Entries Tagged 'Podcast' ↓

Stephanie from Louisiana called and asked how she can “get over” her spouses previous poor financial decisions that they finally are recovering from. Stephanie can’t “let go” of her spouses mistake and admits she constantly monitors his every move and reminds him of his prior poor judgment. How can she move forward?

Dear Stephanie:

When one partner makes a big mistake in the relationship either via finances, drugs or alcohol, infidelity, or some other infraction - then the innocent partner possesses a golden opportunity to hold the other emotional hostage. What is an emotional hostage? It’s when one partner emphasizes their alleged victimization towards the person behind the violation. The result is the “violator” yields to the “victim’s” every demand.

So, in your case, your husband made poor financial decisions which sounds like it resulted in monetary devastation for you both. You say you’re slowly pulling yourselves out of the hole and achieved relative financial stability. But you have difficulty not holding his past mistake over his head and “watching everything he does.” Your level of trust in the relationship has been damaged. I hear that. It’s normal for a partner to feel apprehensive after the other has used poor judgment. However, it sounds like you may regard yourself as the “victim” and your husband as the “violator.”

The scenario then, plays out in a classic victim-violator dance. The victim insists they have no culpability and constantly reminds the violator: “This is your fault!” The violator often racked with guilt and remorse, acquiesces to the demands of the victim. Now the cycle for emotional hostage is firmly established.

It may feel temporarily good to play out the victim role, and keep the violator in a place of submission, but this dynamic eventually backfires. Why? Because the distribution of power in the relationship is unbalanced and skewed. The violator will tire of always getting cast as the bad guy. He will ultimately rebel, either overtly or passive-aggressively. Either way, it will be ugly.

Suggestions:

1. Ask yourself if it’s possible you’re holding your partner emotional hostage.
2. If you answer “yes” to question 1, ask yourself what you get from this place of power and control by keeping him submissive.
3. Talk with your spouse and openly discuss your difficulty in “letting go.” Name the number one thing you need to heal. Be concrete, be specific.
4. After identifying what you need to help yourself heal, ask him what he needs to move forward. You may be pleasantly surprised.
5. Agree to stop checking on everything he does, shaming him, and reminding him of the past so you can begin to break the cycle of holding him emotional hostage.
6. If you still have difficulty “letting go” get into therapy to help you address what this situation triggers for you. Your trigger (most likely) stems from a childhood wounding when someone in authority violated your trust. Now as an adulthood, you seek to regain power that you did not have as a wounded child.

Remember, awareness of a dysfunctional relationship dynamic is truly the first step in dismantling it. You can do it! Good luck.

 

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Dear Zanny:

So I woke up at 6:30 this morning to find my husband at the kitchen table already working. It is rare for him to be up this early, and even rarer for him to be working so soon, so I asked him what’s up. He says he’s been up since 5 AM because he had a bad dream about me. I know what’s coming… I’m supposed to go to Lake Tahoe tomorrow for a girl’s weekend. I’ve been hesitant about it since we planned it because my husband is EXTREMELY jealous. I was worried that Tahoe might present too many “threats” (i.e. there might be a man at the slot machine next to me). We have been going to counseling for the last couple of months, but we haven’t even gotten to the jealousy issue.

Anyway, the dream he had was about me “talking” to another man in a flirty way. He says he trusts me to act responsible, but I know he doesn’t. Now I want to cancel the trip (there are other factors too, like $$, childcare) just because I don’t want to deal with him perceiving something that isn’t really there (like there might be a man in the background of a picture we take!).

It’s so frustrating because I have never cheated on him, or any man for that matter. His issues are too long to mention here (hence the counseling)… My question is, how many of you have jealous husbands and how do you deal? I feel trapped.

Dear Trapped:

No wonder you feel trapped!  You’re a prisoner in your own marriage.  First, if you only get one thing out of this response, get this:  Your husband’s jealousy has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.  His insecurities sound very deeply rooted.  I am curious why “We’ve been going to counseling for the last couple of months, but haven’t even gotten to the jealousy issue.”  Why not?  It is clearly a huge issue for you both.  It’s normal for a spouse to feel tinges of jealousy or possessiveness at different times during a marriage – we all have our insecurities.  But what you describe here crosses from within normal range to neurotic.  His neurotic jealousy is not healthy for him, your children, or YOU. 

I. Answer first part of your question:  “How many people have jealous husbands?” A lot!  Many people have jealous spouses.  People handle their partner’s possessiveness in various ways - depending on how extreme their neurosis is.  Some partners verbally reassure the insecure partner that all is well, and it will suffice.  Other partners have to “prove” their loyalty in small ways – especially when there has been a rupture in the relationship, such as an affair, substance abuse, or other issues, this is normal.  But what you describe is not normal.

II. Answer second part of your question:  “How do you deal?”  You have several choices:

1) Continue in therapy but bring this topic up next session – no excuses!

2) Decide what you believe is fair and within normal limits of your personal freedom, be very concrete and clear, then stick to it.  For example, “Tom, I’m going to Lake Tahoe with my girlfriends like we discussed.  I am not doing anything to jeopardize our marriage, or anything I would be resistant to sharing with you. I need you to support me and trust me.”   

3) Get into individual therapy for additional support to help you navigate through this difficult terrain.

4) Leave the marriage.  I don’t say this lightly, but if your spouse cannot loosen his neurotic grip you owe it to yourself to save yourself and your children. 

Remember, every relationship is negotiable, and re-negotiable.  You are 50% of your marriage and you have rights not only as a spouse, but as a human being.  Don’t cave into someone’s neurotic demands.  It may be hard to hold your ground, but in the long run it’s so much healthier for the family unit as a whole. Good Luck!

 

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Dear Zanny:

I was wondering if there are any other mommies here that have lost a baby.  My daughter was born still on June 1st and I am slowly getting back into my normal routine.  I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar and how they handled the situation.  I have a son who is almost 18 months and I am trying to make his life seem like nothing happened but it is proving to be more difficult.  Any suggestions?

Dear Bereaved Mom:

First, let me say how very, very sorry I am for the death of your child.  Losing a child is the most difficult death to grieve.  Period.  The expectation of a baby’s arrival brings such joy - and then to have your beloved baby die is heart-wrenching.  That you daughter was stillborn you probably have many questions, and even less answers.  I bet the number one word you utter is, “Why?”  Continue reading →

 

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Marion from WI left a vm.  Marion was told by a trusted friend that another friend’s kid is involved in high risk behaviors.  What should she do?  If you want to listen to my podcast, click to the left of this screen and play.

Dear Marion:

1) Ask yourself what is your goal?  Once you define your goal, it shapes your course of action.

2) If your goal is to intervene on the kid’s behalf - you will probably disclose to the parent.

3) Before you tell the parents you should ask parent, “If I know something about one of your kids/family members that’s potentially dangerous to them, would you want to know?” Most parents say “yes.” 

4) Pick a time that the parent will have time to process information, e.g., they’re not on the way to work, or other commitment.

5) Remind the parent that you trust your source - and your goal is to intervene so the kid stops whatever high risk behavior/s they are doing.

6) You have to realize not all parents will be receptive to your information.  Your disclosure may cost you the friendship - is that OK?

7) After you disclose to the parent ask how you can help, for example, if it’s substance abuse you can easily get a 10-panel UDS (urine drug screen) that tests for 10 major drug categories.  Your family physician may have them, or you can order on-line.  They’re inexpensive, easy to use and accurate.

Lastly, sometimes doing the right thing is difficult.  I applaud you, Marion, for caring enough to think this through thoroughly.  Good Luck! 

 

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Listener email:

Dear Zanny - I have listened since almost day one to the Divas and was so glad to hear you are doing this show… I value your advice!

My background is a Bachelor of Science in Family Relations and Child Development. I worked counseling parents of disabled or delayed children birth to three and coordinating special services for their children for almost 10 years. My ‘specialty’ was micro premature babies…

I have been with my husband since 10/2000 and we were married 5/02. He was a confirmed bachelor when we met – he is 10 years my senior (I am 33) and I had to threaten him I would break off our relationship if we did not get married – and he ‘caved in’ and we married the following May. I was hearing my ‘clock ticking’ since I wanted two children and I knew with his age he would want children sooner than later or we’d miss that window. I know now I should have left him and found another – but I did not. I was burned in my first marriage by a cheating man and divorced him prior to graduating college. I dated a high school sweetheart almost a year and he did pretty much the same thing. I found my husband through a dating service (this is before Match.com and such!) and liked him since he was OPPOSITE my other ‘men’ I had dated/married. He was a civil engineer, quiet, did not like to socialize. I know I did this out of fear of a cheating man. But I did it any way. Continue reading →

 

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Listener wrote: 

Dear Zanny,
My husband attended a party the other night with some friends that are much younger than he is. - I have never met these people.. They next morning I had to use his cell phone because our home phone’s battery died, and found a picture of 2 girls making out.. I was furious.. He did not understand why i was so upset.. Did i overreact? was this really no big deal????

Thanks!

Dear Furious:

You’re entitled to feel however you do.  You don’t need my permission, or anyone else’s to validate your feelings.  The assumption is your husband took these photos, right?  Well, what are the expectations in your marriage?  What are the general rules and boundaries?  Remember, everything and every relationship is negotiable. 

 Suggestions:

1) Tell you husband you need to talk with him about his and ask him when a good time would be - let him name the time.  Never is not an option.

2) Calmly tell you husband why you find these photos upsetting.  Use the “I feel ________, when you _____________, and what I need from you is ___________________” strategy to help him avoid becoming defensive, then you both emotionally escalate which results in a dead end.  Stay calm.

3) Emphasize that marriage is a team and this type of behavior does not positively contribute to the success of your team.  Re-evaluate, together, what expectations you both have in this relationship.  This sounds obvious, but we get stuck in a rut and forget to renegotiate the rules and name the ‘deal breakers.’

4) If your spouse continues to engage in behaviors that are incongruent with your mutually agreed upon standards - get a good Therapist. 

Lastly, even if he is unwilling to attend couples counseling, go by yourself to get the support and validation you need.  Your husband’s behavior may be a one-time no-big-deal event, or it could be the first red flag that your marriage has some issues.  If you begin counseling, your spouse will know you’re serious, and many times the resistant partner will eventually begin to participate.  Either way, a skilled therapist can help give your relationship a tune-up and get back on track.

Thanks for sharing your story.  Good luck!  

 

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Listener email: 

 ”Dear Zanny,
Lately I feel like I am going insane. I live in one of the best cities in the world (New York), however, I am not happy here.

I have a husband who loves me, but we don’t always get along as well as we should. I seem to let his little quirks irritate me. I let it show, and we end up fighting over it. Yet, we go on vacation every year to some place nice, take a couple long weekends per year ( again to some place nice), eat at the best restaurants, see Broadway shows and still I feel like I was happier when I was single living alone in a smaller city. He blames me for us not having friends, yet, we knew no one upon moving here 4 years ago, and meeting other couples is hard, in my opinion. I am not a big socializer, don’t really enjoy meeting new people but I am open to it.

I also despise my job. It is a small office and I avoid my co workers like the plague. It is cliquey, and full of two faced people who talk about you behind your back. It is a lost cause, because of my horrible attitude and complete utter disregard for my peers and management, I feel like I will be fired before I am able to get a new job. I think they keep me because I come to work every day, and am cross trained on all the different functions we do. I get paid fairly well, have benefits, and a decent 401k.

I know most people would love to be in my shoes, but really, I’ve been much happier on the past. I feel like I owe it to my husband to stick this out. If I were to leave I’d be starting from zero and he would be devastated. Thoughts?

Thanks Zanny, enjoy your show.

Signed,
Spoiled little brat in NYC

Sent from my iPod”

Dear Spoiled little brat in NYC:

You don’t sound spoiled to me…  you do sound depressed.  Generally speaking, when someone presents with a similar situation, one of the first question a therapist would ask is:  Do these symptoms result from a situational event, or an underlying medical condition?  A good clinician always rules out medical possibilities because the best therapy in the world won’t cure an underlying medical condition.  Continue reading →

 

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Tim Russert, aged 58, died this week of a cornonry emoblism.  I always liked him - he seemed like a really nice and decent man.  Lolita S. emailed and wanted to know why his death feels so painful to her when she never met him.  If you have felt this way, ask yourself:  “How is this situation similar to something I’ve experienced before?”  Think hard.  Your answer will give you THE answer.  Get it?  Good! : )  I prefer voice mails because it makes the show more interesting, but emails are great too.Listen and leave me a voice mail!

*Talk To Me!  Call me: 678-884-0524, or Listen by cell phone: 1-801-823-1125 

Email me:  Zanny@DearZanny.com.  Do you need relationship advice?  Call Zanny. Let’s talk!  Help make this show more interesting by leaving a voice mail.  

*Disclaimer:  Dear Zanny is for entertainment purposes only.  Any advice suggestions are never intented to substitute proffessional help.  For legal reasons, I will not answer e-mails directly but will use them on a future show so listen and subscribe to have DZ automagically delivered to you

 

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Amanda from IL left a vm and expressed frustration with her girlfriend - but acknowledged, ”I know it’s me.”  Anytime we get a zing from someone - stop, go to the nearest mirror, and look at your reflection.  It’s nearly always a projection.  What characteristics does that person carry that you either deny in yourself, or feel too inferior to own?  It’s normal, you’re human, and - we all do it!  Projection is a gift, because it allows us to see what we most need to integrate into our own psyche.  It’s all good. 

I prefer voice mails because it makes the show more interesting, but emails are great too. Listen and leave me a voice mail!

*Talk To Me!  Call me: 678-884-0524, or Listen by cell phone: 1-801-823-1125 

Email me:  Zanny@DearZanny.com.  Do you need relationship advice?  Call Zanny. Let’s talk!  Help make this show more interesting by leaving a voice mail.  

*Disclaimer:  Dear Zanny is for entertainment purposes only.  Any advice suggestions are never intented to substitute proffessional help.  For legal reasons, I will not answer e-mails directly but will use them on a future show so listen and subscribe to have DZ automagically delivered to you.

 

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How far do we go for our friends?  What are the boundaries when we’ve had life long buddies?  Yikes, always a tough one.  I believe in loyalty to a fault with friends, and covering “their six” in most situations - except when kids are involved.  Listen to Beth’s dilema as to whether or not she should testify in court for her friend when she knows her friend has lied…

I prefer voice mails because it makes the show more interesting, but emails are great too. Listen and leave me a voice mail!

*Talk To Me!  Call me: 678-884-0524, or Listen by cell phone: 1-801-823-1125 

Email me:  Zanny@DearZanny.com.  Do you need relationship advice?  Call Zanny. Let’s talk!  Help make this show more interesting by leaving a voice mail.  

*Disclaimer:  Dear Zanny is for entertainment purposes only.  Any advice suggestions are never intented to substitute proffessional help.  For legal reasons, I will not answer e-mails directly but will use them on a future show so listen and subscribe to have DZ automagically delivered to you.

 

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I’ve been MIA the last two months - I had a cancer recurrence, surgery, then off to a healing retreat in Eagle Nest, NM for a week.  I just returned several days ago and have been catching up with my clients.  Thanks for hanging in there with me.  I recieved multiple emails and voice mails - which really inspire me to keep going!  I prefer voice mails because it makes the show more interesting, but emails are great too.Listen and leave me a voice mail!

*Talk To Me!  Call me: 678-884-0524, or Listen by cell phone: 1-801-823-1125 

Email me:  Zanny@DearZanny.com.  Do you need relationship advice?  Call Zanny. Let’s talk!  Help make this show more interesting by leaving a voice mail.  

*Disclaimer:  Dear Zanny is for entertainment purposes only.  Any advice suggestions are never intented to substitute proffessional help.  For legal reasons, I will not answer e-mails directly but will use them on a future show so listen and subscribe to have DZ automagically delivered to you.

 

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Finding out that a loved one suicided is like being hit by an emotional tsunami.  The aftershock and devastation to loved ones left behind is gut-wrenching.  A listener emailed and asked for resources.  Here is the best in the nation:

1) The Link Counseling Center - phone: 404-256-9797, email: www.thelink.org.  The Link was founded by Iris Bolton who wrote, My Son, My Son, after her son suicided.  Iris has devoted the last 30 years of her life to helping others heal.

2) Compassionate Friends (CF) - www.compassionatefriends.ca is a national resource for bereaved parents who have lost a child at any age for any cause.  Go to either The Link or CF website to find a local chapter near you.

3) Suicide Crisis Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 

Always take the mention of suicide seriously!  Listen to this podcast for more suggestions on what to do.

Kim from TX sends an email to TheDivaCast.com first, and we (The Divas) agreed that it was better responded to by me, Zanny. Kim has been married for 5 years to “a wonderful father, a good provider, and a life partner…” but his fatal flaw is the verbal abuse he spews, sometimes daily, at Kim. She has tried various tactics to entice him to change his behavior. Nothing has worked. What needs to happen now?

Talk To Me! Call me: 678-884-0524, or Listen by cell phone: 1-801-823-1125

Email me: Zanny@DearZanny.com. Do you need relationship advice? Call Zanny. Let’s talk!

Zanny

Disclaimer: Dear Zanny is for entertainment purposes only. Any advice offered is never intented to substitute proffessional help.

 

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This email came from Anabella, a 42 year-old Italian immigrant.  Her own mother was abusive both phsycially and emotionally.  Now, Anabella’s father is dying and her mother wants Anabella and her two young children to stay with her.  NO! NO! NO!  Anabella - you’re entitled to protect yourself.  Listen how. 

Two wonderful books on this topic that I highly recommend are: 1) Toxic Parents by: Dr. Susan Forward and 2) The Drama of The Gifted Child by: Alice Miller.

*Talk To Me!  Call me: 678-884-0524, or Listen by cell phone: 1-801-823-1125Email me:  Zanny@DearZanny.com.  Do you need relationship advice?  Call Zanny. Let’s talk! 

*Disclaimer:  Dear Zanny is for entertainment purposes only.  Any advice offered is never intented to substitute proffessional help. 

 

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Pursuer-distancer relationship dynamics occur in all types of relationships - lovers, siblings, and friendships - but why?  What does the pursuer need that the distancer senses and makes them RUN?!  The pursuer (one who’s chasing) needs to take a deep breath and stop for a moment and ask themselves, “What is it I am asking the other do do for me that I cannot do for myself?”  Each of us is responsible for our own emotional well-being.  It’s a fairytale to think someone else can fulfill us all the time in every way.  It is our responsibility to do our own inner work and become emotionally self-reliant.

Talk To Me!  Call me: 678-884-0524, or Listen by cell phone: 1-801-823-1125

Email me:  Zanny@DearZanny.com.  Do you need relationship advice?  Call Zanny. Let’s talk! 

Zanny

Disclaimer:  Dear Zanny is for entertainment purposes only.  Any advice offered is never intented to substitute proffessional help. 

 

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