Entries Tagged 'Self Care' ↓

By:  Suzanne Maiden

Ooooohhhhhhh, I have a new favorite song:  Crush, by David Archuleta.  The lyrics inspired me to think about what distinguishes a crush verses a real connection, e.g., love, verses a simple crush?  What is a crush?  What is love?  Do all love relationships begin with a crush?  Who knows?  How do you decipher between them? 

What happens when you have a crush on another and you know it may be like licking an ice-cream cone except this flavor  will only inflame your tongue like a dessert fire?  And yet… the pull is very strong.  It’s analogous to the moon pulling the tide.  The tide is strong in it’s own right, but the moon’s magnetic pull dictates how the tide will express itself.  The two seemingly tandem events need each-other for expression.  The moon dominates the tide, and the tide must acquiesce.  It unfolds the way nature intended.  Could this metaphor be applied to human desire, or crushes?  While the magnetic pull of the moon cannot be denied, the tide still ebbs and flows by itself.   

If we’re honest we all get crushes or feel an attraction to others - even those of us in committed relationships.  Each of us feels sexual tension towards various people at different times.  We look at another and contemplate, “Yeah, maybe a different time, different place… maybe.”  Get a group of women together, and a little alcohol in the mix, and their crush confessions come out.  Some people experience this more than others.  I certainly have to own my experience of different crushes at different times for whatever reason.  I haven’t acted on any, but the feelings have been present at various times. 

I have a confession; I have had a small, itsy-bitsy crush on my surgical oncologist, Charlie.  He’s excessively chubby.  He’s bald.  He’s extremely intelligent - OK, smart-as-hell would be my exact description.  And, oh yeah, and we laugh and laugh and laugh.  Charlie has to call me at different times to give me my CAT scan results.  We often talk for an extended period, until I finally say, “Charlie, don’t you have a life you need to save?”  I own my affection for him, and have never taken it seriously.  I regard my crush as the ‘hero worship’ scenario.  He saved my life.  And I know he would do whatever it takes to save me.  I sense he genuinely cares for me as a fellow human being.  Of course I feel affection for him.  I know that is as far is it will go. 

I diligently work at being conscious on my behaviors and underlying feelings.  It’s hard work, and I find I that I am never done.  That’s why I stay in therapy, because when I’m unconscious of my behaviors, I can count on my therapist, Barry, to set me straight - which he frequently gets the opportunity to do.  If I feel a crush or attraction to someone, I teasingly tell my husband, “Did I tell you?  He’s my next husband, hahhahaa.”  We both laugh.  No harm, no foul.  

Actually, if events unfolded so that I had the opportunity to re-marry, I would not.  I’m not interested in marriage.  It’s just not on my agenda.  In many ways, I’m better single.  But who knows this until they marry?  And, my stance does not mean I’m unhappy in my own marriage.  

So, what about crushes?  Why do we get them?  When do you know if it’s more?  Does that mean you act on it?  I don’t know.  And if we acted on every attraction - nothing in the planet would ever get done!  What about the deeper connection that penetrates physical exteriors?  As Archuleta sings, “Am I crazy or falling in love?  Is it real, or just another crush?  Do you catch your breath when I look at you?  Are you holding back like the way I do… cause I’m trying, trying to walk away, but I know this crush ain’t going away…”  

How do you decipher the difference between a crush or love?  What do you do about it?  How do you manage the intense feelings?  Call me:  678-884-0524 and anonymously share.  I know you’re out there - because some of you have privately confessed your crushes with me… 

By:  Suzanne Maiden 

We all can easily identify who they are.  The ‘unattractive ones.’  We learn at a very early age how our culture, and our specific sub-culture defines beauty.  Interestingly enough, many cultures agree on what constitutes facial beauty; body weight and shape seem to be more variable. 

Northern American culture values thinness and fitness.  The oxymoron is that our population is one of the fattest in the world.  In Brazil for example, voluptuous bottoms in women are considered very sexy.  In Greece the female who sports a Botticelli body (which would be defined as ‘fat’ by our society) are courted for their voluminous curves.  And, the well known song “Baby’s Got Back” speaks to the African American culture who value women with fuller figures.  One of the lines in the lyrics speaks to women’s measurements and what is ideal.  The lyrics sing: “…36, 26, 36?  Only if she’s 5′3″…”  Again, facial features seem to be more concrete and less flexible in beauty definition.

So what happens when the individual who does not meet the cultural criteria of beauty?  The metaphorical ‘Ugly Duckling’ scenario emerges.  They experience rejection by their peers.  I was the ‘Ugly Duckling’ during my high school years.  Nobody asked me to the prom.  Nobody asked me out.  I was awkward and didn’t really fit any specific peer group.  I was unattractive and had not yet discovered my athletic talents.  I had one best friend, Alison, and we did everything together.  The internal experience and deep psychological wounding of being cast as the Ugly Duckling never completely fades.  The experience indelibly shapes our future internal definition of self.

Now, I eventually ‘came into my own’ in my mid to late 20’s.  I learned how to control my mass of naturally curly hair, my acne subsided, and I learned to wear figure-flattering clothes vs. my former too-big-shirts which I used to mask my big boobs.  I chuckle now, because in high school I was 5′7″ and weighed 117lbs.  I actually had a beautiful figure, but because I have a classic hour glass figure, it did not meet the current criteria of beauty.  I felt huge and ridiculously tall next to the my petite classmates.  The profound impact to my psyche permanently shaped me.  Not only did I never feel pretty enough, I felt downright homely. 

I attended my 20 year high school class reunion; I made sure that I looked really good. I had the sweetest experience.  Several of the males didn’t recognize me, and were falling all over themselves to figure out who I was.  One said, “Oh my God, I can’t believe I don’t remember you!”  He continued to look at my name-tag and obviously couldn’t recall any memory of me.  I smiled and said, “Yeah where were you when I needed a date to the prom?”

Having been formerly cast and identified as the Ugly Duckling, I feel anyone’s pain who shares this experience.  Now as a practicing Family Therapist, and with some hind-sight, I suggest the following for anyone who thinks they fall into the Ugly Duckling category:

1) Identify your own talents and gifts

2) Develop these talents and gifts - maybe you’re gifted at painting, writing, music.  Maybe you have a unique hobby, regardless of how obscure, that makes interesting conversation.  Use it.  People love interesting people.  A famous ‘unattractive’ celebrity was author, Truman Capote.  He was insanely popular in New York society - and a party was not considered complete without him.  Every hostess coveted his presence.  

3) Use your sense of humor.  A good example is Woody Allen.  Most people would not describe him as ’hot’ or handsome.  But Woody Allen is slap-your-mama funny.  People adore him!  Be able to laugh at yourself.

4) Realize external beauty fades and is so temporary.  Only internal beauty is long lasting.  Yeah, yeah, you’e heard it before, but really think about this.  Why?  Because the beautiful people will eventually be at a handicap when their beauty subsides - if they haven’t developed any other aspect of ’self.’ 

5) Be kind and generous to everyone.  People respond to kindness and generosity of spirit - even the beautiful people.  We’re all insecure, I don’t care how beautiful other’s perceive us to be, most of us doubt ourselves and feel inadequate relative to others.  The proverbial grass always looks greener.  A kind word and generous intentions yield more dividends than a beautiful face or body. 

The long term impact of being early identified as the Ugly Duckling becomes part of one’s psychological landscape.  History cannot be changed, but it can be cognitively tweaked.  The way in which we regard the experience can be shaped.  I am actually glad I had the experience of being cast as the Ugly Duckling.  The experience forced me to develop other aspects of myself that I would not have done otherwise, it gave me considerably greater compassion for others who are ‘less perfect’ and I learned the value of genuine kindness and compassion.  I would not change it.     

By: Suzanne Maiden

Bodies talk.  Apparently they have a lot to say.  Our body speaks metaphorically and tells us exactly what we need to know about our psychological wounding.  Through illness, the body speaks symbolically.  The anatomical location and chakra point of an illness provide us with an abundance of  information.  Oh, many of you will resist my words and immediately become defensive and react with cognitive reasoning.  Some will intellectualize, deny, and refute this reality.  It can feel like too much to integrate that we may have some ownership in our health issues.  

However, in my humble opinion, our resistance does not negate this phenomenon.  The mind and body are intimately, deeply, inexorably woven.  The data support the mind-body connection.  If you find yourself defensive, it is OK.  I get it.  I was too.  But it is important, both physically and psychologically to understand the enormous impact psyche has on the body.  Because when we integrate our cognition with psyche, we awaken.  We identify aspects of soul which need emotional  healing.  Illness forces the issue.

I am a cancer survivor.  I do not like to dwell on this, nor is this a covert means to elicit compassion.  I am OK with my experience.  Cancer catapulted my awareness.  I was forced to examine what toxic energies I continued to carry.  But this essay’s focus is not my cancer history.  My own cancer is merly a springboard to provide validity on how I regard my body as a metaphor for what needed psychological healing.  And, my own therapist had to drag me to this realization - I kicked and screamed and resisted his interpretation of events the entire way.  But now I get it.  He will chuckle at this writing.  I resisted his assertion that my cancer had anything to do with my emotional wounding.  How dare he even suggest that I had culpability!  But I surely did.  Unless I actively worked my stuff, I knew I would die.  I’ve never met one other person who has survived my type particular type of cancer- a 9cm hemangiopericytoma.  The only people I’ve met who are familiar with this rare disease are the loved one’s left behind.   

What illnesses present themselves to you?  Where are they located?  Our Western culture, so egotistically inflated with ’scientific data’ often denounces Eastern thoughts which suggest illness and psyche directly correlate.  However, Western medicine is coming around.  I understand that even Ivy League Medical Schools offer alternative medicine curriculum and expose future physicians to cultural variations for healing.  This is good.  I do not suggest that anyone sacrifice Western medicine to exclusively embrace Eastern philosophy.  I suggest we integrate both philosophies - for they are not mutually exclusive but can live as companions.  East and West finally meet, meld and mesh.  I think this is wise.      

By:  Suzanne Maiden

I swore I would NEVER do THAT to my body - hahahahahahha.  The Universe has such a wonderfully wicked and playful sense of humor.  Because now, after a rare, nasty, mean-spirited cancer that left me with a 13″ scar from my right spine over my right hip into my right groin… I want one.  I want a tattoo. 

Me, a tattoo?  My family does not do tattoos.  My mother had me destined to become a debutante!  But, instead of donning silver slippers, I selected steel-toed combat boots.  Because much to my parents horror, I did not become a debutante, I enlisted in the US Air Force.  And even as an Active Duty military person I never considered a tattoo.  Odd how life reconfigures us and our story.

Now, when I look at my disfigured, scarred body, I think, “I need something to ritualize this experience…”  I conclude the ancient Greek Ouroboros (the serpent consuming it’s own tail) would be the perfect metaphor for me.  Why?  Because the Ouroboros represents the cyclical nature of life and death over and over.  Several months prior to my initial cancer diagnoses, I dreamed of serpents.  They obsessively slithered into my nightly dream life.  I hated them.  But, what I later learned, is the serpent is a powerful symbol of healing. 

Christianity has given the snake a bad rap.  Many indigenous cultures still regard the serpent as the creature who comes from below to bring primordial knowledge.  Even Christianity must give credit to the serpent.  Because, without the snake Adam and Eve would have remained in the Garden of Eden.  Without the serpent - they would have never become conscious.  The serpent brings consciousness to us, to our lives, to our inner conflicts.  If you’re unfamiliar with the Ouroboros, just look at my website header on the right is a shadow of the Ourboros. 

If I am to mark my flesh, it must represent something spiritually significant.  The serpent is a spiritual icon for me.  A friend of mine suggested perhaps having the serpent slither around the entire 13″ scar… what a lovely and apropos image  for me.  This is analogous to out modern day medical symbol for healing - the caduceus which portrays double inter-twinned snakes around the staff.

I still dream of snakes.  Sometimes I’m in the center with serpents in a circle surrounding me.  Each one, individually approaches me and has secret wisdom to impart - but alas, I do not speak serpent language.  The patient, primordial, cold- blooded creatures continue coming to me.  Sometimes they dance with me.  I know something big is approaching me when they begin to appear in my dream world again.  I had a long respite from dream serpents.  Then, weeks before I was diagnosed with more cancer, they slithered into my night psyche again.  This time, the white snake was prominent.  The white snake is the hero of a well known Russian Fairy tale.  The white snake brings wisdom to the king of the land.  I should be so fortunate.

So, once again, I am reminded to never say “never.”  Or, the Universe creates an experience to challenge me.  Here I sit contemplating not if, I should get a tattoo, but how I want it to look.  For me, it is a personal symbol.  I do not do it for anyone else’s eyes but my own. 

What do you think of tattoos?  Would you ever get one?  Call me: 678-884-0524.      

By:  Suzanne Maiden

I have a confession:  When I hate my hair - I hate my life.  It’s embarrassingly shallow, I know.  And I may as well be walking around naked for all to assess my body – because psychologically that’s how I feel.  But, it’s my truth - exposed.  And, I don’t think I am alone.  I wonder how much money is spent on hair care each year in this country?  I’m not the only one either.

Europeans are just as vain and even more expressive.  I’m certain.  That is, Europeans adapt a chameleon’s attitude.  They don’t mind going to extreme colors or styles to adapt to their environment or be a wild spark of color amongst it.  It’s the psychology of hair.  What is it about the abundance, or lack of… the texture, the color, and the style of dead cells that spurt from our scalp each month that governs our emotional well-being?  Who knows?  It certainly could meet the diagnostic criteria for neurosis.  I admit, I have a long-term difficult relationship with my unruly curls.   Because they insist on expressing themselves contrary to my wishes. 

How can something as benign as hair impact my attitude?  It’s ridiculous.  It’s shallow.  It’s narcissistic.  My thoughts must be no deeper than a puddle after a Georgia summer rain during the drought.  However, the Bible makes numerous references to hair - thank goodness - I can blame it all on God.  What’s the first story one thinks of?  Yes, Samson and Delilah.  Samson’s hair equated to his physical strength.  When Delilah, in an act of betrayal, had Samson’s hair cut off while he was sleeping - his extraordinary strength vanished.  This story brought increased consciousness to our hair.  Hair care was born!

Our language supports our over identification with hair.  Clichés like, “Her hair is her crowning glory.”  Interestingly, hair does surround the crown chakra, well, if one believes in such things.  No matter, when I have a ’bad hair day’ everything else seems to follow suit.  When my frizz factor pegs the Richter scale - even with products - my attitude escalates too.  For some reason, people seem to especially enjoy critiquing my mane.  I wear my hair naturally curly.  I’ve given up trying to flat iron my curls - it only last for a few hours anyway and it is very damaging. Occasionally, I get reinforcement for sustaining my natural state.  One woman chased me down in a parking lot to inquire who cuts my hair, how is it cut, and what products do I use because she “loved it.”  I do receive many compliments.  People act bi-polar when expressing their opinion about my hair.  They either love it or hate it. 

Conversely, others seem to dismiss their societal manners and feel free to comment on my hair’s unruly appearance. Just this week, an older man spoke to me at the gym.   I saw him looking at me, then he finally approached and said, “Wow, I just can’t quit looking at your hair - it’s uh, really wild.”  I smiled and responded, “Well, is that good or bad?”  He wasn’t sure.  He back peddled and with a smile said, ”Uh, I don’t know you well enough to asses that yet.”  Huh?

I know I’m not alone.  Please tell me I am not.  OK, OK, Okay!  I have evidence that I’m not.  Enter any ladies room (well, if you’re male, I don’t recommend this…) and you will witness women lined up in front of the mirrors.  What do they primp the most?  Their hair.  Yep.  I’ve seen my girlfriends carry HUGE (could be listed as a deadly weapon!) bottles of hair spray, clips, waxes, and serums all to coax, fuss and fret over every strand.  I don’t carry all this stuff, but I get caught up in snagging some of their products as long as they have them out and available. Call me with your hair care issues at at 678-884-0524.  Tell me I’m not alone… I need some support.  Because, when I hate my hair, I hate my life!  Do you ever feel this way?  Does the appearance of your hair influence, positively, or negatively your attitude?  Call me.   

By: Suzanne Maiden 

Our dreams provide us with profound information - pregnant with meaning, dreams illuminate our emotional health.  Dream data suggest what needs psychological excavation, examination, and healing.  When a client needs access to difficult material they consciously resist dredging up, we explore their dreams.   

As Hall (1984) said, “The dream is to the psyche as an x-ray is to the body.”  Oftentimes, new clients minimize and poo-poo the notion that their dreams have meaning.  Usually, it only takes one time for us to explore a “big” dream - and they’re hooked.  Some clients sit and cry after processing a dream, because the dream so accurately portrays their inner world which they are just beginning to explore.  Clients e-mail me, leave voice-mails, and stop me in public excitedly describing a dream they need help dissecting.  Jung said, “Dreams are, after all, compensation for the conscious attitude.”  What we have difficulty consciously owning, the dream clarifies.

I am grateful I trained with notably the best dream analyst in the country.  For 7 years, Barry Williams, has been my own dream analyst.  In the world of psychoanalysis, Depth psychology, and Jungian concepts - Barry is considered the Godfather of dream interpretation - and one of the last greats of this work.  He is a direct disciple of C.G. Jung.  People travel from around the world to work with him.  Because I learned from the master, I feel free to speak with some authority regarding dream interpretation.

What do your dreams mean?  Dreams speak symbolically.  Dreams speak metaphorically.  Dreams carry archetypal energy and schema’s - archetypes are ancient world wide patterns that may be seen in every culture.  For example, some classic archetypal themes include: the ‘wise old woman/man’, the ‘virgin’, the ‘healer’, the ‘warrior’ or the ‘teacher’.  Jung said that dreams perform a self-regulatory function, and are imperative for personal growth and survival.   Because dreams speak symbolically, the symbols are unique to the dreamer - except when larger archetypal motifs dominate.  This is why dream interpretation books with standard answers do not work.  For example, when the dreamer dreams about a snake - it does not automatically mean a penis, unless you’re a strict follower of Freud.  Although, the snake could represent the proverbial penis if the dreamer has this association.  However, it is unlikely. 

Where to begin interpreting your dream?  Keep a dream journal by your bed.  Many dreams are forgotten on the way to the bathroom!  The following is a quick way to interpret you dream.  It is difficult to interpret a dream by yourself (and C.G. Jung declared it nearly impossible to interpret a dream’s meaning by oneself) but this do-it-yourself technique is a good beginning.

1) Write down every detail of the dream; people, colors, smells, location, and feeling-tone.

2) Highlight the most significant parts.

3) Begin a column and re-write the most significant part as a header.  Underneath that header, free-associate.  Write down every association to that one significant piece.  Do this for each significant piece.  

4) Narrow down the associations - which really resonate with you?  Which associations carry big energy?  This creates a picture, or story, you can begin to piece together an overall theme.  What are you left with after this point? 

Two key points:  First, this essay is not applicable to Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder dream recall/flashbacks, or psychic-prophetic dreams.  Second, anyone you dream about is almost always YOU.  For example, if I dream about Sarah Palin, the dream is only using her persona to identify the part of me that is Sarah Palin-ish - whatever she means to me.  However I describe Sarah Palin, is a projection.  A projection is a part of me that I cannot own or consciously carry, so I project onto another.  Whether I love or loathe her, if she shows up in my dream, it still represents the part of me that I love or loath.   

Lastly, “It would be an extraordinary waste of nature’s time if dreams did not contribute in some vitally important way to our survival” (Stevens, 1994).  Honor your dreams and their message.  Dreams can be literally life-saving - they were and continue to be for me…               

 

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Dear Zanny,Hi, this is Annie from California. I have a very abusive relationship with my father. We usually don’t see middle ground on many things, but the worst thing is that whenever I disagree and provoke his temper, he explodes and abuses me either verbally and/or physically. My dad has called me hopeless, futile, pathetic, fat, dumb and numerous other put downs that I consider unacceptable for a father to say to his daughter. He’s kicked, slapped, and even spit on me on occasions.After a huge blowout, my father would come back to his rational senses and try to apologize, telling me how much he loves me. As a daughter, I forgave him time after time.

However, this last time, I’ve decided I had enough. I’ve been abused way too much to let this happen to me again. I now hardly speak to my dad, and try to avoid being in the same room with him at all times.

Since I am a college student, it is impossible for me to loose all ties with my father, since he is financially responsible for my tuition and my lifestyle.  My mom has a hard time with all of this, but she often sides with my father asking if I can forgive my dad again because she hates to see the family so broken up. I love my mom, but I can’t let myself be so vulnerable and abused again. What should I do? I’ve talked to friends and a counselor about this, but nothing has changed. Please help me!
Thanks Zanny.

-Annie

Resonse:

1) Your father is an abusive bully who has anger management issues which result in poor impulse control

2) I’m so glad to hear you say that his behavior is unacceptable – that is a healthy response

3) Most children repeatedly will forgive parental abuse, that’s normal because children always want their parents’ approval

4) I am going to challenge you on your thinking. It is NOT impossible for you to cut ties due to his financial help. It’s more difficult to do-it-yourself, and thousands of college students do it every year. Financial aid is available. Go to your college’s financial aide department and begin to explore your options.

5) Regarding your mom:  It is her choice to stay with your father, she is an adult and responsible for her own choices.  I wonder what she gets from staying? People continue in behavioral patterns in which there is a payoff – what’s hers?

6) YOU are NOT breaking up the family if you do not allow your father to hit, slap, or spit on you.  Hold your boundaries. This is a classic blame-the-victim stance.  It’s your father’s abuse and your mother’s condoning it, that will impact the family – NOT YOU.

7) You are the emotionally healthy one in this scenario.  I applaud you for your emotional fortitude to recognize the kookiness of this situation.

Considerations:

1) Decide right now that you will never tolerate either verbal or physical abuse from your father again. Period.

2) Call your parents and tell them, very firmly, that until they can ensure/guarantee your physical safety, you cannot be around them. Do this via phone so your father is not within physical proximity to you.

3) Tell your mother that her stance in protecting your father is also not acceptable to you. She certainly has the prerogative to side with him – but you do not. Say something like: “Mom, I don’t understand why you put the burden on me of keeping the family together. You know dad is both verbally and physically abusive. I will no longer tolerate his behavior. If he ever hits me again, I will call the police and file charges. For my own mental and physical welfare, I cannot be around him unless he can guarantee my safety.”

4) Regarding your father’s financial support. If he attempts to use financial control by threatening to stop assistance you may say something like: “Dad, that’s your choice to use your money however you want. I will be disappointed if you discontinue helping me with my college endeavors. However, I will not continue to put myself at risk – emotionally or physically – to ensure financial aid.”

5) Annie, you have the right to protect yourself. Your email suggests you already know this, you just need validation; so here it is: STOP! Do not allow your father to verbally or physically abuse you. He needs help. He has huge impulse control and anger issues. You’re an adult now and safe. You do not have to tolerate him or anyone ever hurting you again.

Good luck!

By: Suzanne Maiden

Another plane crash. One hundred-fifty-three are dead, and thousands begin to grieve. Broken hearts bleed as pieces of mangled bodies and bits of aircraft parts are “bagged and tagged” and carried off to a make-shift morgue. Unfortunately, I am a card carrying member of the ‘losing a loved one to an aviation disaster’ club.

On October 31, 1994 American Eagle flight 4184 carried a full load of passengers. They were destined for Chicago-O’Hare but due to traffic congestion and weather, air traffic control diverted the ATR-72 turboprop to Roselawn, IN. Twenty some minutes later, the aircraft began “…rapidly rotating at more than 50 degrees of bank per second, the aircraft was on its back…G forces exceeded two and one-half times normal. The aircraft dropped more than 600 feet every second. G forces reached 5.2…the outer 10 feet of both wings and the horizontal tail separated from the airliner. The last voice heard on the black box was the pilot who said, ‘Aw, shit!’ as the aircraft smashed to the ground and disintegrated into pieces.” (Stephen Frederick, 1996, Unheeded Warning, p. 47)

My brother, Rob McMillin, aged 37 years, was on that plane. He was returning early from a business meeting in an attempt to take his two sons, Douglas and Jamey, aged 5 and 3 years, respectively, trick-or-treating for Halloween. We did not know only pieces of his foot and torso would return to us in a sealed casket weeks later.

As a practicing psychotherapist, bereavement is one of my clinical specialties. This is a very condensed version of what you need to know if you or someone you care about is grieving:

1. Generally, it takes about 24 months to regain emotional equilibrium from a loved one’s sudden death. This doesn’t mean ‘healed’ – it means you can begin to function with a relative sense of normalcy.
2. Sudden death typically is a more complicated type of grief to navigate. This means, the process is amplified and extended vs. anticipatory death.
3. Get support. Identify support groups in your area and go, or if you’re not a group person, get a therapist who specializes in bereavement. Call a local hospice for suggestions of locations and therapists. People erroneously assume that family members can support them – unlikely. Family members have their own emotional work to do.
4. Allow yourself to grieve! You cannot outrun, anesthetize, or forget your pain. I tried. Grief will haunt you in very insidious ways. You’ve got to work it, work it, work it. Be conscious of your pain; acknowledge how this loss impacts every aspect of your being. Allow yourself a set aside time to process, then it’s OK to put it mentally away for a short period. The grieving process is like a marathon, not a sprint. Pace yourself.
5. Suicidal thoughts are normal and especially peak around the 9 month post incident point. It’s a very predictable pattern. Don’t try to handle these powerful emotions by yourself. Tell a trusted friend and get help!
6. Engage in comforting rituals. Plant a tree, talk aloud to your loved one, create photo albums, celebrate their life in whatever ways feel meaningful. I baked my brother his favorite birthday cake every year. I sloshed around in his grey leather dock-siders for months – even though they were too big, I loved seeing where his feet molded the worn leather.
7. Ambivalent feelings are normal. You will experience idolizing your loved one to being very angry with them. This is so normal. Don’t wallow in guilt if you (eventually) feel pissed off at them for dying. You’re normal.
8. Eliminate Emotional Parasites. If there are people in your life that drain you, e.g. emotional vampires – disengage from them. This may be a permanent change or temporary. Honor your feelings. Grief takes exhorbanant amounts of emotional energy. Don’t allow someone to parasitically feed off of you. Protect your energy supply.

The above are overly brief suggestions from my unfinished manuscript on grief. If you have questions, please leave me a vm at: 678-884-0524. Don’t suffer alone, or try to navigate through the terrain of grief solo – get support!

by: Suzanne Maiden

My body is no longer beautiful.  I am disfigured.  Cancer surgery to remove a fist-sized tumor that attached itself to my lower spine, hip, and back of my stomach muscle - left my body rearranged.  What a humbling, deflating reality.  My right hip is significantly bigger than my left because the surgeon stuffed “live” tissue into the gaping hole the tumor left.  Who knew you just can’t take a big tumor out without replacing it with something else?  The doctor took my right stomach muscle and wrapped if over the hip area.  And, because I don’t have that muscle anymore, the right side of my stomach sticks out more than the left.  

When I wear dresses or skirts, the right hem is always higher than the left side.  I look like I’m constantly standing with my left knee bent and right hip jutting out.  I’m cockeyed.  For someone who loves clothes this really stinks.  Of course, I could pay to have everything altered.  It’s a cruel twist to be robbed of something you’ve kept up and taken care of.  But the oxymoron is it must be exactly what I needed.  Continue reading →

My God  - the ecstasy and agony of love.  Have you ever been addicted to a lover?  How do you know?  Have you ever felt your knees shake, your heart race, tongue-tied, or faint at the sight of them?  Have you broken up and gotten back together - over and over again?  If you can answer “yes” to any of those… you’re an addict.  A former client of mine struggled ending a toxic 10-year marriage.  She and her husband had seperated numerous times and always ended up back in bed together, reuniting and then the cycle began again.   She eventually filed for divorce, and followed through, although the invisible pull towards him was powerful.  I could identify with her torn feelings and broken spirit.

I was addicted to someone once…  I’ll call him “John” - it was the only time in my life when I experienced ”love at first sight” - it was mutual.  We were together for several years.  Our affair was intensely passionate, terribly toxic and dysfunctional, and we were both miserable when we were apart.  Continue reading →

 

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Listener email:

Dear Zanny - I have listened since almost day one to the Divas and was so glad to hear you are doing this show… I value your advice!

My background is a Bachelor of Science in Family Relations and Child Development. I worked counseling parents of disabled or delayed children birth to three and coordinating special services for their children for almost 10 years. My ‘specialty’ was micro premature babies…

I have been with my husband since 10/2000 and we were married 5/02. He was a confirmed bachelor when we met – he is 10 years my senior (I am 33) and I had to threaten him I would break off our relationship if we did not get married – and he ‘caved in’ and we married the following May. I was hearing my ‘clock ticking’ since I wanted two children and I knew with his age he would want children sooner than later or we’d miss that window. I know now I should have left him and found another – but I did not. I was burned in my first marriage by a cheating man and divorced him prior to graduating college. I dated a high school sweetheart almost a year and he did pretty much the same thing. I found my husband through a dating service (this is before Match.com and such!) and liked him since he was OPPOSITE my other ‘men’ I had dated/married. He was a civil engineer, quiet, did not like to socialize. I know I did this out of fear of a cheating man. But I did it any way. Continue reading →

 

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Listener email: 

 ”Dear Zanny,
Lately I feel like I am going insane. I live in one of the best cities in the world (New York), however, I am not happy here.

I have a husband who loves me, but we don’t always get along as well as we should. I seem to let his little quirks irritate me. I let it show, and we end up fighting over it. Yet, we go on vacation every year to some place nice, take a couple long weekends per year ( again to some place nice), eat at the best restaurants, see Broadway shows and still I feel like I was happier when I was single living alone in a smaller city. He blames me for us not having friends, yet, we knew no one upon moving here 4 years ago, and meeting other couples is hard, in my opinion. I am not a big socializer, don’t really enjoy meeting new people but I am open to it.

I also despise my job. It is a small office and I avoid my co workers like the plague. It is cliquey, and full of two faced people who talk about you behind your back. It is a lost cause, because of my horrible attitude and complete utter disregard for my peers and management, I feel like I will be fired before I am able to get a new job. I think they keep me because I come to work every day, and am cross trained on all the different functions we do. I get paid fairly well, have benefits, and a decent 401k.

I know most people would love to be in my shoes, but really, I’ve been much happier on the past. I feel like I owe it to my husband to stick this out. If I were to leave I’d be starting from zero and he would be devastated. Thoughts?

Thanks Zanny, enjoy your show.

Signed,
Spoiled little brat in NYC

Sent from my iPod”

Dear Spoiled little brat in NYC:

You don’t sound spoiled to me…  you do sound depressed.  Generally speaking, when someone presents with a similar situation, one of the first question a therapist would ask is:  Do these symptoms result from a situational event, or an underlying medical condition?  A good clinician always rules out medical possibilities because the best therapy in the world won’t cure an underlying medical condition.  Continue reading →

This recent episode of surgery to remove a possible cancer recurrence makes me examine my life and where my time and energy goes.  I have my own bucket list of things I want to accomplish before I kick it.  Although I had cancer 8 years ago, the enthusiasm for “living every day as if it’s your last” well, doesn’t last - at least for me.  I did well for a while and completed several things.  I finished graduate school, my writings were published several times, and I delved deeper into my spirituality. 

Now it’s time to create a new list.  I want to learn to play classical piano, and maybe even guitar - I have a gift for music, and haven’t taken all that seriously, but I’m ready.  I want to fly again.  I learned how to fly in the high dessert of CA and reached solo status.  I quit when money ran out, and later my brother was killed in a plane crash… but living close to a community airport and seeing and hearing the small planes, either Cessna’s, or a Piper Cub, and especially open cockpit bi-planes with their big radial engines makes my heart race.  I don’t desire to learn aerobatics like before, now I just want to buzz the neighbors… : )

Thanks for sharing this journey with me.  I’d enjoy hearing what’s on your bucket list!  Please email me, or call:  678-884-0524.  Namste~

I’m engaged in some self-care and taking a mental health break.  Robin and I flew to Aruba this week for some R&R.  We’re staying at the luxurious  Occidental Grand Aruba.  The warm weather is a welcome respite to the cold rain we left behind.  The balmy breeze continuously whispers in my ears while the Caribbean waters beckon me daily.  I love the primal beauty of the tropics - the iguanas, palm trees, and grandfather ocean.  I just checked my emails and noticed some new comments.  I thank you, my listeners, for taking your time and energy to respond.  How great that you feel so impassioned about a topic to reply!  Continue reading →

I wrote my thesis on SIB (Self Injurious Behavior) - it’s a topic close to my heart.  No, I’ve never been a “cutter.” But I love someone who engages in this behavior.  Cutters are on the increase.  I am a Family Therapist and 90% of my adolescent clients currently cut, or have experimented with it.  Yep.  What do they look like?  They look like kids you would see at your local coffee shop.  They are “A” students, varsity sport players, church youth leaders, and high achievers.  They typically abstain from recreational drug use.  So, WHY?  Why do these seemingly all-American kids cut themselves?

Continue reading →