Entries Tagged 'Relationships' ↓

Relationships are like bank accounts.  Like bank accounts, in relationships you make deposits, withdrawals, and check your balance.  Friends and lovers and couples would be healthier if they applied this principle to their relationships.  It’s not hard.  It’s like banking.  Sometimes money goes in, and sometimes it goes out, and sometimes things are just status quo, you know, balanced.  In relationships emotional energy is the currency. 

Relationships require emotional energy.  The energy is seldom in perfect balance.  Sometimes one person is ’extra expensive’ - requiring a lot of emotional currency.  Perhaps a friend or lover or significant other needs to make hefty withdrawals - maybe they are in crisis, or depressed (from either neuro-chemical or situational causes), or just plain life happens and they need to withdrawal some emotional currency - the energy from the relationship you’ve built.  What does that look like?  Oftentimes, patience. 

 Sometimes the person in need of emotional currency needs to verbalize their conflict, or maybe they need to emotionally isolate.  One may choose to give the emotional currency or state feel like the joint account has  ’insufficient funds’.  The later is a tough one.

When one person repeatedly makes deposits to the relationship and the other makes withdrawals, the account becomes drained.  For a healthy emotional account, both people must contribute to joint deposits.  A healthy balance allows both partners to make deposits and withdrawals.

OK, I’ve gotten on board with the whole new text era.  Initially, I did not understand why people texted.  I witnessed many young people’s fingers frantically flying across doll-house sized key pads and thought:  Why?  Why not use the same cell phone and call the person?  Like, why not just have a real conversation?

Then, I started texting.  I get it now!  Texting is convenient when a phone call is  impractical.  You can text anytime -  day or middle of the night, not so with a phone call.  Texting is a great way to send a quick message without having an extended phone conversation.  And, for whatever cheap thrill I derive, it’s just fun.  Texting is like getting a cool letter in the mail, or an anticipated email or post on facebook.

Now, the bad side.  Texting, while fun, can be hazardous to relationships.  Because there is a LOT of room for misinterpretation.  Subtle nuances don’t come across clearly.  Typos and abbreviations can lead to general confusion for the recipient.  While texting is fun and sometimes necessary, it can create more communication problems.          

I guess we’ve each done it at different times.  We laugh at someone verses with them.  This seems to happen more in group settings than individual because groups often give us psychological insulation - we feel protected within the parameters of the group.  We may say or do things we would not engage in as an individual.  In psychology, we label this phenomenon as ‘group think’ - sort of like ‘monkey see, monkey do’ type mentality. 

Groups, predictably, psychologically collapse to the lowest denominator of the group member - this is certainly true in family systems.  The most neurotic family member calls the shots for the entire family.  The family acquieses to the needs of the sickest family member.  Groups frequently mimic familial dynamics.

It fascinates me when a group will bully or slam or make fun of or criticize or laugh at another.  This is an example of when the group slips to the lowest denominator of the dominant and twisted person.  I feel ashamed when I’m with a group and this occurs.  I do recognize the distinction between teasing verses unkindness or cruelty.  I have gotten into heated arguments when I’ve been in this situation - when someone is intentionally and cruelly critiquing another.  I give credit to my mother. 

My mother is innately kind.  My first lesson in not participating in the group think and laughing at others was when I was in third grade.  We lived in Stow, OH.  A girl in my class Bonita, was larger than the rest of us and mentally impaired.  Chronologically, Bonita belonged in 5th grade, but her mental lethargy required her to be placed with my third grade class.  Bonita loved physical affection.  She ran up to anyone and tried to kiss them.  Well, this caused quite the stir on our playground.  Everybody ran away when Bonita approached with her body crushing hugs and drowning wet kisses.  Children laughed and sneered and made fun of Bonita.  I felt great compassion for her.  Most of the time, I allowed her to kiss me on the cheek, and agreed to push her on the swing.  The other kids made fun of me for befriending Bonita.  I didn’t care.  I even tried to physically defend her against the class bullies.  This was difficult for me because although I was tall, I was very skinny and didn’t have any physical strength to back up my verbal threats.  Most of the time, I got the bullies to leave Bonita alone.  I couldn’t stand anyone hurting her either physically or emotionally.

Several years later, we lived in Williamsville, NY.  My mother was driving and we came to a 4-way stop sign.  I impulsively stuck my tongue out at the opposite car.  I was about 11 years-old, and I cannot remember why I did such a thing.  My mother turned and slapped me hard across my face.  I was shocked.  She told me that I had no idea who could be in that car and they may interpret my behavior as cruel mockery.  Between Bonita and my mother’s hard slap, I got it. 

I am extremely sensitive to laughing or mocking or making fun of another.  I don’t do it.  Laughing at others with intentional malice is cruel.  It’s a small person who engages in the behavior.  I am so glad I have surrounded myself with the kindest of friends.    

By:  Suzanne Maiden

Ooooohhhhhhh, I have a new favorite song:  Crush, by David Archuleta.  The lyrics inspired me to think about what distinguishes a crush verses a real connection, e.g., love, verses a simple crush?  What is a crush?  What is love?  Do all love relationships begin with a crush?  Who knows?  How do you decipher between them? 

What happens when you have a crush on another and you know it may be like licking an ice-cream cone except this flavor  will only inflame your tongue like a dessert fire?  And yet… the pull is very strong.  It’s analogous to the moon pulling the tide.  The tide is strong in it’s own right, but the moon’s magnetic pull dictates how the tide will express itself.  The two seemingly tandem events need each-other for expression.  The moon dominates the tide, and the tide must acquiesce.  It unfolds the way nature intended.  Could this metaphor be applied to human desire, or crushes?  While the magnetic pull of the moon cannot be denied, the tide still ebbs and flows by itself.   

If we’re honest we all get crushes or feel an attraction to others - even those of us in committed relationships.  Each of us feels sexual tension towards various people at different times.  We look at another and contemplate, “Yeah, maybe a different time, different place… maybe.”  Get a group of women together, and a little alcohol in the mix, and their crush confessions come out.  Some people experience this more than others.  I certainly have to own my experience of different crushes at different times for whatever reason.  I haven’t acted on any, but the feelings have been present at various times. 

I have a confession; I have had a small, itsy-bitsy crush on my surgical oncologist, Charlie.  He’s excessively chubby.  He’s bald.  He’s extremely intelligent - OK, smart-as-hell would be my exact description.  And, oh yeah, and we laugh and laugh and laugh.  Charlie has to call me at different times to give me my CAT scan results.  We often talk for an extended period, until I finally say, “Charlie, don’t you have a life you need to save?”  I own my affection for him, and have never taken it seriously.  I regard my crush as the ‘hero worship’ scenario.  He saved my life.  And I know he would do whatever it takes to save me.  I sense he genuinely cares for me as a fellow human being.  Of course I feel affection for him.  I know that is as far is it will go. 

I diligently work at being conscious on my behaviors and underlying feelings.  It’s hard work, and I find I that I am never done.  That’s why I stay in therapy, because when I’m unconscious of my behaviors, I can count on my therapist, Barry, to set me straight - which he frequently gets the opportunity to do.  If I feel a crush or attraction to someone, I teasingly tell my husband, “Did I tell you?  He’s my next husband, hahhahaa.”  We both laugh.  No harm, no foul.  

Actually, if events unfolded so that I had the opportunity to re-marry, I would not.  I’m not interested in marriage.  It’s just not on my agenda.  In many ways, I’m better single.  But who knows this until they marry?  And, my stance does not mean I’m unhappy in my own marriage.  

So, what about crushes?  Why do we get them?  When do you know if it’s more?  Does that mean you act on it?  I don’t know.  And if we acted on every attraction - nothing in the planet would ever get done!  What about the deeper connection that penetrates physical exteriors?  As Archuleta sings, “Am I crazy or falling in love?  Is it real, or just another crush?  Do you catch your breath when I look at you?  Are you holding back like the way I do… cause I’m trying, trying to walk away, but I know this crush ain’t going away…”  

How do you decipher the difference between a crush or love?  What do you do about it?  How do you manage the intense feelings?  Call me:  678-884-0524 and anonymously share.  I know you’re out there - because some of you have privately confessed your crushes with me… 

By:  Suzanne Maiden 

We all can easily identify who they are.  The ‘unattractive ones.’  We learn at a very early age how our culture, and our specific sub-culture defines beauty.  Interestingly enough, many cultures agree on what constitutes facial beauty; body weight and shape seem to be more variable. 

Northern American culture values thinness and fitness.  The oxymoron is that our population is one of the fattest in the world.  In Brazil for example, voluptuous bottoms in women are considered very sexy.  In Greece the female who sports a Botticelli body (which would be defined as ‘fat’ by our society) are courted for their voluminous curves.  And, the well known song “Baby’s Got Back” speaks to the African American culture who value women with fuller figures.  One of the lines in the lyrics speaks to women’s measurements and what is ideal.  The lyrics sing: “…36, 26, 36?  Only if she’s 5′3″…”  Again, facial features seem to be more concrete and less flexible in beauty definition.

So what happens when the individual who does not meet the cultural criteria of beauty?  The metaphorical ‘Ugly Duckling’ scenario emerges.  They experience rejection by their peers.  I was the ‘Ugly Duckling’ during my high school years.  Nobody asked me to the prom.  Nobody asked me out.  I was awkward and didn’t really fit any specific peer group.  I was unattractive and had not yet discovered my athletic talents.  I had one best friend, Alison, and we did everything together.  The internal experience and deep psychological wounding of being cast as the Ugly Duckling never completely fades.  The experience indelibly shapes our future internal definition of self.

Now, I eventually ‘came into my own’ in my mid to late 20’s.  I learned how to control my mass of naturally curly hair, my acne subsided, and I learned to wear figure-flattering clothes vs. my former too-big-shirts which I used to mask my big boobs.  I chuckle now, because in high school I was 5′7″ and weighed 117lbs.  I actually had a beautiful figure, but because I have a classic hour glass figure, it did not meet the current criteria of beauty.  I felt huge and ridiculously tall next to the my petite classmates.  The profound impact to my psyche permanently shaped me.  Not only did I never feel pretty enough, I felt downright homely. 

I attended my 20 year high school class reunion; I made sure that I looked really good. I had the sweetest experience.  Several of the males didn’t recognize me, and were falling all over themselves to figure out who I was.  One said, “Oh my God, I can’t believe I don’t remember you!”  He continued to look at my name-tag and obviously couldn’t recall any memory of me.  I smiled and said, “Yeah where were you when I needed a date to the prom?”

Having been formerly cast and identified as the Ugly Duckling, I feel anyone’s pain who shares this experience.  Now as a practicing Family Therapist, and with some hind-sight, I suggest the following for anyone who thinks they fall into the Ugly Duckling category:

1) Identify your own talents and gifts

2) Develop these talents and gifts - maybe you’re gifted at painting, writing, music.  Maybe you have a unique hobby, regardless of how obscure, that makes interesting conversation.  Use it.  People love interesting people.  A famous ‘unattractive’ celebrity was author, Truman Capote.  He was insanely popular in New York society - and a party was not considered complete without him.  Every hostess coveted his presence.  

3) Use your sense of humor.  A good example is Woody Allen.  Most people would not describe him as ’hot’ or handsome.  But Woody Allen is slap-your-mama funny.  People adore him!  Be able to laugh at yourself.

4) Realize external beauty fades and is so temporary.  Only internal beauty is long lasting.  Yeah, yeah, you’e heard it before, but really think about this.  Why?  Because the beautiful people will eventually be at a handicap when their beauty subsides - if they haven’t developed any other aspect of ’self.’ 

5) Be kind and generous to everyone.  People respond to kindness and generosity of spirit - even the beautiful people.  We’re all insecure, I don’t care how beautiful other’s perceive us to be, most of us doubt ourselves and feel inadequate relative to others.  The proverbial grass always looks greener.  A kind word and generous intentions yield more dividends than a beautiful face or body. 

The long term impact of being early identified as the Ugly Duckling becomes part of one’s psychological landscape.  History cannot be changed, but it can be cognitively tweaked.  The way in which we regard the experience can be shaped.  I am actually glad I had the experience of being cast as the Ugly Duckling.  The experience forced me to develop other aspects of myself that I would not have done otherwise, it gave me considerably greater compassion for others who are ‘less perfect’ and I learned the value of genuine kindness and compassion.  I would not change it.     

 

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By: Suzanne Maiden

I had a great time presenting at the Manic Mommies Escape ‘08. I talked about key techniques you can use when communicating with your partner.  And, these skills work wonders with your colleagues, bosses, and family members.  Try it out and let me know.  I’d love to hear your results. Call me: 678-884-0524.

By:  Suzanne Maiden 

Have you ever loved someone and it makes no sense?  I recently had a client who stated that he loves a woman with such fervor and such frenetic intensity that throughout the session he repeatedly asked me if he were sane.  I reassured him, that his sanity was well intact.  He struggled to wrap his mind around having profound feelings for another when it felt irrational to his cognitive side.  This man could not make logical sense of why he could have such profound and deep feelings for a woman that appeared incongruent with his internal checklist.  Have you ever loved another and it makes no sense? 

Sometimes love is irrational.  Sometimes love makes no sense.  Sometimes love does not care about age difference, or ethnicity, or physical criteria, or health, or money; love does not care if it violates your mental checklist.  Love is non-discriminatory.  Love Just Is.  Love expresses itself without our permission, without our conscious consent, and without our logical cognition.  Love insists on being acknowledged.  Love wants expression.  

Love wants a voice - which may be nothing more than a divine whisper.  Loving another can never be wrong.  Love is the closest emotion to the divine we can express as spiritual beings who temporarily have a human experience.  Love is the Alpha and Omega.  Love is trump.   

 

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By: Suzanne Maiden

I actually ended up recording TWO shows today.  Because you expressed such positive energy around this topic - I had to record an addendum to the ‘Random Acts of Kindness:  Part 2′  WOW!  Your response blows me away.  Thank you so much for taking time to leave voice-mails. 

I avoided this topic for a long time. This topic feels so personal and deeply private that I would rather disclose other intimate pieces of myself instead of my RAK’s ~ Random Acts of Kindness.  I’m not clear why I feel so protective about this part of my life, but I do.  What is a RAK?  A RAK is Acting Kindly in a Random way.  More specifically, I define a RAK as:  To spontaneously engage in a selfless act for another without thought of benefit or reward or praise to self.

On my other podcast, TheDivaCast (http://www.TheDivaCast.com), I casually mentioned a recent RAK – and the response was resoundingly favorable. TheDivaCast received emails and voice-mails from listeners who said they were encouraged and inspired to initiate their own RAKs. Listeners expressed so much enthusiasm about ‘passing it on’ that one listener (click in left box listen) challenges all listeners to participate in RAK however possible.  Because of the overwhelmingly positive response from listeners, I feel compelled to say more regarding acting randomly with kindness.  Here we go.

Many RAK do not involve money.  Some RAK may be as small as holding a door open for someone, helping an elderly person load groceries in their car; or not erupting with anger when another driver cuts you off or does something stupid and annoying - respond with a forgiving wave and smile instead.  Can you imagine how different the roadways would be? 

Other RAK that cost something could include: taking a homeless person for a meal, offering workers a cold beverage, bathroom break, or sandwich, pay for the person behind you in a fast food line, or toll booth.  Or, if you see someone using food stamps in the grocery store line, have the cashier add it to your bill, or purchase someone’s prescription drugs.  A slightly bigger act is to pay for a (young, or in need) family’s dinner at a restaurant and escape before they know.  Several holidays ago, I stood in line and chatted with a newly immigrated Russian woman.  She held a single holiday sweater for herself - her first holiday in this country.  I purchased it for her and said, “Welcome to America.”  This smalll gesture surely didn’t change the world.  But, maybe, just maybe, she will remember that moment and it will sustain her belief in human kindness. 

Another memorable moment for me, is when I literally gave the sweater off myself to a fellow cancer patient.  We both sat and waited for the radiation machine to zap us.  This beautiful young girl, Carmen, was terribly thin, and so chilled.  She admired my sweater.  I took my sweater off and gave it to her.  The following week, I walked in with a gift bag filled with new, hip, age-appropriate sweaters for her.  She was delighted.  The technicians told me she waited for my arrival everyday.  Carmen died shortly after.  Who received the greater gift?  Of course, it was I.

I give money any time someone in need crosses my path.  It may be my last $20 - it’s not much; or more if I have it.  Again, is this a big deal when I can go to the bank and get more?  No.  But, I like to think that the act itself perpetuates positive feelings and maybe shifts another’s attitude. 

If we just look around, need is everywhere.  The idea is to note another’s need and ask yourself, “How can I be of service right now?”  Ideally, and when possible, I prefer to do RAK’s anonymously.  I don’t hang around for expressions of gratitude.  Any public acknowledgement makes me squirm with discomfort and triggers my shyness. 

My personal goal is to engage in 1 RAK/day.  If I miss a day, I may do something bigger or multiple acts the following.  I reiterate, it’s difficult for me to publicly share this piece of myself.  I don’t seek affirmation.  I do what I do because it is my deepest, highest truth.  My efforts are small.  I know I’m not some great philanthropist making extraordinary contributions.  I think of myself as a spiritual being having a human experience and just doing the best I can each day.  I offer my very private RAK concept as one way to simply, selflessly perpetuate global goodwill.

How do you feel about RAK?  Do you do RAK?  Would you be willing to challenge yourself into engaging in One RAK/day for 1 week?  Call me and share your thoughts: 678-884-0524 

 

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A listener named Becky left a vm.  Becky stated she has been married for 15 months, she is 33 years old, and her husband is aged 43 years.  Becky ”snooped” on her husband’s computer and found some “shocking” sites he recently visited.  Becky is uncomfortable with her husband’s on-line looking at other women.  She said the women are fully clothed and nothing smacks of  porn or gay/homosexuality.  She read some forum exchanges and concluded her husband may just be seeking validation that his attraction to some different women is normal.  Becky does not know if she should “trust him or confront him.”

Zanny’s Thoughts: 

1.  I am curious about your motivation to “snoop.”  When one partner snoops on the other, it suggests that you sense something is amiss.  What indicators do you see?  What are you looking for?  What was the first sign that led you to check up on your husband?

2.  Be mindful of psychologically splitting.  For example, when you mentioned your “either or” position of “trusting vs. confronting.”  You can do both.  You can lovingly confront him and continue to trust him if you believe/understand his reasoning.  Things are seldom black or white - especially when emotions are involved.

3. How is your sex life?  Does your husband have any odd sexual requests?  Now, the term “odd” is very relative.  Sexual practices can be so variable and there is a very wide range of “normal” within the sexual spectrum.  As long as both of you consent and are comfortable with what erotic energy transpires between you - all is well.  The problem arises when a more “adventurous” partner has fantasies which make their partner uncomfortable.  The more “adventurous” partner typically resorts to alternate sources to fulfill their fantasy.   

 Zanny’s Suggestions:

1. Where is your comfort level on this subject?  What can you emotionally handle, and what is an absolute deal-breaker?  If your husband enjoys looking at fully clothed, attractive women on-line, that are not engaged in porn or gay sex - is that more than you can tolerate?  Men are very visual and some need more visual stimulation to get aroused. (FYI:  women are equally visually aroused - it’s a myth that we’re not…)

2. Get more information.  For example, what does your husband get from these sites (other than an erection) - what need is he emotionally filling?  My guess is that he feels embarrassed and/or ashamed of some of his sexual preferences, so he seeks on-line sex forums to validate and normalize his feelings.  The good news is that at least he’s trying to work through what he perceives is an issue. 

3.  Be honest!  Tell your husband you were snooping, why you snooped, and what you discovered.  Try to come from a place of non-judgement and loving curiosity about his motivation to visit these sites.

4.  You said you are at a “crossroads” in the relationship, and if you push him away, you will lose him.  You’re right, you certainly could, and if you play the hard line, you probably will.  So, make sure you have all the facts before you make any big decisions!  Again, get more information from him.  You need to hear his explanation.  Then you can determine what is acceptable to you and what is not.  Weigh the balance of your love for him verses his sexual needs.  Ask him if he can or is willing to channel some of his sexual energy into you instead of looking on-line.

Lastly, my hope for you both is that you lovingly confront him and he honestly explains his secret desires which don’t conflict with your inner compass.  I would never suggest you engage in sexual behaviors you are not comfortable with, but I would ask that you consider, expanding your sexual repetoire.  The ideal result would be that you can help him fulfill his fantasies, you’re more satisfied, and your sex life soars to new and exciting heights!  It could be a win-win situation.

Good Luck Becky!  Thanks for sharing your story.  Please let us know how it unfolds for you.  Listeners - do you have any questions/comments for Becky?  Please leave me a vm: 678-884-0524, or write in the comment box below.    

 

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I received a vm from ‘cheating wife’ asking for guidance.  She stated she has been with her husband since she was aged 16.  They have been together for 9 years.  Caller stated she, “…constantly seeks attention from men” and last year she actually had sexual intercourse with a man which resulted in two treatable sexually transmitted diseases.  Caller noted “…I’m an intelligent woman… but I just cannot forgive myself… and I don’t know where my mind’s at…”

Zanny’s Thoughts:

1. Cheating is an emotional decision - not a logical one:  Most people cheat on a partner because something in their relationship is missing.  That does not mean that the innocent partner is defective or at fault.  It just means the cheating partner is seeking something that feels missing in their current relationship, or within themselves.

2. When someone is constantly seeking approval from the opposite sex:  Generally speaking, it is because that is their place of emotional wounding.  Typically the wounding is from their opposite gendered parent.  In other words, sometimes women with emotionally detached, inattentive, or disapproving fathers will attempt to work out their father complex by seeking out approval from every male possible.  The attention-seeking behavior is compensatory for the father’s emotional detachment.

3.  Spouse’s Sexuality:  You mentioned the possibility that your husband is gay…  this knowledge could certainly impact your self-esteem as a woman.  How are you together sexually?  Do you have good chemistry, are you physically compatible?  How do you feel about his [alleged] bi/homo-sexuality?

4. Husband blames himself:  Why?  Is your husband conflicted about his sexuality and feels guilty for his possible bi-sexual feelings, so he forgives you over and over again?  He would benefit from therapy too. 

5. Tried therapy - but therapist justified your behavior:  It is never a therapist’s job to shame a client.  If s/he did, I would recommend you RUN.  Why?  Because that would indicate that their own moral judgment is sneaking into the therapeutic session - that is always an unwelcome, unwanted guest.  A therapist’s judgment is counter-productive for the client.    

6. Where are you going wrong?  You’re looking for external validation instead of finding it internally.  No one can ever ‘complete us’ or endlessly fill us up.  It’s not our lover’s job.  It’s our own work to do.  For emotional stability and happiness, we must look inward.  Each of us is responsible for our own emotional health - and as long as we seek external validation we will be riding an emotional roller coaster with someone else in the drivers seat.    

7. Two treatable STD’s:  What a gift.  Yes, a real wake-up call for you.  If you’ve been unfaithful since you’ve been together - this is a chronic situation.  When cheating on a partner is chronic it suggests so much more is going on on so many levels.

8. What to do now?  Go back to that SAME therapist.  She sounds like she knows what she’s talking about.  Sorry, I know that’s not what you want to hear.  But, she sounds right on.  Tell her you were disappointed, upset, and maybe even angry when she “justified” your cheating.  Process it with her.  If you still don’t like her, for some other reason then ask her to refer you to someone else.  She sounds competent.  Again, it is not her job to shame you!

Lastly, what will it take for you to forgive yourself?  How long will you hold yourself with such contempt and self-loathing?  Your behavior results from the only way you know how, at this point, to get some deep need met.  This doesn’t make you a bad person.  You’re doing the best you know how to do; but in an unhealthy and potentially life-threatening way.  When you understand your underlying motivation - your behavior will make perfect sense.  Then, you can break the dysfunctional cycle.  You can heal.  I forgive you, can you?

By:  Suzanne Maiden

What is your therapist really thinking during the therapeutic hour?  A lot.  I can only speak for myself and what thoughts run a marathon through my head.  So fasten your seat belt, here we go.

First, I assess the obvious physical/emotional presentation of my client.  For example, are they within normal limits of height and weight, are they appropriately dressed for the weather and situation, do they have any uncontrolled tics, does their body posture match what they verbalize?  Do they fidget, are they tangential in their speech, are they emotionally labile (crying one moment then hysterically laughing the next), and how comfortable are they in their own skin and in my office?  Of course, I always must assess for signs of substance abuse and suicidal/homicidal ideation.

Second, I intently track their words.  What my client is not saying is often so much more meaningful than what words pass their lips.  I look for incongruent body posture with their words.  What does that look like from where I sit?  Well, when a client cannot hold my gaze, or they clench their jaw, or uncontrollably shake their foot back and forth, something is amiss.   I do not play games as a therapist.  I never intentionally trap or trick my client.  When I observe incongruent posturing, I name it.  I share with them my observation and plainly ask “What’s up….? I notice you say thus and such, but your body language suggests something else.”  Oftentimes, they will smile, and admit that indeed something else is emotionally at work with them.

Third, I assess their defenses - that is, how do they protect themselves from painful stimuli and events?  Some clients take a very aggressive stance and are trigger ready to fight, some emotionally withdraw and retreat, and some (but not most or they wouldn’t be sitting in my office) attempt to resolve conflict with an even keeled approach.

Fourth, if other family members are present (as a Family Therapist, this is often the case) I need to simultaneously track each person.  And, I need to assess what inter-family dynamics exist between each member.  It’s very exciting,  but draining as a therapist.  It’s like watching several toddlers in a big swimming pool and making sure none drown.

Fifth, as a therapist, I grow to love my clients.  I mean I really, really, love my clients with such a tenderness I get chills thinking about it.  No matter how kooky (that should be a clinical term), no matter how warped, no matter how ill they may be - I love them.  I realize their inner turmoil and current level of functioning is a direct result of their woundedness.  As C.G. Jung asked, “How is the symptom serving the soul?”  He meant how are people’s neurosis their method of ‘fixing’ what’s broken.  It may appear dysfuntional by others’ standards, but to know all is to understand all.  It all makes sense if you discard logic.

I get the honor of sitting with them as they process their deepest woundings.  I get the privilege of hearing their deepest secrets.  I am often the first person with whom they share their most inner world.  How could I not be touched by that?

The phrase that speaks to this so well, is Carl Rogers’ concept of ‘Unconditional Positive Regard’ for the client.  I resonate with the Rogerian approach.  I see my clients psychological warts and wrinkles, and they are still beautiful to me.  This is what I think as a therapist.  This is my therapeutic stance.  Because no matter how brilliant my interpretations and predictions are, if my client does not experience a therapeutic lovingness from me, they will not permanently heal to their fullest capacity.

We’re all whores.  We prostitute ourselves everyday.  Yes, this vulgar reality hits hard.  We compromise on what we want, what we need, and what we believe in.  We (most often unconsciously) prostitute ourselves emotionally.  We sacrifice our emotional well being as a trade off for some other outcome.  Usually the other outcome is the fulfillment of another’s ideas for us and oftentimes money is involved.

What does this look like?  It may look like us compromising our very soul for something too over-priced.  The market, e.g. our psyche, cannot bear the inflated cost.  Eventually, our pimp demands payment in full - usually with a very hefty rate.  The result ends up compromising our emotional well-being.  

I knew a young man who desperately wanted to become a doctor - he fantasized about becoming a surgeon.  He watched every surgery show on TV.  This young man was academically gifted and indeed met the criteria for genius I.Q.  The young man’s father vehemently opposed his son’s choice.  Why?  Because the son’s desire to practice medicine was incongruent with his father’s religious beliefs.  The young man became something else.  He became a depressed business man - albeit successful - but emotionally unfulfilled.  The young man died many years later in a tragic crash while on a business trip.  Fate? Accident?  Would it have happened anyway?  Who knows.  It did happen and that young man is dead.  He sacrificed his inner longing for someone else’s idea of what path he should pursue.

I’ve witnessed others emotionally prostitute themselves for financial security.  I know couples who stay in unhealthy relationships for fiscal stability.  Oh, yes, the immediate assurance of financial security is comforting - but our pimp will come prancing with a collection plate in hand.  And, one may state, “But, my income would be significantly reduced!  I cannot compromise my standard of living!”  You’ve just prostituted your emotional well being - and the price may actually cost you addtional fees to include your physical health and even your very sanity. 

Live your life.  Live honoring yourself and your needs.  Be mindful of emotionally prostituting yourself for another’s wants or monetary security.  I do not suggest we each embark on hedonistic paths of selfish pursuits.  I suggest we each become increasingly conscious of what possible pitfalls we could become caught as a result of emotionally prostituting our own inner desires.  Be mindful of selling yourself.  Ponder on this.    

By: Suzanne Maiden

As a psychotherapist, I see many young people struggle with their sexual orientation. Many confide feelings of both bi-sexuality or straight homosexuality. And, the sacred space in which they divulge their secret is the first they have verbalized their inner truth. I have the privilege of being the first person with whom they share their most inner struggle ~ their sexual orientation.

The realization that one is attracted to the same gender throws many into a tailspin. How will their families respond? What will their friends say or do? Who will accept them and their sexuality, and who will ultimately be so uncomfortable with their disclosure, that they will be rejected?

The intensity of such feelings are no different than straight sexual attraction. Recently, I had a client who stated, “But, when it’s my first time, I won’t know how to do it.” Why would ‘doing it’ with a same sex partner be any different than with the opposite gender? OK, so the physical equipment is the same. I get it. But, what a potential benefit – experimenting with what you know! When sexual feelings are aroused, most people don’t need an instruction manual, it just happens. The body responds.

If the reader is waiting for me to make some professional value judgment on another’s sexuality, I won’t. It is not my place to assess whether another’s love is right or wrong, good or bad, sacred or sin. Physical attraction is like an alter personality that resides within us. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. Oftentimes an attraction to another violates one’s mental checklist. One can be attracted to another and it makes no logical sense. So it is with same sex love. Many clients who struggle with their sexual orientation state that they would not consciously choose this path. They report ego-dissonance, that is, they feel acute emotional turmoil and bewilderment. They experience anxiety with their bi-sexual or homosexual feelings which they know violate societal norms. They are scared.

Physical attraction is elusive. Physical attraction grabs you by the throat and demands your attention. It follows no script, no rules, no predetermined notion. Same sex attraction and love is no different than heterosexual love. Let tolerance prevail.

 

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Dear Zanny,Hi, this is Annie from California. I have a very abusive relationship with my father. We usually don’t see middle ground on many things, but the worst thing is that whenever I disagree and provoke his temper, he explodes and abuses me either verbally and/or physically. My dad has called me hopeless, futile, pathetic, fat, dumb and numerous other put downs that I consider unacceptable for a father to say to his daughter. He’s kicked, slapped, and even spit on me on occasions.After a huge blowout, my father would come back to his rational senses and try to apologize, telling me how much he loves me. As a daughter, I forgave him time after time.

However, this last time, I’ve decided I had enough. I’ve been abused way too much to let this happen to me again. I now hardly speak to my dad, and try to avoid being in the same room with him at all times.

Since I am a college student, it is impossible for me to loose all ties with my father, since he is financially responsible for my tuition and my lifestyle.  My mom has a hard time with all of this, but she often sides with my father asking if I can forgive my dad again because she hates to see the family so broken up. I love my mom, but I can’t let myself be so vulnerable and abused again. What should I do? I’ve talked to friends and a counselor about this, but nothing has changed. Please help me!
Thanks Zanny.

-Annie

Resonse:

1) Your father is an abusive bully who has anger management issues which result in poor impulse control

2) I’m so glad to hear you say that his behavior is unacceptable – that is a healthy response

3) Most children repeatedly will forgive parental abuse, that’s normal because children always want their parents’ approval

4) I am going to challenge you on your thinking. It is NOT impossible for you to cut ties due to his financial help. It’s more difficult to do-it-yourself, and thousands of college students do it every year. Financial aid is available. Go to your college’s financial aide department and begin to explore your options.

5) Regarding your mom:  It is her choice to stay with your father, she is an adult and responsible for her own choices.  I wonder what she gets from staying? People continue in behavioral patterns in which there is a payoff – what’s hers?

6) YOU are NOT breaking up the family if you do not allow your father to hit, slap, or spit on you.  Hold your boundaries. This is a classic blame-the-victim stance.  It’s your father’s abuse and your mother’s condoning it, that will impact the family – NOT YOU.

7) You are the emotionally healthy one in this scenario.  I applaud you for your emotional fortitude to recognize the kookiness of this situation.

Considerations:

1) Decide right now that you will never tolerate either verbal or physical abuse from your father again. Period.

2) Call your parents and tell them, very firmly, that until they can ensure/guarantee your physical safety, you cannot be around them. Do this via phone so your father is not within physical proximity to you.

3) Tell your mother that her stance in protecting your father is also not acceptable to you. She certainly has the prerogative to side with him – but you do not. Say something like: “Mom, I don’t understand why you put the burden on me of keeping the family together. You know dad is both verbally and physically abusive. I will no longer tolerate his behavior. If he ever hits me again, I will call the police and file charges. For my own mental and physical welfare, I cannot be around him unless he can guarantee my safety.”

4) Regarding your father’s financial support. If he attempts to use financial control by threatening to stop assistance you may say something like: “Dad, that’s your choice to use your money however you want. I will be disappointed if you discontinue helping me with my college endeavors. However, I will not continue to put myself at risk – emotionally or physically – to ensure financial aid.”

5) Annie, you have the right to protect yourself. Your email suggests you already know this, you just need validation; so here it is: STOP! Do not allow your father to verbally or physically abuse you. He needs help. He has huge impulse control and anger issues. You’re an adult now and safe. You do not have to tolerate him or anyone ever hurting you again.

Good luck!

By: Suzanne Maiden 

Sometimes we go through the motions of life and all seems well.  We can honestly say we experience relative happiness, contented relationships, and what many would identify as “a good life.”  What happens, then when something comes along and tips the proverbial apple cart?  What now must be metaphorically picked up, examined, and kept or tossed? 

What happens when ‘the other’ enters our realm of awareness and everything is somehow different.  Suddenly the intensity of the connection feels palpable.  In my clinical work with couples, it is amazing how often couples report this phenomenon.  When an attraction is so intense, so electrified, so mind-blowing, it is seldom one-sided.  Although, it certainly can be for various reasons, e.g. someone fantasizes about a movie star, or athlete… or simply, no reciprocity exists.  But that is not of  what I speak.  What happens when, without warning, the other presents themself into your life - and the longing for the other occurs.

As a therapist, this is a common, very common situation.  I’ve written about projection and how that certainly influences to whom we are attracted.  Projection is the inner opposite inner gender we each have; if we cannot easily access it ourselves, we end up projecting it onto someone who holds a very good likeness to our inner opposite.  But, as my beloved, late professor, Dorothy Boswell said, “Ah, but with projection there still must be a hook to hang it on.”  What she meant was that the way in which we see the other, while much of it is filtered through our projection, pieces of our perception are in fact valid.  For me, projection does not answer everything.  Clients express longing for ‘the other’ in every possible way, sexually, playfully, heart-fully, and soulfully.

What is behind the intensity of this longing for the other?  Does it result from boredom? From an existing dull or unhappy marriage or partnership?  Does one long for the other so they can get rescued them from something they themselves feel incapable of doing?  This would certainly provide a nice and tidy answer.  And, sometimes exploring the various possible scenarios with clients, they recognize the motivation for their longing.  But, I’ve experienced the opposite with clients too.  What if the answer to the above is a resolute ”no.”  What if life seemed good, solid, secure and certain until the other appeared?  What if this longing for the other is more about the soul’s work being continued?  What if the Universe opened the door to the other for mutual soul growth?  Possible? 

I believe we always have free will and never obligated to follow an exact path.  Eventually we learn the lessons we need, one way or another for the soul’s advancement.  And yet, what then is the purpose of such intense feelings when one longs for the other?  I do not have an answer.  I only know that the intensity of longing for the other is as real as any other sense.  Because sometimes when the proverbial apple cart gets toppled there may be resistance to placing the apples back as before.  They no longer fit.