Entries Tagged 'Relationships' ↓

By:  Suzanne Maiden

The sublime power of sex; heightened sensual sensations, aroused emotions, the divine expression of love, the final crescendo culminating in physical ecstasy is a true spiritual gift.  I recently had a lengthy conversation with a young person regarding the distinction between what we termed ‘physical maintenance’ vs. making love.  I was so struck by this person’s eloquence and ability to language such profound feelings.  This young male longed for the union he formerly experienced with another.  He had access to others, and indeed acted upon their sexual willingness to provide him with ‘physical maintenance.’  But, his experience, in his final analysis, felt barely more than any other physical task one does to maintain the body. 

Our dialogue intrigued me.  I pondered his emotional longing to sexually express his most tender feelings to another – not just any other but the other.  As a psychotherapist, I am very comfortable discussing sexuality.  However seemingly odd or culturally aberrant one’s fantasies appear, I’m not squeamish.  I am fascinated how sexual fantasies become activated.  But, that is a different essay.

I realized, even for many young people, meaningful sex is much more the objective than orgasm.  Meaningful sex is the closest way we can go beyond the human condition.  The physical connection through sexual intercourse accesses the sacred, the celestial, and the divine ~ in this manner we transcend from physical beings to spiritual.  Spiritual ecstasy is when we have glimpsed the other side, we cross the portal with a lover through powerful, meaningful sexual union. 

When sexual intercourse is seen from this context – an attempt to cross the threshold into spiritual ecstasy, then it is understandable why everyone seeks it.  The issue arises when one misinterprets their sexual appetites as merely primal, when in fact they really search for something so much more profound.  Casual sex encounters, I postulate, are really misguided attempts to connect with the divine.  Because our culture is uncomfortable with openly discussing sexuality, people acquire false beliefs around sex.  Some people end up bumbling around for decades having multiple partners, they get physical maintenance through immediate sexual satisfaction – but the question remains, is it enough?  Is the experience life-sustaining?  I believe the multiple-partner person actual seeks a sexual union with the other in an effort to transcend them towards spiritual ecstasy.  I believe each of us desperately wants to open our divine gift of sexual intimacy which will transcend us to spiritual ecstasy. 

Stephanie from Louisiana called and asked how she can “get over” her spouses previous poor financial decisions that they finally are recovering from. Stephanie can’t “let go” of her spouses mistake and admits she constantly monitors his every move and reminds him of his prior poor judgment. How can she move forward?

Dear Stephanie:

When one partner makes a big mistake in the relationship either via finances, drugs or alcohol, infidelity, or some other infraction - then the innocent partner possesses a golden opportunity to hold the other emotional hostage. What is an emotional hostage? It’s when one partner emphasizes their alleged victimization towards the person behind the violation. The result is the “violator” yields to the “victim’s” every demand.

So, in your case, your husband made poor financial decisions which sounds like it resulted in monetary devastation for you both. You say you’re slowly pulling yourselves out of the hole and achieved relative financial stability. But you have difficulty not holding his past mistake over his head and “watching everything he does.” Your level of trust in the relationship has been damaged. I hear that. It’s normal for a partner to feel apprehensive after the other has used poor judgment. However, it sounds like you may regard yourself as the “victim” and your husband as the “violator.”

The scenario then, plays out in a classic victim-violator dance. The victim insists they have no culpability and constantly reminds the violator: “This is your fault!” The violator often racked with guilt and remorse, acquiesces to the demands of the victim. Now the cycle for emotional hostage is firmly established.

It may feel temporarily good to play out the victim role, and keep the violator in a place of submission, but this dynamic eventually backfires. Why? Because the distribution of power in the relationship is unbalanced and skewed. The violator will tire of always getting cast as the bad guy. He will ultimately rebel, either overtly or passive-aggressively. Either way, it will be ugly.

Suggestions:

1. Ask yourself if it’s possible you’re holding your partner emotional hostage.
2. If you answer “yes” to question 1, ask yourself what you get from this place of power and control by keeping him submissive.
3. Talk with your spouse and openly discuss your difficulty in “letting go.” Name the number one thing you need to heal. Be concrete, be specific.
4. After identifying what you need to help yourself heal, ask him what he needs to move forward. You may be pleasantly surprised.
5. Agree to stop checking on everything he does, shaming him, and reminding him of the past so you can begin to break the cycle of holding him emotional hostage.
6. If you still have difficulty “letting go” get into therapy to help you address what this situation triggers for you. Your trigger (most likely) stems from a childhood wounding when someone in authority violated your trust. Now as an adulthood, you seek to regain power that you did not have as a wounded child.

Remember, awareness of a dysfunctional relationship dynamic is truly the first step in dismantling it. You can do it! Good luck.

 

 Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

By: Suzanne Maiden

When your partner is in recovery for substance abuse for either drugs or alcohol or both, the supporting partner should abstain.  Period.  I know many couples who have a partner in recovery and continue to use, specifically alcohol.  I hear, “Why should I stop drinking?  I’m not the alcoholic?” I do not understand this attitude.

I thoroughly enjoy drinking wine.  I especially enjoy fine wine.  I enjoy the buzz and relaxing with friends.  But, if my partner had issues with alcohol – I would never drink again.  I would give up my love of wine.  Why?  Because, I would never want my partner to taste wine on my lips, or smell it on my breath, or do anything that could contribute to their relapse.  I would behaviorally convey that we’re a team.  My partner’s sustained remission would be so paramount to me that I would permanently adapt my behavior. I know my provocative position will elicit a prickly response in many people.  I get it.  And, you may say, “If you’ve never had a partner in recovery then you don’t know what you would do.”  True enough.  It’s always easy to make righteous judgments full of bravado until you walk in that path.  But, I would like to think that my partner’s recovery would be such a priority for me, and for us as a couple, that I would willingly forgo alcohol.  I would like to think that my love for them would trump any temporary use of mind altering substances that I formerly enjoyed.  I am also speaking from the assumption that I am not addicted and have to ability to discontinue at will. 

The bottom line:  If your partner is in recovery, or reached sustained remission, and you still use that substance, ask yourself:

• What do I “need” from the substance?
• Am I metaphorically flipping my finger in a passive-aggressive stance at my partner and thinking: “Ha! I can do it but you can’t?”
• Does my partner want me to stop, but I don’t?
• Do I minimize the impact of my use on my partner?
• Am I addicted either physically or emotionally to that substance? 
• Am I subconsciously sabotaging my partner’s recovery?  For example, often the sober partner has more control over the addict and is  not in a big hurry to help them heal.  They don’t want to give up their power and control in the relationship. 

These are tough questions.  And, they need to be honestly answered if you continue to use while your partner is in recovery.  If you answer “yes” to any of the above, find a competent therapist who specializes in addictions, and/or attend ALANON meetings.  Help yourself better understand your resistance – it will only serve to increase the probability that your relationship survives… if you want.

Dear Zanny:

So I woke up at 6:30 this morning to find my husband at the kitchen table already working. It is rare for him to be up this early, and even rarer for him to be working so soon, so I asked him what’s up. He says he’s been up since 5 AM because he had a bad dream about me. I know what’s coming… I’m supposed to go to Lake Tahoe tomorrow for a girl’s weekend. I’ve been hesitant about it since we planned it because my husband is EXTREMELY jealous. I was worried that Tahoe might present too many “threats” (i.e. there might be a man at the slot machine next to me). We have been going to counseling for the last couple of months, but we haven’t even gotten to the jealousy issue.

Anyway, the dream he had was about me “talking” to another man in a flirty way. He says he trusts me to act responsible, but I know he doesn’t. Now I want to cancel the trip (there are other factors too, like $$, childcare) just because I don’t want to deal with him perceiving something that isn’t really there (like there might be a man in the background of a picture we take!).

It’s so frustrating because I have never cheated on him, or any man for that matter. His issues are too long to mention here (hence the counseling)… My question is, how many of you have jealous husbands and how do you deal? I feel trapped.

Dear Trapped:

No wonder you feel trapped!  You’re a prisoner in your own marriage.  First, if you only get one thing out of this response, get this:  Your husband’s jealousy has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.  His insecurities sound very deeply rooted.  I am curious why “We’ve been going to counseling for the last couple of months, but haven’t even gotten to the jealousy issue.”  Why not?  It is clearly a huge issue for you both.  It’s normal for a spouse to feel tinges of jealousy or possessiveness at different times during a marriage – we all have our insecurities.  But what you describe here crosses from within normal range to neurotic.  His neurotic jealousy is not healthy for him, your children, or YOU. 

I. Answer first part of your question:  “How many people have jealous husbands?” A lot!  Many people have jealous spouses.  People handle their partner’s possessiveness in various ways - depending on how extreme their neurosis is.  Some partners verbally reassure the insecure partner that all is well, and it will suffice.  Other partners have to “prove” their loyalty in small ways – especially when there has been a rupture in the relationship, such as an affair, substance abuse, or other issues, this is normal.  But what you describe is not normal.

II. Answer second part of your question:  “How do you deal?”  You have several choices:

1) Continue in therapy but bring this topic up next session – no excuses!

2) Decide what you believe is fair and within normal limits of your personal freedom, be very concrete and clear, then stick to it.  For example, “Tom, I’m going to Lake Tahoe with my girlfriends like we discussed.  I am not doing anything to jeopardize our marriage, or anything I would be resistant to sharing with you. I need you to support me and trust me.”   

3) Get into individual therapy for additional support to help you navigate through this difficult terrain.

4) Leave the marriage.  I don’t say this lightly, but if your spouse cannot loosen his neurotic grip you owe it to yourself to save yourself and your children. 

Remember, every relationship is negotiable, and re-negotiable.  You are 50% of your marriage and you have rights not only as a spouse, but as a human being.  Don’t cave into someone’s neurotic demands.  It may be hard to hold your ground, but in the long run it’s so much healthier for the family unit as a whole. Good Luck!

 

 Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Swiss psychiatrist, C.G. Jung, talked extensively about the projection of one’s anima/animus - our inner opposite gender.  When we meet our animus (the inner male for women) or anima (inner female for men) - it’s instant kinetic attraction.  My God, you will feel it like a tsunami.  You will find yourself fantasizing about them in every sense.  You may not understand why they have an emotional grip around your very being.  What is happening to me, you ask?  Congratulations, you’ve just encountered your own inner anima/animus.  What is the composition of your particular anima/animus?  Ask yourself:  What does my ideal lover look like, sound like, what kind of job do they have, what type of style clothing do they wear, what does their energy feel like?  Continue reading →

“To know all, is to understand all.”  That’s a Zanny-ism.  A Zanny-ism is an original quote by me.  They may not be brilliant, but they will be practical and applicable to most people.  So, one thing I know for sure is: when you know all the pieces of information, everything else makes sense.  It all fits together.  As a Family Therapist, I see the dynamic over and over again.  Often what a client tells me doesn’t quite all fit together.  I sense something is missing - but even after repeated questioning, the client may sit across from me and shake their head in denial that they’ve provided every piece of information.  Now, the client may not always be aware or have conscious memory of certain events.  I am here to validate repressed memory in clients is very, very real.  The human capacity for such superior cognitive sophistication blows my mind away!  As a therapist, it’s a trip to witness.  Not every client intentionally withholds.  But some do for various motives and when the truth is eventually divulged, it’s an “ah-ha” moment for me.

How can you apply this knowledge?  When you try to figure someone or some situation out - but keep hitting a dead end - it’s almost always because you do not have all of the information.  Even when someone swears they are telling you everything.  Because, when you have all of the information, then the rest of the puzzle makes sense.  It finally all fits together in a very logical way.  When something does not add up, ask yourself what the mostly likely piece of the scenario could be missing.  Even if it it is unlikely and sounds far fetched - you’re probably close to the truth.      

Marion from WI left a vm.  Marion was told by a trusted friend that another friend’s kid is involved in high risk behaviors.  What should she do?  If you want to listen to my podcast, click to the left of this screen and play.

Dear Marion:

1) Ask yourself what is your goal?  Once you define your goal, it shapes your course of action.

2) If your goal is to intervene on the kid’s behalf - you will probably disclose to the parent.

3) Before you tell the parents you should ask parent, “If I know something about one of your kids/family members that’s potentially dangerous to them, would you want to know?” Most parents say “yes.” 

4) Pick a time that the parent will have time to process information, e.g., they’re not on the way to work, or other commitment.

5) Remind the parent that you trust your source - and your goal is to intervene so the kid stops whatever high risk behavior/s they are doing.

6) You have to realize not all parents will be receptive to your information.  Your disclosure may cost you the friendship - is that OK?

7) After you disclose to the parent ask how you can help, for example, if it’s substance abuse you can easily get a 10-panel UDS (urine drug screen) that tests for 10 major drug categories.  Your family physician may have them, or you can order on-line.  They’re inexpensive, easy to use and accurate.

Lastly, sometimes doing the right thing is difficult.  I applaud you, Marion, for caring enough to think this through thoroughly.  Good Luck! 

 

 Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

My God  - the ecstasy and agony of love.  Have you ever been addicted to a lover?  How do you know?  Have you ever felt your knees shake, your heart race, tongue-tied, or faint at the sight of them?  Have you broken up and gotten back together - over and over again?  If you can answer “yes” to any of those… you’re an addict.  A former client of mine struggled ending a toxic 10-year marriage.  She and her husband had seperated numerous times and always ended up back in bed together, reuniting and then the cycle began again.   She eventually filed for divorce, and followed through, although the invisible pull towards him was powerful.  I could identify with her torn feelings and broken spirit.

I was addicted to someone once…  I’ll call him “John” - it was the only time in my life when I experienced ”love at first sight” - it was mutual.  We were together for several years.  Our affair was intensely passionate, terribly toxic and dysfunctional, and we were both miserable when we were apart.  Continue reading →

Listener email:

Dear Zanny - I have listened since almost day one to the Divas and was so glad to hear you are doing this show… I value your advice!

My background is a Bachelor of Science in Family Relations and Child Development. I worked counseling parents of disabled or delayed children birth to three and coordinating special services for their children for almost 10 years. My ‘specialty’ was micro premature babies…

I have been with my husband since 10/2000 and we were married 5/02. He was a confirmed bachelor when we met – he is 10 years my senior (I am 33) and I had to threaten him I would break off our relationship if we did not get married – and he ‘caved in’ and we married the following May. I was hearing my ‘clock ticking’ since I wanted two children and I knew with his age he would want children sooner than later or we’d miss that window. I know now I should have left him and found another – but I did not. I was burned in my first marriage by a cheating man and divorced him prior to graduating college. I dated a high school sweetheart almost a year and he did pretty much the same thing. I found my husband through a dating service (this is before Match.com and such!) and liked him since he was OPPOSITE my other ‘men’ I had dated/married. He was a civil engineer, quiet, did not like to socialize. I know I did this out of fear of a cheating man. But I did it any way. Continue reading →

 

 Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

I watched him get out of a new pick-up truck.  He wore a black Harley-Davidson t-shirt and blue jeans with scuffed brown leather boots with rounded toes.  His slicked-backed silver hair matched the several ounces of sterling jewelry that adorned his beefy frame.  His face, from what I could see of it, under the gray sunglasses, looked younger than his hair suggested.  He walked towards me, unsmiling.  I was fighting to lift a filled cooler of ice and beer into the back of my Jeep Wrangler.  I purchased cold drinks for my brother and his fiance who were in the middle of do-it-yourself-move into their new home.  The thermometer read 90 and the humidity made my curly hair exponentially expand.  It was a typical Georgia summer day.  Warm sweat trickled down my spine.  Maybe my all white athletic shorts and fitted t-shirt wasn’t the best choice - I felt like a wilted flower.  He walked closer.  

Continue reading →

Listener wrote: 

Dear Zanny,
My husband attended a party the other night with some friends that are much younger than he is. - I have never met these people.. They next morning I had to use his cell phone because our home phone’s battery died, and found a picture of 2 girls making out.. I was furious.. He did not understand why i was so upset.. Did i overreact? was this really no big deal????

Thanks!

Dear Furious:

You’re entitled to feel however you do.  You don’t need my permission, or anyone else’s to validate your feelings.  The assumption is your husband took these photos, right?  Well, what are the expectations in your marriage?  What are the general rules and boundaries?  Remember, everything and every relationship is negotiable. 

 Suggestions:

1) Tell you husband you need to talk with him about his and ask him when a good time would be - let him name the time.  Never is not an option.

2) Calmly tell you husband why you find these photos upsetting.  Use the “I feel ________, when you _____________, and what I need from you is ___________________” strategy to help him avoid becoming defensive, then you both emotionally escalate which results in a dead end.  Stay calm.

3) Emphasize that marriage is a team and this type of behavior does not positively contribute to the success of your team.  Re-evaluate, together, what expectations you both have in this relationship.  This sounds obvious, but we get stuck in a rut and forget to renegotiate the rules and name the ‘deal breakers.’

4) If your spouse continues to engage in behaviors that are incongruent with your mutually agreed upon standards - get a good Therapist. 

Lastly, even if he is unwilling to attend couples counseling, go by yourself to get the support and validation you need.  Your husband’s behavior may be a one-time no-big-deal event, or it could be the first red flag that your marriage has some issues.  If you begin counseling, your spouse will know you’re serious, and many times the resistant partner will eventually begin to participate.  Either way, a skilled therapist can help give your relationship a tune-up and get back on track.

Thanks for sharing your story.  Good luck!  

 

 Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Listener email: 

 ”Dear Zanny,
Lately I feel like I am going insane. I live in one of the best cities in the world (New York), however, I am not happy here.

I have a husband who loves me, but we don’t always get along as well as we should. I seem to let his little quirks irritate me. I let it show, and we end up fighting over it. Yet, we go on vacation every year to some place nice, take a couple long weekends per year ( again to some place nice), eat at the best restaurants, see Broadway shows and still I feel like I was happier when I was single living alone in a smaller city. He blames me for us not having friends, yet, we knew no one upon moving here 4 years ago, and meeting other couples is hard, in my opinion. I am not a big socializer, don’t really enjoy meeting new people but I am open to it.

I also despise my job. It is a small office and I avoid my co workers like the plague. It is cliquey, and full of two faced people who talk about you behind your back. It is a lost cause, because of my horrible attitude and complete utter disregard for my peers and management, I feel like I will be fired before I am able to get a new job. I think they keep me because I come to work every day, and am cross trained on all the different functions we do. I get paid fairly well, have benefits, and a decent 401k.

I know most people would love to be in my shoes, but really, I’ve been much happier on the past. I feel like I owe it to my husband to stick this out. If I were to leave I’d be starting from zero and he would be devastated. Thoughts?

Thanks Zanny, enjoy your show.

Signed,
Spoiled little brat in NYC

Sent from my iPod”

Dear Spoiled little brat in NYC:

You don’t sound spoiled to me…  you do sound depressed.  Generally speaking, when someone presents with a similar situation, one of the first question a therapist would ask is:  Do these symptoms result from a situational event, or an underlying medical condition?  A good clinician always rules out medical possibilities because the best therapy in the world won’t cure an underlying medical condition.  Continue reading →

 

 Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Amanda from IL left a vm and expressed frustration with her girlfriend - but acknowledged, ”I know it’s me.”  Anytime we get a zing from someone - stop, go to the nearest mirror, and look at your reflection.  It’s nearly always a projection.  What characteristics does that person carry that you either deny in yourself, or feel too inferior to own?  It’s normal, you’re human, and - we all do it!  Projection is a gift, because it allows us to see what we most need to integrate into our own psyche.  It’s all good. 

I prefer voice mails because it makes the show more interesting, but emails are great too. Listen and leave me a voice mail!

*Talk To Me!  Call me: 678-884-0524, or Listen by cell phone: 1-801-823-1125 

Email me:  Zanny@DearZanny.com.  Do you need relationship advice?  Call Zanny. Let’s talk!  Help make this show more interesting by leaving a voice mail.  

*Disclaimer:  Dear Zanny is for entertainment purposes only.  Any advice suggestions are never intented to substitute proffessional help.  For legal reasons, I will not answer e-mails directly but will use them on a future show so listen and subscribe to have DZ automagically delivered to you.

 

 Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

EMAIL: Beth wrote: 

I love your new podcast!! I heard about it from the Diva Cast and thought I would have a listen.  Well today at work, I caught up on all your episodes (Dear Zanny). I can correlate some of your advice to other events in my life (the cat and mouse and projection of your own feelings of yourself onto other), so I thought I would e-mail with my current dilemma.I have a close friend of 20+ years (since grade school) who is going through a very nasty divorce and custody battle. She has lied about a lot of things (to avoid visitation, etc), done things that I don’t agree with her other children, had her boyfriend move in with us and more…We were roommates (her, me and a total of 7 kids, OY!) and we had a falling out about a bunch of stuff and decided to not extend our lease. 

Well, when I moved out, someone told the custody evaluator that I moved because her boyfriend moved in (which she tells the courts he is not living there, and not her bf),  and that I was frightened for my kids life…. Which is one of the major factors they are considering and now suggesting full custody go to the Dad. Continue reading →

I’ve been MIA the last two months - I had a cancer recurrence, surgery, then off to a healing retreat in Eagle Nest, NM for a week.  I just returned several days ago and have been catching up with my clients.  Thanks for hanging in there with me.  I recieved multiple emails and voice mails - which really inspire me to keep going!  I prefer voice mails because it makes the show more interesting, but emails are great too.Listen and leave me a voice mail!

*Talk To Me!  Call me: 678-884-0524, or Listen by cell phone: 1-801-823-1125 

Email me:  Zanny@DearZanny.com.  Do you need relationship advice?  Call Zanny. Let’s talk!  Help make this show more interesting by leaving a voice mail.  

*Disclaimer:  Dear Zanny is for entertainment purposes only.  Any advice suggestions are never intented to substitute proffessional help.  For legal reasons, I will not answer e-mails directly but will use them on a future show so listen and subscribe to have DZ automagically delivered to you.

 

 Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download