess Diana’s death. Why do we still miss her so much? Why do we still get misty-eyed and grieve her loss? One word: PROJECTION. We all project unowned parts of our shadow onto others. Those parts that are too painful or/AND too glorious for us to own we hang them on someone else to carry. Who do you love or despise? Go look in the mirror and ask, “Where do I carry the very same traits?” By owning our projections (don’t forget the beautiful one’s too!), instead of pointing fingers, we can change the world.
Talk To Me! Call me at 678-884-0524.
Email me: Zanny@DearZanny.com. Do you need relationship advice? Call Zanny! Let’s talk!
Blessings to one and all.
love, Zanny
August 28th, 2007 — Grief, Podcast
This is the second DearZanny show. Grief makes us squirm and feel uncomfortable. But what do you do when you’re face to face with a newly bereaved person? Do you pretend it didn’t happen, do you escape ASAP, do you walk the other way?
Talk To Me! Call me at 678-884-0524.
Email me: Zanny@DearZanny.com. You don’t have to worry alone, or try to figure something out by yourself - Let’s talk about it!
Blessings to one and all.
love, Zanny
