Entries Tagged 'Self Care' ↓

By: Suzanne Maiden

Another plane crash. One hundred-fifty-three are dead, and thousands begin to grieve. Broken hearts bleed as pieces of mangled bodies and bits of aircraft parts are “bagged and tagged” and carried off to a make-shift morgue. Unfortunately, I am a card carrying member of the ‘losing a loved one to an aviation disaster’ club.

On October 31, 1994 American Eagle flight 4184 carried a full load of passengers. They were destined for Chicago-O’Hare but due to traffic congestion and weather, air traffic control diverted the ATR-72 turboprop to Roselawn, IN. Twenty some minutes later, the aircraft began “…rapidly rotating at more than 50 degrees of bank per second, the aircraft was on its back…G forces exceeded two and one-half times normal. The aircraft dropped more than 600 feet every second. G forces reached 5.2…the outer 10 feet of both wings and the horizontal tail separated from the airliner. The last voice heard on the black box was the pilot who said, ‘Aw, shit!’ as the aircraft smashed to the ground and disintegrated into pieces.” (Stephen Frederick, 1996, Unheeded Warning, p. 47)

My brother, Rob McMillin, aged 37 years, was on that plane. He was returning early from a business meeting in an attempt to take his two sons, Douglas and Jamey, aged 5 and 3 years, respectively, trick-or-treating for Halloween. We did not know only pieces of his foot and torso would return to us in a sealed casket weeks later.

As a practicing psychotherapist, bereavement is one of my clinical specialties. This is a very condensed version of what you need to know if you or someone you care about is grieving:

1. Generally, it takes about 24 months to regain emotional equilibrium from a loved one’s sudden death. This doesn’t mean ‘healed’ – it means you can begin to function with a relative sense of normalcy.
2. Sudden death typically is a more complicated type of grief to navigate. This means, the process is amplified and extended vs. anticipatory death.
3. Get support. Identify support groups in your area and go, or if you’re not a group person, get a therapist who specializes in bereavement. Call a local hospice for suggestions of locations and therapists. People erroneously assume that family members can support them – unlikely. Family members have their own emotional work to do.
4. Allow yourself to grieve! You cannot outrun, anesthetize, or forget your pain. I tried. Grief will haunt you in very insidious ways. You’ve got to work it, work it, work it. Be conscious of your pain; acknowledge how this loss impacts every aspect of your being. Allow yourself a set aside time to process, then it’s OK to put it mentally away for a short period. The grieving process is like a marathon, not a sprint. Pace yourself.
5. Suicidal thoughts are normal and especially peak around the 9 month post incident point. It’s a very predictable pattern. Don’t try to handle these powerful emotions by yourself. Tell a trusted friend and get help!
6. Engage in comforting rituals. Plant a tree, talk aloud to your loved one, create photo albums, celebrate their life in whatever ways feel meaningful. I baked my brother his favorite birthday cake every year. I sloshed around in his grey leather dock-siders for months – even though they were too big, I loved seeing where his feet molded the worn leather.
7. Ambivalent feelings are normal. You will experience idolizing your loved one to being very angry with them. This is so normal. Don’t wallow in guilt if you (eventually) feel pissed off at them for dying. You’re normal.
8. Eliminate Emotional Parasites. If there are people in your life that drain you, e.g. emotional vampires – disengage from them. This may be a permanent change or temporary. Honor your feelings. Grief takes exhorbanant amounts of emotional energy. Don’t allow someone to parasitically feed off of you. Protect your energy supply.

The above are overly brief suggestions from my unfinished manuscript on grief. If you have questions, please leave me a vm at: 678-884-0524. Don’t suffer alone, or try to navigate through the terrain of grief solo – get support!

by: Suzanne Maiden

My body is no longer beautiful.  I am disfigured.  Cancer surgery to remove a fist-sized tumor that attached itself to my lower spine, hip, and back of my stomach muscle - left my body rearranged.  What a humbling, deflating reality.  My right hip is significantly bigger than my left because the surgeon stuffed “live” tissue into the gaping hole the tumor left.  Who knew you just can’t take a big tumor out without replacing it with something else?  The doctor took my right stomach muscle and wrapped if over the hip area.  And, because I don’t have that muscle anymore, the right side of my stomach sticks out more than the left.  

When I wear dresses or skirts, the right hem is always higher than the left side.  I look like I’m constantly standing with my left knee bent and right hip jutting out.  I’m cockeyed.  For someone who loves clothes this really stinks.  Of course, I could pay to have everything altered.  It’s a cruel twist to be robbed of something you’ve kept up and taken care of.  But the oxymoron is it must be exactly what I needed.  Continue reading →

My God  - the ecstasy and agony of love.  Have you ever been addicted to a lover?  How do you know?  Have you ever felt your knees shake, your heart race, tongue-tied, or faint at the sight of them?  Have you broken up and gotten back together - over and over again?  If you can answer “yes” to any of those… you’re an addict.  A former client of mine struggled ending a toxic 10-year marriage.  She and her husband had seperated numerous times and always ended up back in bed together, reuniting and then the cycle began again.   She eventually filed for divorce, and followed through, although the invisible pull towards him was powerful.  I could identify with her torn feelings and broken spirit.

I was addicted to someone once…  I’ll call him “John” - it was the only time in my life when I experienced ”love at first sight” - it was mutual.  We were together for several years.  Our affair was intensely passionate, terribly toxic and dysfunctional, and we were both miserable when we were apart.  Continue reading →

Listener email:

Dear Zanny - I have listened since almost day one to the Divas and was so glad to hear you are doing this show… I value your advice!

My background is a Bachelor of Science in Family Relations and Child Development. I worked counseling parents of disabled or delayed children birth to three and coordinating special services for their children for almost 10 years. My ‘specialty’ was micro premature babies…

I have been with my husband since 10/2000 and we were married 5/02. He was a confirmed bachelor when we met – he is 10 years my senior (I am 33) and I had to threaten him I would break off our relationship if we did not get married – and he ‘caved in’ and we married the following May. I was hearing my ‘clock ticking’ since I wanted two children and I knew with his age he would want children sooner than later or we’d miss that window. I know now I should have left him and found another – but I did not. I was burned in my first marriage by a cheating man and divorced him prior to graduating college. I dated a high school sweetheart almost a year and he did pretty much the same thing. I found my husband through a dating service (this is before Match.com and such!) and liked him since he was OPPOSITE my other ‘men’ I had dated/married. He was a civil engineer, quiet, did not like to socialize. I know I did this out of fear of a cheating man. But I did it any way. Continue reading →

 

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Listener email: 

 ”Dear Zanny,
Lately I feel like I am going insane. I live in one of the best cities in the world (New York), however, I am not happy here.

I have a husband who loves me, but we don’t always get along as well as we should. I seem to let his little quirks irritate me. I let it show, and we end up fighting over it. Yet, we go on vacation every year to some place nice, take a couple long weekends per year ( again to some place nice), eat at the best restaurants, see Broadway shows and still I feel like I was happier when I was single living alone in a smaller city. He blames me for us not having friends, yet, we knew no one upon moving here 4 years ago, and meeting other couples is hard, in my opinion. I am not a big socializer, don’t really enjoy meeting new people but I am open to it.

I also despise my job. It is a small office and I avoid my co workers like the plague. It is cliquey, and full of two faced people who talk about you behind your back. It is a lost cause, because of my horrible attitude and complete utter disregard for my peers and management, I feel like I will be fired before I am able to get a new job. I think they keep me because I come to work every day, and am cross trained on all the different functions we do. I get paid fairly well, have benefits, and a decent 401k.

I know most people would love to be in my shoes, but really, I’ve been much happier on the past. I feel like I owe it to my husband to stick this out. If I were to leave I’d be starting from zero and he would be devastated. Thoughts?

Thanks Zanny, enjoy your show.

Signed,
Spoiled little brat in NYC

Sent from my iPod”

Dear Spoiled little brat in NYC:

You don’t sound spoiled to me…  you do sound depressed.  Generally speaking, when someone presents with a similar situation, one of the first question a therapist would ask is:  Do these symptoms result from a situational event, or an underlying medical condition?  A good clinician always rules out medical possibilities because the best therapy in the world won’t cure an underlying medical condition.  Continue reading →

 

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This recent episode of surgery to remove a possible cancer recurrence makes me examine my life and where my time and energy goes.  I have my own bucket list of things I want to accomplish before I kick it.  Although I had cancer 8 years ago, the enthusiasm for “living every day as if it’s your last” well, doesn’t last - at least for me.  I did well for a while and completed several things.  I finished graduate school, my writings were published several times, and I delved deeper into my spirituality. 

Now it’s time to create a new list.  I want to learn to play classical piano, and maybe even guitar - I have a gift for music, and haven’t taken all that seriously, but I’m ready.  I want to fly again.  I learned how to fly in the high dessert of CA and reached solo status.  I quit when money ran out, and later my brother was killed in a plane crash… but living close to a community airport and seeing and hearing the small planes, either Cessna’s, or a Piper Cub, and especially open cockpit bi-planes with their big radial engines makes my heart race.  I don’t desire to learn aerobatics like before, now I just want to buzz the neighbors… : )

Thanks for sharing this journey with me.  I’d enjoy hearing what’s on your bucket list!  Please email me, or call:  678-884-0524.  Namste~

I’m engaged in some self-care and taking a mental health break.  Robin and I flew to Aruba this week for some R&R.  We’re staying at the luxurious  Occidental Grand Aruba.  The warm weather is a welcome respite to the cold rain we left behind.  The balmy breeze continuously whispers in my ears while the Caribbean waters beckon me daily.  I love the primal beauty of the tropics - the iguanas, palm trees, and grandfather ocean.  I just checked my emails and noticed some new comments.  I thank you, my listeners, for taking your time and energy to respond.  How great that you feel so impassioned about a topic to reply!  Continue reading →

I wrote my thesis on SIB (Self Injurious Behavior) - it’s a topic close to my heart.  No, I’ve never been a “cutter.” But I love someone who engages in this behavior.  Cutters are on the increase.  I am a Family Therapist and 90% of my adolescent clients currently cut, or have experimented with it.  Yep.  What do they look like?  They look like kids you would see at your local coffee shop.  They are “A” students, varsity sport players, church youth leaders, and high achievers.  They typically abstain from recreational drug use.  So, WHY?  Why do these seemingly all-American kids cut themselves?

Continue reading →

How many times have you angrily erupted and the recipient looks at you like you’ve just grown two heads?  What’s up with that?  This displaced anger or “over reaction” is nearly always a sign that your emotional tank is too full.  Sometimes if your erupt at someone, it doesn’t have anything to do with them specifically - that is when your feelings/anger is “displaced.”  Other times, the person you spew verbal vomit has just ticked you off for the laaaaaaaasssst time!  Maybe their comment was innocent, but it held just enough toxic energy to trigger you - like the match to the powder keg. 

 This is when you need to step back and self-examine why your emotional barometer is pegged to the max.  We all do it, have done it, and (I for sure) will end up doing it again.  It’s definitely time for emotional introspection so you can address the real cause of your anger. 

It is Easter morning - a day Christians observe Christ’s resurrection.  Many families around the world will be together.  Some people are eager and willing while others join their family of origin with tense trepidation.  If you experience increasing anxiety over family get-togethers, you are normal. 

Most families have some level of dysfunctional behaviors and long standing patterns which nobody challenges.  As adult children returning to the nest, we often revert back to being the child and engaging in the same neurotic behaviors and feeling like we are adolescents - or younger.  How do you cope with a forced family function?  Have a game plan before you go. Continue reading →

I went to the gym this morning.  Yep, I did the 10:30 a.m. centergery class with some of my girlfriends.  I noticed a woman in front of me.  She had lovely legs.  Since I’m nearly 47 years-old, my legs certainly aren’t what they used to be!  I only wish I would have appreciated what I had when it looked great.  So, after class I approached the woman, who is probably a decade younger than I.  I said, “You have such beautiful legs!”  she undramatically responded, “Oh, huh…  Thanks, but they have a lot of scars from sports injuries…”  Was her response humility or her own sense of inferiority?  I suspect the later.  Nonetheless, her response made me sad.

I realize I often am guilty of the same behavior.  When someone compliments me, I quickly find fault with myself and why their perception is incorrect.  We women tend to do this more often than men.  Yes - it’s a stereotype, I own it.  But, have you ever complimented a man and they enthusiastically say “Thanks!”  They don’t give you 20 reasons why your compliment is inaccurate.

What I want to convey is this:  Let’s compliment each-other, sincerely of course, and see another’s inner and outer beauty.  And, the next time someone compliments you, accept it with graciousness and class by responding with a humble, “Thank you.”

Many of us are “pleasers” we never want to hurt anyone’s feelings, or say the forbidden “no” - but this comes at a high emotional price tag - our sanity! Listen on how to gently, but firmly put boundaries in place without feeling guilty - but empowered! You can do it : )

Talk To Me! Call me at 678-884-0524.

Email me: Zanny@DearZanny.com. Do you need relationship advice? Call Zanny! Let’s talk!

Blessings to one and all.

love, Zanny

 

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