The sublime power of sex; heightened sensual sensations, aroused emotions, the divine expression of love, the final crescendo culminating in physical ecstasy is a true spiritual gift.  I recently had a lengthy conversation with a young person regarding the distinction between what we termed ‘physical maintenance’ vs. making love.  I was so struck by this person’s eloquence and ability to language such profound feelings.  This young male longed for the union he formerly experienced with another.  He had access to others, and indeed acted upon their sexual willingness to provide him with ‘physical maintenance.’  But, his experience, in his final analysis, felt barely more than any other physical task one does to maintain the body. 

Our dialogue intrigued me.  I pondered his emotional longing to sexually express his most tender feelings to another – not just any other but the other.  As a psychotherapist, I am very comfortable discussing sexuality.  However seemingly odd or culturally aberrant one’s fantasies appear, I’m not squeamish.  I am fascinated how sexual fantasies become activated.  But, that is a different essay.

I realized, even for many young people, meaningful sex is much more the objective than orgasm.  Meaningful sex is the closest way we can go beyond the human condition.  The physical connection through sexual intercourse accesses the sacred, the celestial, and the divine ~ in this manner we transcend from physical beings to spiritual.  Spiritual ecstasy is when we have glimpsed the other side, we cross the portal with a lover through powerful, meaningful sexual union. 

When sexual intercourse is seen from this context – an attempt to cross the threshold into spiritual ecstasy, then it is understandable why everyone seeks it.  The issue arises when one misinterprets their sexual appetites as merely primal, when in fact they really search for something so much more profound.  Casual sex encounters, I postulate, are really misguided attempts to connect with the divine.  Because our culture is uncomfortable with openly discussing sexuality, people acquire false beliefs around sex.  Some people end up bumbling around for decades having multiple partners, they get physical maintenance through immediate sexual satisfaction – but the question remains, is it enough?  Is the experience life-sustaining?  I believe the multiple-partner person actual seeks a sexual union with the other in an effort to transcend them towards spiritual ecstasy.  I believe each of us desperately wants to open our divine gift of sexual intimacy which will transcend us to spiritual ecstasy. 

None of us know when will die.  Most of us don’t know how we will die.  When someone has a catastrophic disease, this awareness is acutely activated.  I am living on borrowed time.  I am a two-time cancer survivor.  For whatever reason, my body grows deadly tumors.  So far, my oncologist has successfully cut them out; he has been able to do this because the tumors were not attached to any significant needed-to-live organs.  (more…)

Dear Stephanie:

When one partner makes a big mistake in the relationship either via finances, drugs or alcohol, infidelity, or some other infraction - then the innocent partner possesses a golden opportunity to hold the other emotional hostage. What is an emotional hostage? It’s when one partner emphasizes their alleged victimization towards the person behind the violation. The result is the “violator” yields to the “victim’s” every demand.

So, in your case, your husband made poor financial decisions which sounds like it resulted in monetary devastation for you both. You say you’re slowly pulling yourselves out of the hole and achieved relative financial stability. But you have difficulty not holding his past mistake over his head and “watching everything he does.” Your level of trust in the relationship has been damaged. I hear that. It’s normal for a partner to feel apprehensive after the other has used poor judgment. However, it sounds like you may regard yourself as the “victim” and your husband as the “violator.”

The scenario then, plays out in a classic victim-violator dance. The victim insists they have no culpability and constantly reminds the violator: “This is your fault!” The violator often racked with guilt and remorse, acquiesces to the demands of the victim. Now the cycle for emotional hostage is firmly established.

It may feel temporarily good to play out the victim role, and keep the violator in a place of submission, but this dynamic eventually backfires. Why? Because the distribution of power in the relationship is unbalanced and skewed. The violator will tire of always getting cast as the bad guy. He will ultimately rebel, either overtly or passive-aggressively. Either way, it will be ugly.

Suggestions:

1. Ask yourself if it’s possible you’re holding your partner emotional hostage.
2. If you answer “yes” to question 1, ask yourself what you get from this place of power and control by keeping him submissive.
3. Talk with your spouse and openly discuss your difficulty in “letting go.” Name the number one thing you need to heal. Be concrete, be specific.
4. After identifying what you need to help yourself heal, ask him what he needs to move forward. You may be pleasantly surprised.
5. Agree to stop checking on everything he does, shaming him, and reminding him of the past so you can begin to break the cycle of holding him emotional hostage.
6. If you still have difficulty “letting go” get into therapy to help you address what this situation triggers for you. Your trigger (most likely) stems from a childhood wounding when someone in authority violated your trust. Now as an adulthood, you seek to regain power that you did not have as a wounded child.

Remember, awareness of a dysfunctional relationship dynamic is truly the first step in dismantling it. You can do it! Good luck.

Another plane crash. One hundred-fifty-three are dead, and thousands begin to grieve. Broken hearts bleed as pieces of mangled bodies and bits of aircraft parts are “bagged and tagged” and carried off to a make-shift morgue. Unfortunately, I am a card carrying member of the ‘losing a loved one to an aviation disaster’ club.

On October 31, 1994 American Eagle flight 4184 carried a full load of passengers. They were destined for Chicago-O’Hare but due to traffic congestion and weather, air traffic control diverted the ATR-72 turboprop to Roselawn, IN. Twenty some minutes later, the aircraft began “…rapidly rotating at more than 50 degrees of bank per second, the aircraft was on its back…G forces exceeded two and one-half times normal. The aircraft dropped more than 600 feet every second. G forces reached 5.2…the outer 10 feet of both wings and the horizontal tail separated from the airliner. The last voice heard on the black box was the pilot who said, ‘Aw, shit!’ as the aircraft smashed to the ground and disintegrated into pieces.” (Stephen Frederick, 1996, Unheeded Warning, p. 47)

My brother, Rob McMillin, aged 37 years, was on that plane. He was returning early from a business meeting in an attempt to take his two sons, Douglas and Jamey, aged 5 and 3 years, respectively, trick-or-treating for Halloween. We did not know only pieces of his foot and torso would return to us in a sealed casket weeks later.

As a practicing psychotherapist, bereavement is one of my clinical specialties. This is a very condensed version of what you need to know if you or someone you care about is grieving:

1. Generally, it takes about 24 months to regain emotional equilibrium from a loved one’s sudden death. This doesn’t mean ‘healed’ – it means you can begin to function with a relative sense of normalcy.
2. Sudden death typically is a more complicated type of grief to navigate. This means, the process is amplified and extended vs. anticipatory death.
3. Get support. Identify support groups in your area and go, or if you’re not a group person, get a therapist who specializes in bereavement. Call a local hospice for suggestions of locations and therapists. People erroneously assume that family members can support them – unlikely. Family members have their own emotional work to do.
4. Allow yourself to grieve! You cannot outrun, anesthetize, or forget your pain. I tried. Grief will haunt you in very insidious ways. You’ve got to work it, work it, work it. Be conscious of your pain; acknowledge how this loss impacts every aspect of your being. Allow yourself a set aside time to process, then it’s OK to put it mentally away for a short period. The grieving process is like a marathon, not a sprint. Pace yourself.
5. Suicidal thoughts are normal and especially peak around the 9 month post incident point. It’s a very predictable pattern. Don’t try to handle these powerful emotions by yourself. Tell a trusted friend and get help!
6. Engage in comforting rituals. Plant a tree, talk aloud to your loved one, create photo albums, celebrate their life in whatever ways feel meaningful. I baked my brother his favorite birthday cake every year. I sloshed around in his grey leather dock-siders for months – even though they were too big, I loved seeing where his feet molded the worn leather.
7. Ambivalent feelings are normal. You will experience idolizing your loved one to being very angry with them. This is so normal. Don’t wallow in guilt if you (eventually) feel pissed off at them for dying. You’re normal.
8. Eliminate Emotional Parasites. If there are people in your life that drain you, e.g. emotional vampires – disengage from them. This may be a permanent change or temporary. Honor your feelings. Grief takes exhorbanant amounts of emotional energy. Don’t allow someone to parasitically feed off of you. Protect your energy supply.

The above are overly brief suggestions from my unfinished manuscript on grief. If you have questions, please leave me a vm at: 678-884-0524. Don’t suffer alone, or try to navigate through the terrain of grief solo – get support!

When your partner is in recovery for substance abuse for either drugs or alcohol or both, the supporting partner should abstain.  Period.  I know many couples who have a partner in recovery and continue to use, specifically alcohol.  I hear, “Why should I stop drinking?  I’m not the alcoholic?” I do not understand this attitude.

I thoroughly enjoy drinking wine.  I especially enjoy fine wine.  I enjoy the buzz and relaxing with friends.  But, if my partner had issues with alcohol – I would never drink again.  I would give up my love of wine.  Why?  Because, I would never want my partner to taste wine on my lips, or smell it on my breath, or do anything that could contribute to their relapse.  I would behaviorally convey that we’re a team.  My partner’s sustained remission would be so paramount to me that I would permanently adapt my behavior. I know my provocative position will elicit a prickly response in many people.  I get it.  And, you may say, “If you’ve never had a partner in recovery then you don’t know what you would do.”  True enough.  It’s always easy to make righteous judgments full of bravado until you walk in that path.  But, I would like to think that my partner’s recovery would be such a priority for me, and for us as a couple, that I would willingly forgo alcohol.  I would like to think that my love for them would trump any temporary use of mind altering substances that I formerly enjoyed.  I am also speaking from the assumption that I am not addicted and have to ability to discontinue at will. 

The bottom line:  If your partner is in recovery, or reached sustained remission, and you still use that substance, ask yourself:

• What do I “need” from the substance?
• Am I metaphorically flipping my finger in a passive-aggressive stance at my partner and thinking: “Ha! I can do it but you can’t?”
• Does my partner want me to stop, but I don’t?
• Do I minimize the impact of my use on my partner?
• Am I addicted either physically or emotionally to that substance? 
• Am I subconsciously sabotaging my partner’s recovery?  For example, often the sober partner has more control over the addict and is  not in a big hurry to help them heal.  They don’t want to give up their power and control in the relationship. 

These are tough questions.  And, they need to be honestly answered if you continue to use while your partner is in recovery.  If you answer “yes” to any of the above, find a competent therapist who specializes in addictions, and/or attend ALANON meetings.  Help yourself better understand your resistance – it will only serve to increase the probability that your relationship survives… if you want.

So I woke up at 6:30 this morning to find my husband at the kitchen table already working. It is rare for him to be up this early, and even rarer for him to be working so soon, so I asked him what’s up. He says he’s been up since 5 AM because he had a bad dream about me. I know what’s coming… I’m supposed to go to Lake Tahoe tomorrow for a girl’s weekend. I’ve been hesitant about it since we planned it because my husband is EXTREMELY jealous. I was worried that Tahoe might present too many “threats” (i.e. there might be a man at the slot machine next to me). We have been going to counseling for the last couple of months, but we haven’t even gotten to the jealousy issue.

Anyway, the dream he had was about me “talking” to another man in a flirty way. He says he trusts me to act responsible, but I know he doesn’t. Now I want to cancel the trip (there are other factors too, like $$, childcare) just because I don’t want to deal with him perceiving something that isn’t really there (like there might be a man in the background of a picture we take!).

It’s so frustrating because I have never cheated on him, or any man for that matter. His issues are too long to mention here (hence the counseling)… My question is, how many of you have jealous husbands and how do you deal? I feel trapped.

Dear Trapped:

No wonder you feel trapped!  You’re a prisoner in your own marriage.  First, if you only get one thing out of this response, get this:  Your husband’s jealousy has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.  His insecurities sound very deeply rooted.  I am curious why “We’ve been going to counseling for the last couple of months, but haven’t even gotten to the jealousy issue.”  Why not?  It is clearly a huge issue for you both.  It’s normal for a spouse to feel tinges of jealousy or possessiveness at different times during a marriage – we all have our insecurities.  But what you describe here crosses from within normal range to neurotic.  His neurotic jealousy is not healthy for him, your children, or YOU. 

I. Answer first part of your question:  “How many people have jealous husbands?” A lot!  Many people have jealous spouses.  People handle their partner’s possessiveness in various ways - depending on how extreme their neurosis is.  Some partners verbally reassure the insecure partner that all is well, and it will suffice.  Other partners have to “prove” their loyalty in small ways – especially when there has been a rupture in the relationship, such as an affair, substance abuse, or other issues, this is normal.  But what you describe is not normal.

II. Answer second part of your question:  “How do you deal?”  You have several choices:

1) Continue in therapy but bring this topic up next session – no excuses!

2) Decide what you believe is fair and within normal limits of your personal freedom, be very concrete and clear, then stick to it.  For example, “Tom, I’m going to Lake Tahoe with my girlfriends like we discussed.  I am not doing anything to jeopardize our marriage, or anything I would be resistant to sharing with you. I need you to support me and trust me.”   

3) Get into individual therapy for additional support to help you navigate through this difficult terrain.

4) Leave the marriage.  I don’t say this lightly, but if your spouse cannot loosen his neurotic grip you owe it to yourself to save yourself and your children. 

Remember, every relationship is negotiable, and re-negotiable.  You are 50% of your marriage and you have rights not only as a spouse, but as a human being.  Don’t cave into someone’s neurotic demands.  It may be hard to hold your ground, but in the long run it’s so much healthier for the family unit as a whole. Good Luck!

My body is no longer beautiful.  I am disfigured.  Cancer surgery to remove a fist-sized tumor that attached itself to my lower spine, hip, and back of my stomach muscle - left my body rearranged.  What a humbling, deflating reality.  My right hip is significantly bigger than my left because the surgeon stuffed “live” tissue into the gaping hole the tumor left.  Who knew you just can’t take a big tumor out without replacing it with something else?  The doctor took my right stomach muscle and wrapped if over the hip area.  And, because I don’t have that muscle anymore, the right side of my stomach sticks out more than the left.  

When I wear dresses or skirts, the right hem is always higher than the left side.  I look like I’m constantly standing with my left knee bent and right hip jutting out.  I’m cockeyed.  For someone who loves clothes this really stinks.  Of course, I could pay to have everything altered.  It’s a cruel twist to be robbed of something you’ve kept up and taken care of.  But the oxymoron is it must be exactly what I needed.  (more…)

I was wondering if there are any other mommies here that have lost a baby.  My daughter was born still on June 1st and I am slowly getting back into my normal routine.  I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar and how they handled the situation.  I have a son who is almost 18 months and I am trying to make his life seem like nothing happened but it is proving to be more difficult.  Any suggestions?

Dear Bereaved Mom:

First, let me say how very, very sorry I am for the death of your child.  Losing a child is the most difficult death to grieve.  Period.  The expectation of a baby’s arrival brings such joy - and then to have your beloved baby die is heart-wrenching.  That you daughter was stillborn you probably have many questions, and even less answers.  I bet the number one word you utter is, “Why?”  (more…)

How can you apply this knowledge?  When you try to figure someone or some situation out - but keep hitting a dead end - it’s almost always because you do not have all of the information.  Even when someone swears they are telling you everything.  Because, when you have all of the information, then the rest of the puzzle makes sense.  It finally all fits together in a very logical way.  When something does not add up, ask yourself what the mostly likely piece of the scenario could be missing.  Even if it it is unlikely and sounds far fetched - you’re probably close to the truth.