The First Relationship Advice Podcast
November 25th, 2008 — Communication, Relationships, Podcast
By: Suzanne Maiden
I had a great time presenting at the Manic Mommies Escape ‘08. I talked about key techniques you can use when communicating with your partner. And, these skills work wonders with your colleagues, bosses, and family members. Try it out and let me know. I’d love to hear your results. Call me: 678-884-0524.
October 22nd, 2008 — Behaviors, Relationships, Podcast
Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | DownloadBy: Suzanne Maiden
I actually ended up recording TWO shows today. Because you expressed such positive energy around this topic - I had to record an addendum to the ‘Random Acts of Kindness: Part 2′ WOW! Your response blows me away. Thank you so much for taking time to leave voice-mails.
I avoided this topic for a long time. This topic feels so personal and deeply private that I would rather disclose other intimate pieces of myself instead of my RAK’s ~ Random Acts of Kindness. I’m not clear why I feel so protective about this part of my life, but I do. What is a RAK? A RAK is Acting Kindly in a Random way. More specifically, I define a RAK as: To spontaneously engage in a selfless act for another without thought of benefit or reward or praise to self.
On my other podcast, TheDivaCast (http://www.TheDivaCast.com), I casually mentioned a recent RAK – and the response was resoundingly favorable. TheDivaCast received emails and voice-mails from listeners who said they were encouraged and inspired to initiate their own RAKs. Listeners expressed so much enthusiasm about ‘passing it on’ that one listener (click in left box listen) challenges all listeners to participate in RAK however possible. Because of the overwhelmingly positive response from listeners, I feel compelled to say more regarding acting randomly with kindness. Here we go.
Many RAK do not involve money. Some RAK may be as small as holding a door open for someone, helping an elderly person load groceries in their car; or not erupting with anger when another driver cuts you off or does something stupid and annoying - respond with a forgiving wave and smile instead. Can you imagine how different the roadways would be?
Other RAK that cost something could include: taking a homeless person for a meal, offering workers a cold beverage, bathroom break, or sandwich, pay for the person behind you in a fast food line, or toll booth. Or, if you see someone using food stamps in the grocery store line, have the cashier add it to your bill, or purchase someone’s prescription drugs. A slightly bigger act is to pay for a (young, or in need) family’s dinner at a restaurant and escape before they know. Several holidays ago, I stood in line and chatted with a newly immigrated Russian woman. She held a single holiday sweater for herself - her first holiday in this country. I purchased it for her and said, “Welcome to America.” This smalll gesture surely didn’t change the world. But, maybe, just maybe, she will remember that moment and it will sustain her belief in human kindness.
Another memorable moment for me, is when I literally gave the sweater off myself to a fellow cancer patient. We both sat and waited for the radiation machine to zap us. This beautiful young girl, Carmen, was terribly thin, and so chilled. She admired my sweater. I took my sweater off and gave it to her. The following week, I walked in with a gift bag filled with new, hip, age-appropriate sweaters for her. She was delighted. The technicians told me she waited for my arrival everyday. Carmen died shortly after. Who received the greater gift? Of course, it was I.
I give money any time someone in need crosses my path. It may be my last $20 - it’s not much; or more if I have it. Again, is this a big deal when I can go to the bank and get more? No. But, I like to think that the act itself perpetuates positive feelings and maybe shifts another’s attitude.
If we just look around, need is everywhere. The idea is to note another’s need and ask yourself, “How can I be of service right now?” Ideally, and when possible, I prefer to do RAK’s anonymously. I don’t hang around for expressions of gratitude. Any public acknowledgement makes me squirm with discomfort and triggers my shyness.
My personal goal is to engage in 1 RAK/day. If I miss a day, I may do something bigger or multiple acts the following. I reiterate, it’s difficult for me to publicly share this piece of myself. I don’t seek affirmation. I do what I do because it is my deepest, highest truth. My efforts are small. I know I’m not some great philanthropist making extraordinary contributions. I think of myself as a spiritual being having a human experience and just doing the best I can each day. I offer my very private RAK concept as one way to simply, selflessly perpetuate global goodwill.
How do you feel about RAK? Do you do RAK? Would you be willing to challenge yourself into engaging in One RAK/day for 1 week? Call me and share your thoughts: 678-884-0524
September 3rd, 2008 — Behaviors, Self Care, Family, Relationships, Podcast
Dear Zanny,Hi, this is Annie from California. I have a very abusive relationship with my father. We usually don’t see middle ground on many things, but the worst thing is that whenever I disagree and provoke his temper, he explodes and abuses me either verbally and/or physically. My dad has called me hopeless, futile, pathetic, fat, dumb and numerous other put downs that I consider unacceptable for a father to say to his daughter. He’s kicked, slapped, and even spit on me on occasions.After a huge blowout, my father would come back to his rational senses and try to apologize, telling me how much he loves me. As a daughter, I forgave him time after time.
However, this last time, I’ve decided I had enough. I’ve been abused way too much to let this happen to me again. I now hardly speak to my dad, and try to avoid being in the same room with him at all times.
Since I am a college student, it is impossible for me to loose all ties with my father, since he is financially responsible for my tuition and my lifestyle. My mom has a hard time with all of this, but she often sides with my father asking if I can forgive my dad again because she hates to see the family so broken up. I love my mom, but I can’t let myself be so vulnerable and abused again. What should I do? I’ve talked to friends and a counselor about this, but nothing has changed. Please help me!
Thanks Zanny.-Annie
Resonse:
1) Your father is an abusive bully who has anger management issues which result in poor impulse control
2) I’m so glad to hear you say that his behavior is unacceptable – that is a healthy response
3) Most children repeatedly will forgive parental abuse, that’s normal because children always want their parents’ approval
4) I am going to challenge you on your thinking. It is NOT impossible for you to cut ties due to his financial help. It’s more difficult to do-it-yourself, and thousands of college students do it every year. Financial aid is available. Go to your college’s financial aide department and begin to explore your options.
5) Regarding your mom: It is her choice to stay with your father, she is an adult and responsible for her own choices. I wonder what she gets from staying? People continue in behavioral patterns in which there is a payoff – what’s hers?
6) YOU are NOT breaking up the family if you do not allow your father to hit, slap, or spit on you. Hold your boundaries. This is a classic blame-the-victim stance. It’s your father’s abuse and your mother’s condoning it, that will impact the family – NOT YOU.
7) You are the emotionally healthy one in this scenario. I applaud you for your emotional fortitude to recognize the kookiness of this situation.
Considerations:
1) Decide right now that you will never tolerate either verbal or physical abuse from your father again. Period.
2) Call your parents and tell them, very firmly, that until they can ensure/guarantee your physical safety, you cannot be around them. Do this via phone so your father is not within physical proximity to you.
3) Tell your mother that her stance in protecting your father is also not acceptable to you. She certainly has the prerogative to side with him – but you do not. Say something like: “Mom, I don’t understand why you put the burden on me of keeping the family together. You know dad is both verbally and physically abusive. I will no longer tolerate his behavior. If he ever hits me again, I will call the police and file charges. For my own mental and physical welfare, I cannot be around him unless he can guarantee my safety.”
4) Regarding your father’s financial support. If he attempts to use financial control by threatening to stop assistance you may say something like: “Dad, that’s your choice to use your money however you want. I will be disappointed if you discontinue helping me with my college endeavors. However, I will not continue to put myself at risk – emotionally or physically – to ensure financial aid.”
5) Annie, you have the right to protect yourself. Your email suggests you already know this, you just need validation; so here it is: STOP! Do not allow your father to verbally or physically abuse you. He needs help. He has huge impulse control and anger issues. You’re an adult now and safe. You do not have to tolerate him or anyone ever hurting you again.
Good luck!
August 22nd, 2008 — Family, Relationships, Podcast
Stephanie from Louisiana called and asked how she can “get over” her spouses previous poor financial decisions that they finally are recovering from. Stephanie can’t “let go” of her spouses mistake and admits she constantly monitors his every move and reminds him of his prior poor judgment. How can she move forward?
Dear Stephanie:
When one partner makes a big mistake in the relationship either via finances, drugs or alcohol, infidelity, or some other infraction - then the innocent partner possesses a golden opportunity to hold the other emotional hostage. What is an emotional hostage? It’s when one partner emphasizes their alleged victimization towards the person behind the violation. The result is the “violator” yields to the “victim’s” every demand.
So, in your case, your husband made poor financial decisions which sounds like it resulted in monetary devastation for you both. You say you’re slowly pulling yourselves out of the hole and achieved relative financial stability. But you have difficulty not holding his past mistake over his head and “watching everything he does.” Your level of trust in the relationship has been damaged. I hear that. It’s normal for a partner to feel apprehensive after the other has used poor judgment. However, it sounds like you may regard yourself as the “victim” and your husband as the “violator.”
The scenario then, plays out in a classic victim-violator dance. The victim insists they have no culpability and constantly reminds the violator: “This is your fault!” The violator often racked with guilt and remorse, acquiesces to the demands of the victim. Now the cycle for emotional hostage is firmly established.
It may feel temporarily good to play out the victim role, and keep the violator in a place of submission, but this dynamic eventually backfires. Why? Because the distribution of power in the relationship is unbalanced and skewed. The violator will tire of always getting cast as the bad guy. He will ultimately rebel, either overtly or passive-aggressively. Either way, it will be ugly.
Suggestions:
Remember, awareness of a dysfunctional relationship dynamic is truly the first step in dismantling it. You can do it! Good luck.
August 4th, 2008 — Behaviors, Family, Relationships, Podcast
Dear Zanny:So I woke up at 6:30 this morning to find my husband at the kitchen table already working. It is rare for him to be up this early, and even rarer for him to be working so soon, so I asked him what’s up. He says he’s been up since 5 AM because he had a bad dream about me. I know what’s coming… I’m supposed to go to Lake Tahoe tomorrow for a girl’s weekend. I’ve been hesitant about it since we planned it because my husband is EXTREMELY jealous. I was worried that Tahoe might present too many “threats” (i.e. there might be a man at the slot machine next to me). We have been going to counseling for the last couple of months, but we haven’t even gotten to the jealousy issue.
Anyway, the dream he had was about me “talking” to another man in a flirty way. He says he trusts me to act responsible, but I know he doesn’t. Now I want to cancel the trip (there are other factors too, like $$, childcare) just because I don’t want to deal with him perceiving something that isn’t really there (like there might be a man in the background of a picture we take!).
It’s so frustrating because I have never cheated on him, or any man for that matter. His issues are too long to mention here (hence the counseling)… My question is, how many of you have jealous husbands and how do you deal? I feel trapped.
Dear Trapped:
No wonder you feel trapped! You’re a prisoner in your own marriage. First, if you only get one thing out of this response, get this: Your husband’s jealousy has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. His insecurities sound very deeply rooted. I am curious why “We’ve been going to counseling for the last couple of months, but haven’t even gotten to the jealousy issue.” Why not? It is clearly a huge issue for you both. It’s normal for a spouse to feel tinges of jealousy or possessiveness at different times during a marriage – we all have our insecurities. But what you describe here crosses from within normal range to neurotic. His neurotic jealousy is not healthy for him, your children, or YOU.
I. Answer first part of your question: “How many people have jealous husbands?” A lot! Many people have jealous spouses. People handle their partner’s possessiveness in various ways - depending on how extreme their neurosis is. Some partners verbally reassure the insecure partner that all is well, and it will suffice. Other partners have to “prove” their loyalty in small ways – especially when there has been a rupture in the relationship, such as an affair, substance abuse, or other issues, this is normal. But what you describe is not normal.
II. Answer second part of your question: “How do you deal?” You have several choices:
1) Continue in therapy but bring this topic up next session – no excuses!
2) Decide what you believe is fair and within normal limits of your personal freedom, be very concrete and clear, then stick to it. For example, “Tom, I’m going to Lake Tahoe with my girlfriends like we discussed. I am not doing anything to jeopardize our marriage, or anything I would be resistant to sharing with you. I need you to support me and trust me.”
3) Get into individual therapy for additional support to help you navigate through this difficult terrain.
4) Leave the marriage. I don’t say this lightly, but if your spouse cannot loosen his neurotic grip you owe it to yourself to save yourself and your children.
Remember, every relationship is negotiable, and re-negotiable. You are 50% of your marriage and you have rights not only as a spouse, but as a human being. Don’t cave into someone’s neurotic demands. It may be hard to hold your ground, but in the long run it’s so much healthier for the family unit as a whole. Good Luck!
July 26th, 2008 — Behaviors, Kids, Grief, Podcast
Dear Zanny:
I was wondering if there are any other mommies here that have lost a baby. My daughter was born still on June 1st and I am slowly getting back into my normal routine. I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar and how they handled the situation. I have a son who is almost 18 months and I am trying to make his life seem like nothing happened but it is proving to be more difficult. Any suggestions?
Dear Bereaved Mom:
First, let me say how very, very sorry I am for the death of your child. Losing a child is the most difficult death to grieve. Period. The expectation of a baby’s arrival brings such joy - and then to have your beloved baby die is heart-wrenching. That you daughter was stillborn you probably have many questions, and even less answers. I bet the number one word you utter is, “Why?” Continue reading →
July 21st, 2008 — Friends, Behaviors, Family, Relationships, Podcast
Marion from WI left a vm. Marion was told by a trusted friend that another friend’s kid is involved in high risk behaviors. What should she do? If you want to listen to my podcast, click to the left of this screen and play.
Dear Marion:
1) Ask yourself what is your goal? Once you define your goal, it shapes your course of action.
2) If your goal is to intervene on the kid’s behalf - you will probably disclose to the parent.
3) Before you tell the parents you should ask parent, “If I know something about one of your kids/family members that’s potentially dangerous to them, would you want to know?” Most parents say “yes.”
4) Pick a time that the parent will have time to process information, e.g., they’re not on the way to work, or other commitment.
5) Remind the parent that you trust your source - and your goal is to intervene so the kid stops whatever high risk behavior/s they are doing.
6) You have to realize not all parents will be receptive to your information. Your disclosure may cost you the friendship - is that OK?
7) After you disclose to the parent ask how you can help, for example, if it’s substance abuse you can easily get a 10-panel UDS (urine drug screen) that tests for 10 major drug categories. Your family physician may have them, or you can order on-line. They’re inexpensive, easy to use and accurate.
Lastly, sometimes doing the right thing is difficult. I applaud you, Marion, for caring enough to think this through thoroughly. Good Luck!
July 14th, 2008 — Self Care, Behaviors, Family, Divorce, Relationships, Podcast
Listener email:
Dear Zanny - I have listened since almost day one to the Divas and was so glad to hear you are doing this show… I value your advice!
My background is a Bachelor of Science in Family Relations and Child Development. I worked counseling parents of disabled or delayed children birth to three and coordinating special services for their children for almost 10 years. My ‘specialty’ was micro premature babies…
I have been with my husband since 10/2000 and we were married 5/02. He was a confirmed bachelor when we met – he is 10 years my senior (I am 33) and I had to threaten him I would break off our relationship if we did not get married – and he ‘caved in’ and we married the following May. I was hearing my ‘clock ticking’ since I wanted two children and I knew with his age he would want children sooner than later or we’d miss that window. I know now I should have left him and found another – but I did not. I was burned in my first marriage by a cheating man and divorced him prior to graduating college. I dated a high school sweetheart almost a year and he did pretty much the same thing. I found my husband through a dating service (this is before Match.com and such!) and liked him since he was OPPOSITE my other ‘men’ I had dated/married. He was a civil engineer, quiet, did not like to socialize. I know I did this out of fear of a cheating man. But I did it any way. Continue reading →
July 7th, 2008 — Behaviors, Family, Relationships, Podcast
Listener wrote:
Dear Zanny,
My husband attended a party the other night with some friends that are much younger than he is. - I have never met these people.. They next morning I had to use his cell phone because our home phone’s battery died, and found a picture of 2 girls making out.. I was furious.. He did not understand why i was so upset.. Did i overreact? was this really no big deal????Thanks!
Dear Furious:
You’re entitled to feel however you do. You don’t need my permission, or anyone else’s to validate your feelings. The assumption is your husband took these photos, right? Well, what are the expectations in your marriage? What are the general rules and boundaries? Remember, everything and every relationship is negotiable.
Suggestions:
1) Tell you husband you need to talk with him about his and ask him when a good time would be - let him name the time. Never is not an option.
2) Calmly tell you husband why you find these photos upsetting. Use the “I feel ________, when you _____________, and what I need from you is ___________________” strategy to help him avoid becoming defensive, then you both emotionally escalate which results in a dead end. Stay calm.
3) Emphasize that marriage is a team and this type of behavior does not positively contribute to the success of your team. Re-evaluate, together, what expectations you both have in this relationship. This sounds obvious, but we get stuck in a rut and forget to renegotiate the rules and name the ‘deal breakers.’
4) If your spouse continues to engage in behaviors that are incongruent with your mutually agreed upon standards - get a good Therapist.
Lastly, even if he is unwilling to attend couples counseling, go by yourself to get the support and validation you need. Your husband’s behavior may be a one-time no-big-deal event, or it could be the first red flag that your marriage has some issues. If you begin counseling, your spouse will know you’re serious, and many times the resistant partner will eventually begin to participate. Either way, a skilled therapist can help give your relationship a tune-up and get back on track.
Thanks for sharing your story. Good luck!
July 6th, 2008 — Behaviors, Self Care, Family, Relationships, Podcast
Listener email:
”Dear Zanny,
Lately I feel like I am going insane. I live in one of the best cities in the world (New York), however, I am not happy here.I have a husband who loves me, but we don’t always get along as well as we should. I seem to let his little quirks irritate me. I let it show, and we end up fighting over it. Yet, we go on vacation every year to some place nice, take a couple long weekends per year ( again to some place nice), eat at the best restaurants, see Broadway shows and still I feel like I was happier when I was single living alone in a smaller city. He blames me for us not having friends, yet, we knew no one upon moving here 4 years ago, and meeting other couples is hard, in my opinion. I am not a big socializer, don’t really enjoy meeting new people but I am open to it.
I also despise my job. It is a small office and I avoid my co workers like the plague. It is cliquey, and full of two faced people who talk about you behind your back. It is a lost cause, because of my horrible attitude and complete utter disregard for my peers and management, I feel like I will be fired before I am able to get a new job. I think they keep me because I come to work every day, and am cross trained on all the different functions we do. I get paid fairly well, have benefits, and a decent 401k.
I know most people would love to be in my shoes, but really, I’ve been much happier on the past. I feel like I owe it to my husband to stick this out. If I were to leave I’d be starting from zero and he would be devastated. Thoughts?
Thanks Zanny, enjoy your show.
Signed,
Spoiled little brat in NYCSent from my iPod”
Dear Spoiled little brat in NYC:
You don’t sound spoiled to me… you do sound depressed. Generally speaking, when someone presents with a similar situation, one of the first question a therapist would ask is: Do these symptoms result from a situational event, or an underlying medical condition? A good clinician always rules out medical possibilities because the best therapy in the world won’t cure an underlying medical condition. Continue reading →
June 18th, 2008 — Family, Grief, Podcast
Tim Russert, aged 58, died this week of a cornonry emoblism. I always liked him - he seemed like a really nice and decent man. Lolita S. emailed and wanted to know why his death feels so painful to her when she never met him. If you have felt this way, ask yourself: “How is this situation similar to something I’ve experienced before?” Think hard. Your answer will give you THE answer. Get it? Good! : ) I prefer voice mails because it makes the show more interesting, but emails are great too.Listen and leave me a voice mail!
*Talk To Me! Call me: 678-884-0524, or Listen by cell phone: 1-801-823-1125
Email me: Zanny@DearZanny.com. Do you need relationship advice? Call Zanny. Let’s talk! Help make this show more interesting by leaving a voice mail.
*Disclaimer: Dear Zanny is for entertainment purposes only. Any advice suggestions are never intented to substitute proffessional help. For legal reasons, I will not answer e-mails directly but will use them on a future show so listen and subscribe to have DZ automagically delivered to you
June 18th, 2008 — Friends, Relationships, Podcast
Amanda from IL left a vm and expressed frustration with her girlfriend - but acknowledged, ”I know it’s me.” Anytime we get a zing from someone - stop, go to the nearest mirror, and look at your reflection. It’s nearly always a projection. What characteristics does that person carry that you either deny in yourself, or feel too inferior to own? It’s normal, you’re human, and - we all do it! Projection is a gift, because it allows us to see what we most need to integrate into our own psyche. It’s all good.
I prefer voice mails because it makes the show more interesting, but emails are great too. Listen and leave me a voice mail!
*Talk To Me! Call me: 678-884-0524, or Listen by cell phone: 1-801-823-1125
Email me: Zanny@DearZanny.com. Do you need relationship advice? Call Zanny. Let’s talk! Help make this show more interesting by leaving a voice mail.
*Disclaimer: Dear Zanny is for entertainment purposes only. Any advice suggestions are never intented to substitute proffessional help. For legal reasons, I will not answer e-mails directly but will use them on a future show so listen and subscribe to have DZ automagically delivered to you.
June 18th, 2008 — Friends, Behaviors, Podcast
How far do we go for our friends? What are the boundaries when we’ve had life long buddies? Yikes, always a tough one. I believe in loyalty to a fault with friends, and covering “their six” in most situations - except when kids are involved. Listen to Beth’s dilema as to whether or not she should testify in court for her friend when she knows her friend has lied…
I prefer voice mails because it makes the show more interesting, but emails are great too. Listen and leave me a voice mail!
*Talk To Me! Call me: 678-884-0524, or Listen by cell phone: 1-801-823-1125
Email me: Zanny@DearZanny.com. Do you need relationship advice? Call Zanny. Let’s talk! Help make this show more interesting by leaving a voice mail.
*Disclaimer: Dear Zanny is for entertainment purposes only. Any advice suggestions are never intented to substitute proffessional help. For legal reasons, I will not answer e-mails directly but will use them on a future show so listen and subscribe to have DZ automagically delivered to you.
June 13th, 2008 — Relationships, Personal News, Podcast
I’ve been MIA the last two months - I had a cancer recurrence, surgery, then off to a healing retreat in Eagle Nest, NM for a week. I just returned several days ago and have been catching up with my clients. Thanks for hanging in there with me. I recieved multiple emails and voice mails - which really inspire me to keep going! I prefer voice mails because it makes the show more interesting, but emails are great too.Listen and leave me a voice mail!
*Talk To Me! Call me: 678-884-0524, or Listen by cell phone: 1-801-823-1125
Email me: Zanny@DearZanny.com. Do you need relationship advice? Call Zanny. Let’s talk! Help make this show more interesting by leaving a voice mail.
*Disclaimer: Dear Zanny is for entertainment purposes only. Any advice suggestions are never intented to substitute proffessional help. For legal reasons, I will not answer e-mails directly but will use them on a future show so listen and subscribe to have DZ automagically delivered to you.
April 13th, 2008 — Behaviors, Relationships, Grief, Podcast
Finding out that a loved one suicided is like being hit by an emotional tsunami. The aftershock and devastation to loved ones left behind is gut-wrenching. A listener emailed and asked for resources. Here is the best in the nation:
1) The Link Counseling Center - phone: 404-256-9797, email: www.thelink.org. The Link was founded by Iris Bolton who wrote, My Son, My Son, after her son suicided. Iris has devoted the last 30 years of her life to helping others heal.
2) Compassionate Friends (CF) - www.compassionatefriends.ca is a national resource for bereaved parents who have lost a child at any age for any cause. Go to either The Link or CF website to find a local chapter near you.
3) Suicide Crisis Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Always take the mention of suicide seriously! Listen to this podcast for more suggestions on what to do.
